A Perfect Match
by Maya Serena
Summary: Part Two of "Of Monotremes and Men". Perry's mind has been copied into Dr. Doofenshmirtz's lover while a dangerous new villain is trying to take over the Tri-State Area. Rated M for graphic sex/extreme violence/profanity/drug use. COMPLETE!
1. Bride of Doofenshmirtz

It was supposed to be a routine mission. Get in, get trapped, listen to his back-story, get free, trash him and his latest Whatever-Inator, and get out. Until I took a drink of whatever was in the mug he offered me.

Well, it's usually something _good_. He makes a great hot chocolate, even though he's lactose-intolerant. I remember thinking he'd switched to almond milk, it didn't have the weird grassy aftertaste his regular soy milk did.

So there I was, listening to his spiel about how he has such bad luck with women and rarely gets past the first date, and how he'd been working on an artificial girlfriend. The new wife he had built for his robot Norm had been a test run of sorts, and since they were now on their honeymoon he had decided to make a woman for himself. Apparently the love doll was physically complete and was just lacking a personality.

I was sipping on the hot chocolate with extra marshmallows when I started to feel drowsy. I tried to get up and fight him but it was too late and I passed out. The last thing I remember is him kneeling down and carrying me... somewhere.

When I woke I was in a bed. I recognized the scent easily. _His_ bed. He wasn't around. I turned over and saw light coming through the half-open door. When I tried to get up I realized what he'd done to me.

Curse you, Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

I jumped out of the bed and almost fell on my face. My balance was off. This wasn't like the time I accidentally switched bodies with Candace. That body was _used_ to being bipedal and tailless. I just kind of went around in it on autopilot.

It took me a few minutes to get steady enough on my feet to get to the bedroom door. I peeked out and saw his desktop computer was on. I started to sneak over to it when I heard his voice behind me.

"Oh, good, you're awake. Do you know who you are?"

I turned slowly and saw him leaning on the door frame. He looked smug.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. I wanted to kill him but couldn't. I could only growl and wait for an explanation.

It wasn't forthcoming.

"Have you seen yourself yet?" I shook my head.

He guided me to the full-length mirror on the back of the bathroom door.

From the moment my nemesis told me he was designing a girlfriend for himself I'd had his ex-wife in mind. Tall, slim, black hair, slightly Asian features, perhaps wearing glasses.

I was wrong. Very wrong. Except for being human and female, I resembled Charlene Doofenshmirtz in no way whatsoever.

This body was maybe five and a half feet tall. My new face was a rounded rectangle with large brown oval eyes, a straight nose, round chin and a small, plump mouth with apricot lips. My hair was a thick, almost-white platinum blonde, cut in a bob between chin and shoulder length. The lace nightie and shorts I was wearing didn't hide the fact that this body was both quite fit and a little plump, with breasts a bit smaller than I would have expected. They were firm and rounded, sitting as high on its - no, _my -_ chest as a teenager's. Waist not too narrow, slightly rounded belly, smoothly curving hips, shapely legs tapering to dainty ankles. Arms also well-turned, hands with fingers neither too thin nor too thick.

Why the hell was I evaluating this body? It wasn't me! I was a male platypus, dammit!

I mentally compared my current self to both Candace and Linda and calculated this body must be young enough to be the latter's daughter, and the former's older sister. Not much older, though. Maybe twenty-two.

His hands slid slowly up and down my arm and waist. The sensation was rather pleasant, even if I didn't really like the thought of being human.

I realized what I was wearing. My enemy must have known what went through my mind, because he spoke again. "No, I haven't done anything perverted to you. Yet. I haven't really done anything except copy Perry the Platypus's brainwaves to this chassis."

I broke away and headed for the door. He just smirked and said, "What are you going to do, Perry the Pretty Girl? Run home? Get help? Perry the Platypus already left. He never even noticed when I scanned his brain. He has no idea that you exist."

I hated that he was right. I lay my head against the door and managed to croak out a word. "W-why?"

"Because I'm evil. Because I could. Because I'm tired of the screwball women I keep meeting."

I didn't even growl. I could only wonder, why me?

He stepped behind me and pulled me close. With his arms wrapped around my waist,I was so shocked I couldn't even struggle. "Since you're here, let's just enjoy ourselves, shall we..." he whispered into my ear.

His hot breath on my skin was followed by a gentle bite on my neck. I gasped and in spite of myself pressed back into him as the sensation flowed down to my crotch.

"Ah, good," he purred, "the hormonal adjustments are working perfectly. You see, Perry, the body you're in was scientifically created to respond to _me_ as its perfect biological match. So, even if you're intellectually opposed to the idea, your physical responses will try to override it. Your self-control will probably be the deciding factor."

He hadn't called me Perry the Platypus, or Perry the Pretty Girl. Just Perry. I hated him for it.

I wanted to beat the crap out of him. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run out to the terrace and jump off the ledge to splatter myself on the street thirty-eight floors down.

I didn't do any of those things, of course. Instead... I started to cry silently in defeat.

I hated myself for it. I hated even more that he didn't do or say anything except turn me so I had my face in his chest, and held me for a long time. No groping, no fondling, just holding me.

"Perry?" I looked up. His indigo eyes were sad. "If it's that horrible, I... I suppose I could delete your mind from this body, if you really want me to."

I pondered the offer. It would probably be like falling asleep. I could deal with that, I thought. I nodded.

He let me go and headed for the lab. He stopped at the door and I thought he would turn around. All he did was say "I... I'm sorry. I should have known better than to hope this might work out for me." He headed to his computer and sat down to work.

After a while I stepped over to him, wondering what he was up to.

I peered over his shoulder. From what little I could understand, he was calculating how much power output was needed to delete my personality from the body it occupied. He growled something in German which needed no translation and started running several simulations in parallel. As he waited for the results he absentmindedly rubbed his neck. I could see the tension under the lab coat and turtleneck and instinctively lay a hand on his shoulder.

He didn't say a word, only turned his head a bit. I could see the tear hovering in the corner of his eye as he looked at my hand. I pretended not to notice it and put my other hand on him, pulling him against the back of the chair and starting to work on the tense muscles. I finally told him something that had been on my mind for ages.

"Stop slouching. It's bad for your back." My voice -muffled by bone conduction- sounded pleasant. I wondered what it sounded like to him.

"So it _does_ talk." His voice was steady – for him. "I was wondering if I was going to have to learn sign language."

"Would you prefer I go 'crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt'?

Heinz was staring at the screen. "Does it matter?" He wasn't relaxing in spite of the massage. I kept at it, so I wouldn't have to look at the sadness in those indigo eyes again.

After a while, he spoke up again. "Do you know why, whenever I tell you the back story for my latest creation, it's never between my second year of college and when I went backpacking in Europe?"

I considered for a moment before answering. "I always thought it was when you were Charlene, and you were actually happy."

He sighed. "Yes. Yes, I was. I loved her so much it hurt, and having her love me back was just... magic. When we got married it was the happiest day of my life – until Vanessa came along and that made it even better. I gave up on evil and began working as a composer. I made a really good living at it too; commercial jingles, mostly, but also some musical theater and several songs for Love Händel. It wasn't enough for Charlene, though."

The tension in his shoulders had slackened just the tiniest bit. I realized it wasn't me but the talking that was making him relax. I kept working on him silently. He'd speak when he was ready.

Heinz went on, his voice still steady and low. "It started with little things here and there. A canceled appointment, going out to lunch with her friends more often, unexplained charges on the credit cards, new lingerie she never wore for me. I had known for certain for almost a year that Charlene was cheating on me when she dropped the ultimate bomb on my thirty-third birthday." He let out a small sob. "She'd even cheated on me with Roger... and... Vanessa is _his_ daughter."

My hands clenched his lab coat in sudden rage. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to dig Charlene's heart out with a wooden spoon. How could she have _done_ such a thing to Heinz? Whatever his failings, I _knew_ he had been a devoted husband, and was still a loving father. As for Roger... I forced myself to keep rubbing Heinz's shoulders. He needed me to listen more than ever.

"Charlene decided she wouldn't tell Vanessa – or Roger; he has no idea – as long as I complied with her demands. She wanted all the royalties and residuals from my music career. Her lawyers tried to screw me over, but I got back at her. She could either fork over a big fat check every month or we could all undergo DNA testing that would prove Vanessa's not biologically mine. That would have ruined her completely, so she agreed.

"I left for Europe the day after I signed the papers. I told you about that trip, didn't I, with the incident with Ambassador's wife and me ending up _persona non grata_ in Albania... I bought the apartment after I got back and decided to go back to evil full-time."

He had unwound considerably but was still a bit tense. I decided to leave any more rubbing for later, my hands were getting tired. I smoothed out his lab coat with a few slow strokes.

He surprised me by laying his hand over mine. "Thank you, Perry."

"Whatever for?" I could have pulled my hand out from under his. I didn't.

"For not killing me half an hour ago, even though I probably deserve it. For listening. For being my friend."

"A friend beats the crap out of you at least twice a week?"

He finally looked at me and smiled wanly. "And gets beaten up in turn? I always thought that was just business. Are you hungry?"

The non sequitur caught me off guard. "Wait, what?"

"This is going to be running all night, and maybe half of tomorrow. It's past midnight, I'm starving, and that body you're in hasn't eaten at all."

My stomach growled.

"I'll take that as a yes." He unfolded himself from the chair without letting go of my hand and led me to a chair in the kitchen.


	2. What the hey, I'll do it with you

Once I was seated at the kitchen table Heinz quickly prepared some hot ham and cheese sandwiches, and a mug of cocoa for me. He retrieved his own mug, with the DEI logo on it, and poured something out of a carafe.

"What are you drinking?" I asked.

"Coffee."

"You shouldn't." He just looked at me, waiting. I went on. "You look like you haven't slept in days. If that stuff on the computer won't be ready until at least sunrise why not get some sleep?"

He bowed his head over his mug, his slim, strong hands wrapped around it. "I don't sleep much any more, Perry. I have nightmares most nights, I grind my teeth and... well, I'm very lonely in that bed. I guess that's the real reason I made, well... that." He waved at my body without looking up. It didn't hide the longing in his eyes.

Something occurred to me just then. "Heinz... if this body is artificial, then why am I eating?"

He looked up a moment and I felt like he was stripping me naked - not that I was all that dressed to begin with. After a moment he blushed and stared into his mug. "It's not synthetic, if that's what you're asking. About a year ago I got about a hundred samples of DNA from random people and used my DNA-Sequence-Inator in tandem with my True-Love-Inator to create the perfect woman for me, a biological match. I then put the sequenced DNA into the accelerated-regeneration tank I use after the more... unfortunate... encounters with you."

He went to the cupboard and poured a splash of something into his mug. I got a whiff of alcohol and remembered hearing somewhere that humans have a much better sense of smell than a platypus does – especially women. He brought the bottle and I saw the label when he sat back down. Rum. Half the bottle was already gone. I wondered how long he'd been drinking.

"Is that really necessary?"

"For me, yes. For you it's optional. Just... just don't get drunk, I don't want you doing anything you might not even consider with your faculties intact."

"You should rest, at least. Go lie down. I pretty much just woke up, so I'm good until dawn."

"I don't want to be in there alone."

"I'll keep you company."

His eyes were glued to the bottom of his mug. "You may regret it. I have very bad impulse control"

"It's never the things you do that you regret, I think. It's the things you didn't do, what you left unsaid." I walked over to him and lay my hand on his shoulder again.

He caught me by the waist and pulled me into his lap. I didn't fight it. Instead I wrapped my arms around him and lay his head on my shoulder. He sighed and closed his eyes.

We sat there like that for a long while, not speaking, just holding each other. His warm breath trailed down my collarbone and I could feel his eyelashes quiver as his eyes flickered back and forth under the closed lids. My cheek was pressed to his forehead, and I wondered if he could feel the warmth from my blush. I stroked his messy brown hair and his embrace tightened just the tiniest bit.

I suddenly understood why he had created this body.

"You wanted to start over, didn't you. To have a family again. That's why you made a biological match instead of just a companion."

He just whimpered a little and tightened his arms around me again.

"But why choose _me_ to animate it?"

"Because I'm tired of attracting the wrong kind of women. Because platypus or not, nemesis or not, you _get_ me. Because... in the end? Because I'm an idiot, that's why."

"You are not an idiot, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and don't ever say that again where I can hear you." I stroked his hair again. "I'll be the first to tell you you're insecure, petty, cranky and have piss-poor planning skills, but dammit, I've seen you create things on a daily basis that violate most of the known laws of physics." I smiled in spite of myself. "Probably most of the undiscovered ones, too, while you're at it. Making multiple functional copies of yourself? Pushing evolution back and forth with a ray generator? _Turning metal into __broccoli_? Seriously now, that doctorate may be fake but that doesn't mean you're not legitimately brilliant."

Was that a tear I felt trickle down my collarbone? And why the in the nine levels of Hell were my nipples feeling swollen because of it?

"No... not that brilliant. I started those simulations running to be sure, but... I don't think I _can_ delete you from that body, Perry. Not without killing you. Or it, however you want to look at this."

"Oh." I considered my options.

He went on. "I can't do it. I don't have it in me to commit cold-blooded murder."

"That's not a bad thing, you know."

"I really screwed the pooch on this one, didn't I?"

"Wrong type of mammal."

He reached up and stroked my cheek. I took his hand and pressed it there for a moment before he slid it behind my neck and pulled me in for a soft kiss.

I kissed him back. His tongue slipped between my lips and I opened my mouth to receive it, tonguing him back slowly as I figured my way through it all.

Somehow I was straddling him, pushing his lab coat off his shoulders, my mouth still glued to his. He let go just enough to get his arms out of the sleeves and slid his hands under my nightie. I did the same under his turtleneck and we broke the kiss just long enough to get those items out of the way.

Face to face, chest to chest, skin against skin, each one's hands slowly caressing the other, I made my choice. I would go along with it and enjoy my stay in this body.

"Heinz..."

"Yes?"

I was breathing hard now and could feel myself blushing. "Do... do you want to..." I found myself tongue-tied.

His eyes lit up like sapphires in the sun. "Yes... oh yes." He kissed my lips again and continued down my jaw and throat. I tilted my head back and moaned softly. It felt wonderful, the nipping kisses sending tingles radiating outward from where his mouth explored my skin. One hand rose to palm my nipple while he kissed downward until he took the other one in his mouth. The sensation was like nothing I had ever imagined and my back arched as I tightened my grip on him.

He worked on me for a while, alternating hands and mouth on my breasts, until he broke off to look up at me.

"What?" I panted.

"I just wanted to look at you." He put the lab coat around my shoulders and lowered me to the floor so I lay on it. After putting the rolled-up turtleneck under my head he started kissing his way down my body, pushing my legs apart as he pulled my shorts off. His tongue flicked out and I gasped sharply at the intensity of sensation. His chuckle made me shudder and my fingers tangled into his hair, pushing him back down. He worked at me with lips and tongue until I was crying out, my hips twitching up, legs curling up around his shoulders, and when he pushed a finger into me I screamed in pleasure.

He kept it inside me for a few moments as my shuddering subsided. When he pulled it out I whimpered at the loss. He purred softly into my thigh.

"My turn now."

His kisses traveled up my belly and breasts, gentle nips on my neck and under my ear making me sigh. My hands explored his chest and shoulders, feeling the flat wiry muscles tense under my touch. He had kicked his pants off and I could feel something hard poking me as his hips moved between my legs and I shifted a bit. That motion was all he needed.

I suddenly felt something huge and rock-hard plunge into my body, tearing me open in an agony of ecstasy, the invasion making my hips buck up seeking more as I moaned his name. His mouth clamped onto my neck and he pumped me fast and hard, penetrating deeper with every thrust until the moment he stiffened and pressed deep inside me, both of us crying out as he flooded me with exquisite warmth and I was lost.

I don't remember how long we lay there, drenched in sweat, panting, lost in each other. My fingers traced random patterns on his back as I lay under him, idly wondering whether the throbbing I felt was his, mine or both. He caressed my face with one hand, the other under my neck as he softly kissed along my cheekbone and whispered "Please... stay with me."

"I..." He silenced me with a kiss.

"Hear me out, Perry. I... I know you don't love me, not in the way I'd want from a partner... but you care, and that's something. I can care for you while we find a way to either let you out of that body and I'm alone again... or you decide to go to Monogram with this and he locks me up for ten-to-twenty. Any way you look at it, I'm the one that comes out on the losing end, but... if you stay... well, I'd have at least a few days of happiness." He bowed his head, his forehead on my shoulder. "A few days, that's all I ask."

"All right... I'll give you your few days." After all, a lot could happen in a few days... and the sex had been so awesome I wanted more. Just not immediately.

He thanked me with another one of those kisses that sent tingles streaking through my body. When he finally let me breathe again I said "Stop doing that before we both go up in flames."

"There's no such thing as spontaneous human combustion, you know."

"I'm still not risking it."

He started to get up and whacked the back of his head on the table. "OW!"

I couldn't help laughing. He glared at me and snarled "It's not funny! That hurt!"

"I know... but the look on your face..." I managed to control myself and got up. "Am I the only one wanting a shower?"

"Hot or cold?"

"Warm."

After we dried each other off we curled up naked together under the sheets. I fell asleep listening to his heartbeat, not missing Phineas or Ferb at all.


	3. Whose side am I on, anyway?

I woke after sunrise, momentarily wondering where I was that I couldn't feel Phineas or Ferb nearby. Finding myself in Heinz's arms brought it all back in a rush. I carefully got up and tucked a pillow under his arm. He sighed happily and snuggled it, then fell back into the deep sleep he so badly needed.

I paused in front of the mirror a few minutes to reacquaint myself with this new body. It moved well, and I decided that if I needed to be human this was a good body to be in. It could have been male, but that would have been quibbling on my part.

I knew more about Heinz than he thought I did, including his occasional bisexuality. If he'd wanted me as simply a lover and companion he could just as well have turned my platypus body into a young man. It was well within his capabilities.

This particular female body had been created mainly as a mother for his wished-for children. The empty vessel should have been filled with a personality more congenial to his than mine, except that he'd specifically wanted _me_ in it. I wondered whether his masochism in that regard was conscious or simply learned behavior. Likely the latter.

I padded to the kitchen, made myself a sandwich and coffee, then picked things up as I ate. I put my lace shorts back on but exchanged the nightie for his turtleneck. It was long enough that it served me as a mini dress. The rest of our clothes I tossed into the washer.

The mainframe was still working on Heinz's simulations so I picked up the netbook and logged into my email via the web browser. My inbox was loaded. I had barely started cleaning it out when an instant message popped up. It was Carl.

**Dr Coconut:** Agent P? that u?

**PlatyPower:** hey Carl. wassup?

**Dr Coconut:** MM's freaking out! U nevr reported back after yday's mission & Ur watch isnt wrkg.

**PlatyPower:** weird. might b what hapnd yday. Doof scanned my brainz. mayb watch got fried?

**Dr Coconut:** ONOES! did he get N-E info on OWCA?

**PlatyPower:** nope. PLEEZ dont tell MM, but... its cuz he was makg himself a girlfriend. shes HAWT. ;-)

**Dr Coconut:** aw MAN! I wish he'd make me 1. So Y he scan ur brainz... OMG. R U...? :-O

**PlatyPower:** yeah, this is the copy. Being a girl feels weird... but its fun, 2. :")

**Dr Coconut:** ? fun? u mean... OMGWTFBBQ u DID IT w/ Doof? :-O

**PlatyPower:** well :"S yeah. PLEEZ dont tell MM! he might try 2 kill Heinz :'(

**Dr Coconut:** ok, wont tell. _ um... _

**PlatyPower:** SAY IT!

**Dr Coconut:** :"S did u... like it?

**PlatyPower:** OMG YES!1!

**Dr Coconut:** YAY! :-))) r u gonna gimme all teh kinky detailz? :-)~

**PlatyPower: **later, if ur REAL gud. I need a favor. Send a spot check on me at my house. Weird that I didnt report. or HE. U kno wat I mean!

**Dr Coconut:** 1 spot check comg up!

I kept on cleaning out my email. I made myself read every single one, even the spam, to kill time. There was something nagging me just under the surface and I couldn't put my finger on it.

The IM chimed again.

**Dr Coconut:** Agent P, we have a situation.

The phrasing worried me. When Carl IMs in grammatically correct sentences something's up.

**PlatyPower:** What's wrong?

**Dr Coconut:** Agent Pinky says she spoke to Perry the Platypus and he just made that chattering noise at her. A meaningless noise. She was wearing her secret agent hat too.

**PlatyPower:** Is she sure?

**Dr Coconut:** Yes. She's bringing him in for a checkup. Says he's been pretty unresponsive except for treats and petting.

That worried me even more. I'd never deliberately ignore a fellow Agent.

**PlatyPower: **Do you have any idea of what's wrong?

**Dr Coconut:** I have a thought. I'm emailing you a file, it's pretty large. Have Dr. D. look it over, he probably knows more about this kind of thing than I do, but... if I'm right, you may never go back to being a platypus.

**PlatyPower:** Heinz told me the same thing, but I'm a COPY. Original me is supposed to be on the way with Agent Pinky.

**Dr Coconut: **Maybe. Have him read it and send a reply with his counter-work.

**PlatyPower:** I'll get him now.

I woke Heinz by yanking the covers off of him. The force of my pull landed him halfway on the floor.

"HEY! What was that for?"

"I was just IMing with Carl. He's sent me a file for you to look at. Do you want the netbook or hard copy?"

"Both." He picked himself up, modestly wrapping the sheet around himself. I found that strangely adorable. "That was a really rude awakening, you know. I was sleeping so well, too." He blinked when he saw it was well past ten. "Is that the time?"

"Unless you didn't change the clock when Daylight Savings switched over, yes."

"Wow. I slept over eight hours! I can't remember the last time I got that much uninterrupted sleep."

"Good for you. I made coffee."

"Wonderful. Now what's this file about?"

I explained what Carl had told me about my original self being unresponsive.

Heinz looked thoughtful. "I see... print me a copy while I get dressed, sweetie? Thanks"

I complied then went to throw the washed clothes into the dryer. When I got back the printout was done and Heinz was leafing through it.

"Got you breakfast." I set down a plate of toast, jam and cheese along with his coffee.

He looked at me over his reading glasses and smiled. "Thank you Perry. Have you ever read this?"

"Nope. Too much technical stuff. Give it to me in words I can understand."

"For starters, your pal Dr. Coconut violated probably a dozen regulations by sending you this, and you violated a few dozen others by printing it and letting me read it" He grinned. "I think he deserves a nude photo of you as a reward, am I right?"

"Yeah but then I'd have to share you with him."

"Don't harsh my mellow. I'm not interested in Monobrow's leftovers." He stuffed a large piece of jam-coated toast in his mouth and chewed thoughtfully as he flipped some pages. "Well, this here is highly classified information, but nothing I didn't already suspect. You're aware that OWCA agents aren't just ordinary animals, right?"

"No kidding."

"I'm being serious here. Just from skimming this, it seems ninety-seven percent of animals tested for recruitment fail the first of four rounds of tests. Of the remainder only a third make it to Agent status. Congratulations, by the way."

"On what?"

"On getting promoted to Special Agent." He looked miffed. "I wish you'd told me."

"What?" I felt like I had been blindsided. "When?"

"Your personnel file is in here. You got the promotion two weeks ago... and from the look on your face Monobrow didn't tell you. I'll bet you haven't seen the pay raise either. Typical."

Monogram was known throughout the Agency for screwing his agents over, but to keep that promotion from me was crossing the line. I found myself gritting my teeth and twisting the tea towel in my hands into a thick garrote. "That toupee-wearing bastard..."

Heinz perked up at that. "Francis wears a rug?" The gleam in his eye said he'd be using that information in the evilest way possible.

"He's as bald as an egg, and the mustache is fake, too. Forget that for now. What about me? Or the original me, whatever."

"The basic criterion for becoming an Agent is surviving brain surgery." That made me forget everything else and I listened carefully as Heinz went on. "They're implanting high-capacity microcomputers in the animals' heads. Two out of three don't make it. They ether die on the table or rejection of the implant kills them."

"Good God."

"The survivors are then placed in pet stores, zoos and wildlife rehab centers until they're officially 'recruited' by the Agency. There's a 100% recruitment rate of course. The implants are programmed to respond to certain code words. How old were you when they came to you?"

I closed my eyes and thought back to the first time I met another Agent. "I couldn't have been more than a year old. I was already with my family then... their dog was an Agent, too. Bucky was the one who brought me to Monogram. He was sent to Old Man Simmons' farm a few months later because he was... sick."

Heinz just looked at me. The realization hit me.

"His implant failed, didn't it. It must have, he was acting really weird the last few weeks... oh fuck. Is that what you and Carl are thinking? That my... Agent P's implant failed?"

"That's our guess, yes. I'm sorry, sweetheart."

The sincerity in his tone made me hate him for a moment. Gloating I could have dealt with, it was part of our normal relationship.

I had tossed that normality out the window last night. I had become his lover, of my own free will. Everything between us had changed.

I realized _I_ had changed, too. Before now I would never even have considered letting Heinz see declassified OWCA files, much less tell him about something as personal as Francis Monogram's hairlessness.

I started questioning myself as to where my loyalties lay.


	4. I need a drink

I had suspected for a long time I wasn't just an ordinary platypus. I was too smart, for one, and my ability to communicate with other species had always been just too handy to be a coincidence. I'd never questioned it, mostly out of vanity. I felt smug at being able to do what I did, and OWCA was the one reaping the benefits.

Vanity was a _human_ weakness. Ordinary animals don't care about how they appear to others, except during mating season. It had to have been part of the programming.

I had been hardwired to be an Agent on the side of "Good" with a brain implant.

As a human woman I was now free of that hardwired response. Or was I?

The netbook chimed again.

**Dr Coconut: **You still there Agent P?

**PlatyPower:** That's SPECIAL Agent P. Why was I not told?

**Dr Coconut: **I'm sorry, Special Agent P, Major Monogram forbade me to mention it.

**PlatyPower: **We'll discuss that later. Where's Perry?

**Dr Coconut:** Agent Pinky just brought him in. We're running tests right now. Did Dr. Doofenshmirtz explain what we think happened?

**PlatyPower: **Yes, yes he did.

**StrudelCutie4427: **Where's Monogram?

I looked over and saw Heinz at the main computer. Either the calculations were done or he had paused or scrapped them to get on IM.

**Dr Coconut: **He's out with his wife today. Why?

**StrudelCutie4427:** I don't trust that toupee'd bastard as far as I can fly unassisted. If he finds out what's happened he may try to hurt Perry.

**PlatyPower:** I can take care of myself, you know.

**StrudelCutie4427: **Yes, dear, but I wasn't thinking of you, directly. He might decide to get at you by hurting Phineas, Ferb and Candace.

My blood ran cold when I read that. How long had he known?

I suddenly remembered my complete personnel file was in that printout. I decided to kick Carl's ass when I got the chance.

**Dr Coconut: **Dr. Doofenshmirtz, the Agency would never allow that.

**StrudelCutie4427:** Are you 100% sure?

There was no answer. None was needed.

**PlatyPower:** Carl...?

**Dr Coconut: **What do you want me to do?

**StrudelCutie4427:** Keep Monogram in the dark for as long as we can. Send me your test results when they're done. I'm going to work with what you sent and try to duplicate what happened last night.

**Dr Coconut:** All right. Contact me if anything else happens on your side.

**PlatyPower: **Will do. Thanks, Carl.

I logged off and went to the living room with my coffee to sit and think.

* * *

I curled up on the sofa and started at the opposite wall, not really seeing it.

If the worst had come to pass, I would remain in this body for the rest of its natural life span. With a base age of twenty-two I was looking at easily fifty more years of kicking around on this planet. What was I going to do with myself for all that time?

Then there was my family. My platypus self would probably act as I had always acted around them, not doing much... but the behavior would no longer be a pretense. Perry the Platypus would be just that, for however many years he had left. Not many, maybe, but I would have enjoyed every day with the boys – unless they dressed me up in circus gear again. There are some things no pet should have to go through.

Either way, I, Perry the Platypus become Pretty Girl, would never see Phineas and Ferb, Candace, Lawrence and Linda again. My heart broke at the thought and I fought back tears.

Neither would I see Isabella and her cronies, or Buford and Baljeet. Even that creepy kid Irving had his good points. Amazing how you only remember the positive when people are taken from you.

I would never see my good friend and colleague Pinky again, either, nor any of the other agents. I would never be a secret agent again.

I had no idea about my relationship with Heinz at this point. I had promised him a few days, but how many? A week? Two weeks? Were we still nemeses? Would things be the same after I was a platypus again? Had our physical intimacy destroyed any chance of going back to the way we were?

For the first time I understood the compulsion so many humans had to drink themselves into oblivion. I fought it for a while, then went back to the kitchen.

* * *

The bottle of rum was nowhere in sight.

I scoured the cabinets and checked inside the fridge. Nothing.

I went back to the lab and found the bottle. It was empty. I went over to Heinz.

"The rum's gone."

"Yes." He didn't look up from the printouts.

"Why is it gone?"

"I ran out of propane for the Bunsen burners. The refill won't be delivered until tomorrow."

"But why is the rum gone?"

"I'm using an alcohol burner. What I have going on needs to be over heat for several hours."

Heinz was being deliberately obtuse. I gritted my teeth. "But why is the rum gone?"

"Alcohol. Burner. And don't even think of messing with my work."

"But the rum's gone!"

He still hadn't looked up. "Yes."

I turned and left. I could have sworn he was trying really hard not to laugh. If he had I would have beat the crap out of him on the spot.

* * *

I needed to keep myself occupied, so I went to make the bed. After I was done I got the laundry out of the dryer and went to put it away. That was when I found it.

Heinz had set aside a section of the closet for me – or my body, at any rate. There were several pieces of women's clothing in what was obviously my size. Shoes too, with heels a lot lower than what Vanessa usually wore. I was grateful for that, since I disliked those spike heels even though I'd never worn shoes in my life, except for that body-switching incident with Candace.

After picking out an outfit I turned to go and saw a glint of metal in the corner behind the pants hanging on the lower rack. I looked closer and saw it was the pommel of a sword.

I checked to see if there was any chance of Heinz coming in. He was still busy so I pulled it out from its hiding place to take a closer look. Drawing it from its scabbard was so easy I knew it had been in use fairly recently.

It was a true work of art in Toledo steel, slightly tapered, with the channel down most of its length that marked it as a killing sword and not just an ornamental piece to hang on the wall. The hilt was a simple crosspiece, the haft comfortable, and the pommel gave it perfect balance. My closest guess as to its age made it around two hundred years old. Tiny nicks and scratches along the entirety of the edges told me this was definitely a duelist's blade. A closer look revealed dark red-brown residue at the hilt. This blade had gone through someone fairly recently, likely within the last year.

It was too large for me, but it was perfectly proportioned for a certain evil scientist of my acquaintance. I tried to envision Heinz wielding it against an opponent. Somehow I couldn't quite manage that mental image.

I returned it to the scabbard and carefully put it back the way I had found it. I wondered what the story behind this weapon was. Perhaps he'd tell me some day. Possibly not; the way it was being kept made me think he didn't want to deal with whatever memories it brought back.

I could understand that reticence. Some things take time to process. Even if he hadn't been the one who last wielded that lovely blade, he had probably witnessed it in use and had seen the blood on it when it was fresh. It would certainly have been hard on him, squeamish as he was.

If it had been me... well, I wouldn't have enjoyed killing someone, but I liked to think that the fight would have been worthy of Iñigo Montoya. If it ended in death, better my opponent than me.

The reminder of _The Princess Bride_ made me wonder what Heinz might have in his media library. I made a mental note to ask him about that later. At the moment the smells coming from the kitchen were more interesting. They merited investigation.

Once I'd finished cleaning myself up I got presentable in a lavender dress and black shrug, silently thanking my life as the Flynn-Fletcher's pet for giving me the knowledge of how to wear their clothing. Being naked is all well and good when you're a platypus. Humans don't share that freedom. Their bathroom habits are more complicated, too, but manageable.

Female underthings were already more complicated than male ones, but I still opted to wear stockings. Heinz had definitely picked out some high-quality stuff, and the sensation of it on my skin was a whole new experience. The shoes were also first-class, and I wondered how much Charlene was paying for everything. After learning what she had done to her now ex-husband, his monetary shenanigans no longer bothered me. The bitch deserved to get screwed over six ways from Sunday. Seven, if I could get a few licks in myself.

* * *

I was about to enter the kitchen to ask about lunch when I heard the last thing I'd ever expected – or wanted to hear. My heart shattered into a million tiny shards when Heinz's voice rang out saying "Peter the Panda! Your arrival is unsurprising, and by that I mean **completely surprising**!"

I turned and went back to the main lab, picked up the netbook and its case, and went out the door.


	5. Picking up the pieces of me

I couldn't believe it. Peter the Panda was here, and Heinz had greeted him with the catchphrase format he'd only ever used for _me_.

The _hypocrite_... whining about how his ex-wife had cuckolded him, but as soon as I'd become human he'd gone and called that Pedobear lookalike for a sparring match. Heinz had to have called him yesterday evening for Peter to have arrived from Seattle just now.

I took the elevator to the lobby and went out the revolving door. My exit was punctuated by wolf whistles and stares from male passers-by. They did nothing to improve my mood.

Pausing to rummage in the purple netbook case, I found two twenty-dollar bills, a set of keys for the apartment with a heart-shaped crystal fob and an unactivated prepaid cell phone with an unused reload card. Apparently this had been meant for me the same way the clothes had. I felt relieved at having some way to communicate that wasn't under Heinz Doofenshmirtz's direct control.

There was a coffee shop nearby, so I went in there. After ordering a latte made with real cream I sat down at a table in the back to get the phone up and running. Once my number was active I got on the netbook and IMed Carl. I told him only that something had happened and that he should pick me up here following my instructions.

He arrived in ten minutes, driving the fake ice cream truck. He came in and ordered his chai latte, then went back out. I was waiting for him inside the vehicle.

Whatever he had expected me to look like, I was apparently more than he'd bargained for.

"A-agent P? Is that you?" He was pink and his eyes goggled at me.

"That's _Special_ Agent P, Carl. Get me away from here, without raising suspicions."

"Yes sir- errr, ma'am- errr, miss?"

"Just _drive_, Carl."

* * *

When we arrived at Headquarters I didn't get out of the ice cream truck. Instead I sat in the back with Carl and told him everything that had happened. I told him about how I'd ended up having sex with Heinz, and omitted some of our more intimate conversation, but when I got to Peter the Panda's arrival I burst into tears.

"So Doofenshmirtz not only cheated on you with the panda before, he's doing it again?"

"That's about it... I just wish I knew why he had to call in a replacement nemesis so fucking soon... Wasn't I good enough for him? And that it's Pedobear, _again_, only makes it hurt more..." I blew my nose into a tissue, tossed it, and started on another.

"But Ag- Special Agent P, from what you're telling me, you're not Dr. D's nemesis anymore. You're... well, from what you're telling me it's more like you're his girlfriend, even if it's not quite official. The body you're in is like the Bride of Frankenstein, only without the stitching and bad hair day."

"But it was supposed to be temporary!" I sobbed and blew my nose.

"Even if it did turn out to be only temporary, well, things would never be the same afterward, you know. They never are after you sleep with a friend. Especially when it's your best friend and you're already in love with them."

I looked at Carl more closely. Were those tears behind the Coke-bottle glasses?

"Yeah... it happened to me, sophomore year." He blinked and wiped the tears away with a fingertip. "She didn't feel the same way I did. I got over it after a few months," he smiled wanly, "but it was kind of a different situation. I wasn't nearly as vulnerable as you were last night."

I must have bristled visibly because he went on. "Think about it, Special Agent P. You were in a strange body, facing the prospect of never seeing your loved ones again, and he was the one person you could count on to be there for you. Not only that, you care for him as a person. I've read all of your reports and they've changed over time. At first you used 'Dr. Doofenshmirtz', and later on you shortened it to 'Doof'. The last few months you've referred to him in writing as 'Heinz'. That's telling."

Carl took my my hand in both of his and patted it gently. "The biggest tell-tale, though, is that you're sitting in here with me, crying over the evil scientist whom you gave your virginity to last night.

"You might as well admit it to yourself, Perry; you're in love with Dr. Doofenshmirtz."

I yanked my hand away angrily. "NO!" I almost yelled, "No, I'm not!"

"Suit yourself," he shrugged, "but it doesn't change the fact that you're too emotionally involved to make a good Agent right now. You should take time off."

"What are you going to tell Monogram?" Not that I cared all that much at the moment.

The freckled intern smiled. "Francis will do just about anything I ask him to."

I raised an eyebrow at that. Apparently things had evolved between them, too, and Carl had the upper hand in their weird relationship.

"I will never understand humans... and I really hate being one right now." I'd never been this emotional as a platypus. It was embarrassing.

"Neither will I. I guess that's why I'm so comfortable working here. I like the Agents more than I like most people. I also get a ton of gadgets to play with. Come on," he extended his hand to help me up. "The Major will be away a couple of days, thanks to his wife. I'm going to fix something up for you so you don't owe anyone any explanations as to who you are."

I took the offered hand and pulled myself up. "Thank you, Carl... you're a good friend."

"Grab some ice cream. It usually helps."

I rummaged through a freezer case and pulled out a pint of chocolate pistachio. "And if it doesn't?"

He grinned impishly and batted his eyelashes. "I'm always available for meaningless rebound sex."

I had to laugh.

* * *

As it turned out, my promotion came with a boatload of perks. That it had come in before my mind got copy-and-pasted into my human body also meant that whatever happened to me after that date was covered by my Agency insurance policy – including having become human. I was only the fourth Agent to have become human in the history of OWCA, and the first to have achieved the rank of Special Agent before my "transformation". I could pick and choose my missions, if I so desired, and any equipment assigned to me would be tailored to my specifications. Any orders I issued would be as binding as if they had come from one of the section heads like Major Monogram or Major Acronym.

Monogram was astonished when we finally told him, of course. He sputtered, hemmed and hawed, but in the end bowed to the inevitable. Carl had a lot to do with that. I discovered that while he was still officially an intern, under Monogram's tutelage he wielded nearly as much authority as Agent Pinky's boss, Wanda Acronym. The Major was obviously grooming Carl to be his successor. Most of my fellow Agents were rooting for his appointment once Monogram retired. If the Agency approved the choice Carl would certainly implement the more humane policies most section heads were ignoring.

This last was important to most Agents, because while the tests showed no damage to my platypus self's implant, he wasn't responding to any stimuli except the way an ordinary platypus would. After watching him a few days I resigned myself completely to staying a woman. I took advantage of my status as Special Agent and issued binding orders that my former self would be allowed to live out his days peacefully. I was grateful that the kids were all in school now, and their parents very busy with their antiques business. That way nobody would notice Perry hadn't really gone anywhere all day, unlike before. He mostly stayed home, not doing much except for sitting in front of the television watching soap operas. I rarely watched them any more, since I was so busy getting my new life in order.

Once I had a firm mental grasp on everything I was entitled to as Special Agent, I took full advantage of my status. I kept the base under the Flynn-Fletcher house as my permanent quarters, but now I needed weapons and a vehicle in my size. The entrance tunnels were also widened over a period of weeks.

After much consultation, study and several days' worth of testing myself to my absolute physical limits, I chose a sleek twin-turbine Kawasaki Amphibian in deep-gloss black. This government-only hybrid motorcycle was designed to function as a high-speed wave runner when necessary, but it was mainly a land-based racer.

My racing suits were the latest in body protection. They looked normal but would keep most bullets from penetrating, although I'd still feel the impact of a high-velocity projectile. I could live with that. My one halfhearted objection was to the color. The silver-white reflective stripes on one and black trim on the other couldn't make me forget they were Doofenshmirtz's favorite shade of lavender.

In spite of myself I wondered what he was up to, and if he had felt anything at finding me gone. I hoped he was hurting as badly as I was, but with Peter the Panda in town he wouldn't lack for company. That last thought always made my hurt turn to rage.

With heartbreak I couldn't be functional. Rage, I could manage. Rage, I could use.

I daydreamed frequently of trapping Doofenshmirtz in a cage, of running Pedobear through with the sword in Doof's closet, of flaying the panda alive in the man's presence, and of having that black-and-white pelt laid out as a rug on my bedroom floor.

* * *

The day before Halloween I received a call from Headquarters.

"Good morning, Special Agent P. I have some good news and some bad news."

"Good morning, Major." The man was wearing pants today, and I sighed a small prayer of thanks for that. "What's up?"

"The good news is your new identity has been assigned to you. The package will be delivered to you this afternoon."

"Oh, good, I won't have to worry about traffic stops any more. What's the bad?"

"Well... the bad news is someone misheard your name and it wasn't caught in time to change it. You're stuck with the new name."

"Crap. Are you sure it can't be changed, Sir?"

"Not without going through the courts, I'm afraid, and we're not in very good standing with them since your last mission."

I winced at that. I had made a serious miscalculation there, and the kidnapped judge I had been sent to rescue was now recovering from the emergency amputation of her left foot. That I had managed to get Judge Weston back alive from the drug traffickers that had abducted her was definitely a victory, but I couldn't blame her for any resentment she might be harboring. Especially since the ringleaders had managed to escape when I had to choose between getting them and saving her.

"Is there anything else, Sir?"

"Not for the moment, so you can have the rest of the week. I'm going to the Mayor's Masquerade Ball tomorrow night. There's a ticket for you in case you decide to go. You might even get to dance with the Mayor," he chuckled.

"I'll think about it, Sir." Why on Earth did Monogram think I wanted anything with anyone named Doofenshmirtz? Especially dance with him. The physical closeness would remind me too much of my first night as a human... I kicked the memory back into oblivion.

"You really should go, you know... Monogram out"

I wondered what he'd meant but shrugged it off.

The package arrived by tube a few minutes later. It contained my driver's license, my Agency badge and Federal ID, a Social Security card, a bank card, and the ticket for the ball.

The mistake wasn't as awful as I had thought. What touched me was my new middle name and surname. I knew that had to have been Carl's idea, but as Phineas might have said, it was quite serendipitous.

I decided to keep things as they were; a new name for a new life.

From now on my full legal name was Terry Flynn Fletcher.


	6. Something is rotten in the TriState Area

I hadn't been out of the shower ten minutes on Halloween morning when Carl called me in. I'd just dyed a lock of my hair platypus-teal and was admiring my handiwork when the dispatch reading "URGENT" arrived.

I sighed and got dressed, wondering what could be so important that I was being called in before 8:00. It was so worrying I tripped myself twice trying to get into my lavender and black suit. After moment of thought I decided to put on my new hat, a black fedora with a lavender band.

It felt good to wear a hat again.

The Amphibian would have been too conspicuous so I drove the big black sedan I kept as a backup vehicle. One of the newer recruits, a goat whose given name escaped me, opened the gate for me and saluted as I passed.

The last thing I ever expected to see at OWCA's Danville Headquarters was Norm.

He greeted me with his usual AI cheer. "Oh, there you are, Perry!"

"I'm going by Terry, now."

"That's nice! Say, aren't you a little human to be an Agent?"

There's no point in arguing with a robot so I just replied "Maybe. Maybe I am. Why are you here, Norm? Did you get recruited again?"

The cheerful delivery couldn't mitigate the impact of his next words. "Not at all! Someone tried to kill Dr. Doofenshmirtz, and us along with him!"

My blood froze. "What? When and how?"

A serene female voice came from behind me. "This morning, at 7:03 a. m., with an RPG attack." I turned to look at the newcomer, a robot woman made of Popsicle sticks. "Fortunately for us it impacted the laboratory on the top floor and not the apartment. We were able to escape unharmed. "

Norm piped up "Allow me to introduce my wife, Gladys! Gladys, this is Terry, who was once Perry the Platypus."

I shook the large hand. "Special Agent Terry Fletcher. It's nice to finally meet you, Gladys."

"The pleasure is mine, although Dr. Doofenshmirtz may not approve of that." She had no expression other than the serene artificial smile but I could have sworn there was a tinge of emotion in her voice. Amusement, pity, or both. "Perhaps I shall bake a cake for you to share when having coffee and a conversation. I understand you two have a lot to sort out."

I winced a little. Heavens knew what Doofenshmirtz had been telling her! "We'll see about that, although cake does sound nice. What can either of you tell me about the attack?"

"Not much! We will be debriefing your superiors shortly, Special Agent Fletcher! I'm sure they'll want you to sit in." Norm's cheeriness could be disarming, but even he sounded serious.

We filed into the largest debriefing room, one usually reserved for when larger land-based Agents were at Headquarters. There was a chair I was certain could hold an elephant. Norm and Gladys took that one. It creaked a bit under their combined weight but held.

Neither Roger nor Heinz Doofenshmirtz's presences startled me. Vanessa's did. She was sitting toward the back hugging a boy of hardly thirteen who was sobbing in obvious shock. I started to go over to them when Monogram's voice rang out.

"Ah, Special Agent Fletcher, you're here!" Vanessa's head snapped up at that and she looked at me closely, then at her father. The boy shifted position and took a peek, too. The Mayor simply took a seat at the table. Dr. Doofenshmirtz didn't bother to look up from his tabletop screen but I could feel his awareness following me. I watched him without looking, as I'd been trained to do so long ago... was it that long? It felt like two lifetimes since I'd first been in training.

The most glaring thing about him was that he wasn't wearing his usual lab coat, just the short-sleeved turtleneck and dark pants he favored. It made him look more vulnerable than usual, almost like a snail out of its shell.

The second thing I noticed was that he had a sword hanging from the back of his chair. I recognized the scabbard and hilt right away. It was the one he'd kept hidden in the closet.

I ended up seated to his right, one chair between us. Someone had arranged it on purpose, probably Monogram. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill Heinz Doofenshmirtz, too. Just not in front of the two kids. I stared at my own monitor instead.

The debriefing began. Apparently Norm had detected the RPG seconds before impact and with Gladys had managed to haul everyone down the stairs in record time. The elevators had been incapacitated by the explosion and, from what news reports on my monitor said, seven other people had apparently died when one of the cars' safety brakes failed and plummeted twenty stories down the shaft. The fire department and police had managed to evacuate the building and the surrounding area, but I could see DEI was done for. They were now containing the fire and trying to keep the tower from collapsing in the wrong direction.

It sickened me to think what could have happened. September 11, 2001, had happened before I was hatched, but even witnessed second or third hand it was a horrible, horrible thing.

Worse still was when the boy got up to give his account. I had thought the dark circles around his eyes were from the trauma of the morning's attack. Now I could see him close up I could tell they were natural, the way some people have them. He looked like a little raccoon... or... maybe...

My brain refused to process the implications until he spoke up and all doubt was gone.

"My name is Peter... I used to be a panda."

My muscles had barely started to tense when something sliced through the air and stopped just below my chin. I felt cold metal against my neck and realized Doofenshmirtz had whipped the sword out to keep me from jumping Pedobear. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye.

"Down, he growled. "Listen first." His eyes had been fixed on Peter all this time.

If I hadn't been so angry I'd probably have been scared shitless at what he'd just done. As I was, I just glared at him sideways until he pulled the blade away from my throat.

Peter went on. "I was an OWCA Agent based in Seattle. My nemesis there was Professor Arturo Diaz-Moreau. I say was... because he's dead. Killed two months ago in what's been officially designated a lab accident."

Doofenshmirtz growled at that. "'Officially designated'? Why am I hearing 'coverup' when you say that?"

Peter closed his eyes in obvious pain. "I was there, Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Arturo wasn't working on any evil plans at all that week." He sobbed "We... we'd just come back from spending Labor Day Weekend in Hawaii."

That made me take a closer look. He still had the remains of a suntan. That mean he'd been human when he arrived at DEI. Had he and Diaz-Moreau...?

Peter went on, his dark-ringed eyes shimmering with grief as he stared at the table. "Arturo was going to change me back into a panda the following morning so we could go back to our usual routine. He went to plug the People-matic in so it would be fully charged... he never made it back to the bedroom."

They _had_! I wondered if emotional and sexual entanglements were a common problem with Agents and their Evil nemeses. My anger at him turned partly into pity at how young and lost Peter looked... Pedobear, indeed, but by whose choice?

I spoke up. "Peter... do you know what happened?"

He glanced at me and went on. "I have an idea, Special Agent Fletcher. There must have been an explosive charge in the People-matic set to go off when Arturo plugged it in. The explosion blew half his evil lair sky-high. I... I remember the bed being flipped and slammed against a wall by the shock wave... the way it landed saved my life when the rest of the house collapsed. I also remember smelling PETN residue before I blacked out."

No wonder he looked so traumatized; two explosive attacks in two months would do that to anyone, even hardened Agents like ourselves.

Roger Doofenshmirtz finally spoke up. "What's PETN?"

His brother answered. "Pentaethylene trinitrate. It's a plastic-type explosive, but it makes C4 look like chewing gum. From what Peter's describing and the reports I have on screen, they must have packed the People-matic with at least a pound of it and wired the detonator to the internal power converter. Once the plug went into the wall – boom."

If Heinz Doofenshmirtz had been reading up on modern explosives instead of concocting his own, something was _definitely_ afoot. I looked at the two men at the head of the table. "Major Monogram, who else has been attacked?"

"I see you've put two and two together, Special Agent Fletcher. We have reports that several members of Dr. Doofenshmirtz's organization, L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N, have also been targeted over the past eight weeks, as have other evil scientists across the country. Our Intelligence analysts tell us this is most likely a move by someone trying to corner the market on Evil Science."

Carl added "We know that Dr. Doofenshmirtz's old teacher, Dr. Gevaarlijk, was attacked in her garden by a rabid nutria... which just _happened_ to be her nemesis before she retired. Animal control shot Agent N in the head before we could get to her" – he looked at me for a second – "and extract the information from her implant. As for Aloyse Everheart Elizabeth," he checked the paper in his hand, "Otto Wolfgang Hypatia Gunther," he checked again, "Galen Gary Cooper von Roddenstein-"

Dr. Doofenshmirtz cut him off. "Oh, just save your breath and call him Rodney! You know we all do it. Especially because it drives him nuts," he smirked.

"Okay... Rodney... he was involved in an alleged DUI. The other vehicle shoved his car into the Metropolitan Oval Aquatic Trench while it was empty for structural inspections. He'll live... but he'll be in a body cast for the next eighteen months or so."

The list went on. Doofenshmirtz's hero, Dr. Lloyd Wexler, had been shot dead in a botched kidnapping six weeks ago. His old mentor, Professor Destruction, had died of what seemed to be food poisoning. Agent Pinky's nemesis, Professor Poofenplotz, had been infected with a virulent strain of lab-created staphylococcus and was fighting for her life at Danville General. The Regurgitator had apparently overdosed on alcohol and painkillers and was found choked on his own vomit.

Including the attempt to kill Heinz Doofenshmirtz, that made nine evil scientists dead or nearly so in almost as many weeks. All of them had connections to him or to L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.

Heinz was the only one to escape unharmed. That would have made me suspicious – except Vanessa had been with him when it happened. I knew him better than anyone present, and he would never have risked his daughter's safety for any reason, certainly not the mere possibility of Evil supremacy. Not _ever_.

Roger Doofenshmirtz spoke again. "Do we have any idea as to who's behind these attacks? And if so, is there any intelligence on what their next target will be?"

Norm spoke up suddenly. "Gladys, dear, why are you transmitting a UHF signal?"


	7. Bombs going off everywhere

Gladys had made the mistake of attempting a live broadcast instead of recording the planning stage of the meeting. She probably hadn't expected Norm to detect the wavelengths she was transmitting on. OWCA certainly wouldn't have; the Agency had converted to all-digital within the last two years.

As it was... she was _so_ busted.

Norm's head flew off his shoulders as Gladys rotated her upper body and backhanded him.

"What did I ever do to deserve this?" he said. "We should get marital counseling!"

Gladys went straight for Heinz, who managed to spring out of his chair before a wooden fist crushed him in it. She followed, confirming he was her main target. I went after them to try and stop her somehow.

Carl gathered the others and herded them out the door. "Be careful, Terry! We don't know what's in her!"

Thank you, Captain Obvious. As long as he got the others away I could face just about anything.

Norm's body started trying to get to the head, seeking on the floor with extended hands. Heinz was dodging Gladys as best he could. Her fists came down and half the conference table was smashed, the other half standing serenely. Even the coffee mugs were undisturbed.

"Norm!" I called out, "Give me your body!"

"I'm a married robot!"

I was already clambering in through the neck hole. "_The __**controls**__, you overbuilt blender!_"

"Oh! Why didn't you say so? Override accepted!"

I got into the seat and managed to get to the pedals and steering. As a human I was too tall to get in all the way, so my head stuck out unprotected. I had to take the risk, Gladys was closing on Heinz.

I got Norm's body walking in her direction – and accidentally kicked the head toward the wall.

"Ow! Now I have a headache!"

"Sorry!"

It was awkward but I managed to get the robot's arms swinging and clocked Gladys from behind. She turned and took a swing at me, missing my head by inches. I threw a mis-aimed punch that crushed her shoulder instead of her head. It was good enough to cripple the joint, keeping her from using the arm effectively.

Gladys dropped and swept Norm's feet out from under me, landing his body on the floor. The impact was jarring and it took a few moments to get Norm back up – moments I couldn't afford.

Heinz had gone back to the splinters of his chair and picked up the sword. I could see out of the corner of my eye he had it at the ready, but when Gladys went after him again she was in my line of sight. I was cursing a blue streak when I finally managed to get Norm up.

Gladys turned. The sword was sticking out of her left "eye". I sent Heinz a silent congratulation and punched her. It went low, splintering her chest. Another punch cracked her jaw. The third one knocked her onto her back.

Heinz jumped on her chest as she struggled to get up and pulled the sword out, quickly plunging it into her neck. Gladys' head came off and she spoke for the last time. "The cake is a lie..."

The light in her remaining eye went out.

I dropped out of Norm and went to Heinz. He was breathing hard but looked uninjured. I started checking him over anyway, knowing firsthand how battle adrenaline will keep you from noticing even the nastiest wounds.

Adrenaline will also make you do other things.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me in for one of those deep, soul-burning kisses I hadn't realized I'd missed so much. I almost melted into a puddle of Special Agent goo.

When he finally let me go I was panting too. He looked down at me and said "You know... if it weren't for your insane jealousy, we'd be on a cruise to Jamaica right now."

My hackles went up but he had already turned away to inspect what was left of Gladys.

Norm's voice rang out. "Terry? Could you screw my head on right, please?"

"Sure, Norm." I picked his head up off the floor. "How are you feeling?"

"I'll feel better when I'm in one piece again."

"Oh _shit!_" Heinz spat. "Get down, now!" He tossed both robot heads behind the remains of the conference table and dove after them.

I was too slow in getting to shelter. The blast launched me into the far wall and I felt ribs crack as I bounced off and hit the floor.

The last thing I remember before blacking out is Heinz's indigo eyes looking down at me, and how happy I was that he was safe.

* * *

We were surrounded by toxic smoke and fire, the alarms wailing. The smell of blood was everywhere, it's coppery taste filling my mouth. Time was running out. The light flashed on the edge of the ax as it came down and a blood-chilling scream rang out. My head snapped up and I woke from the nightmare.

I was lying on my stomach in a large bed. The scent on the pillow told me I was in Heinz's room again... but hadn't DEI been destroyed?

"Oh, there you are... Terry." It was Peter the Preteen.

I buried my face back into the pillow and snarled "What do you want?" It sounded muffled even to me.

"I wanted to see if you were OK. That stuff Dr. Doofenshmirtz put on you seems to be really working."

I felt him sit on the edge of the bed opposite from me, so I turned my head enough to look at him with one eye.

Peter went on. "Gladys had PETN in her. The blast sent you flying and left you with second and third degree burns on most of your back, plus half of your hair was singed off. Whatever it is he uses, you're almost ready to get up again."

I _was_ about to get up but I realized I was naked. I settled for lifting myself enough on my elbows that my nipples weren't exposed. Panda or no panda, right now he was a child and I would behave myself accordingly around him.

"How long have I been out?" I could have sworn my ribs had cracked when I hit the wall and floor, but I felt nothing more than a few day's worth of soreness. I ran my hand through my hair. The back was shorter than it had been before but it had grown out enough that I wasn't going to end up in a pixie bob, thankfully. It had to have been quite a while since I got knocked out. Who knew what mayhem had gone on while I was unconscious?

His answer astonished me. "About four hours. It's just past two."

"It's still Halloween?"

"Well, _duh!_ I _told_ you what Dr. D. used on you is good!"

"Yes. Yes, it is." Heinz came in and sat next to me. "Peter, be a dear and leave us alone a while, I need to examine Terry."

"I can help!" He was a bit too enthusiastic for my taste. Preteen boy, indeed!

"Out!"

Peter left muttering something about us being no fun. Heinz followed him and locked the door. When he came back he sat in the same spot.

"You're looking good. You're hair's shorter though, I couldn't really fix that."

"It feels like several months' growth! How can it still be Halloween?"

"That's proprietary. Let me get some more of it on your back."

I lay back down as he smeared something cool and tingly on my back. His hands were firm yet gentle as he worked the stuff into my skin. I was practically purring, it felt so good.

"Oh, man... I gotta hand it to you Doofenshmirtz, evil or not, you got some awesome hands there."

"You used to call me by my given name." He sounded hurt. Good. He deserved it.

"I used to believe I could trust you."

"That's rich. You're the woman who promised to stay with me then ran off the next day."

"At least I didn't send for a replacement nemesis by overnight delivery."

He flipped me over and straddled my thighs as he pinned my arms over my head. He put his face down close to mine and snarled "If you weren't so fucking irrational you'd have waited to find out _why_ Peter showed up that afternoon. Do you remember what he told us this morning?"

I struggled but he had the advantage. "What part of it?"

"Arturo Diaz-Moreau was killed on _Labor Day_. Two days before Peter made it to Danville to beg for our help."

I stopped squirming. "What?"

"Peter the Panda came looking for _both_ of us. He was hoping I could turn him back into a panda so you could take him to Monogram. I tried, but whatever Arturo did to him... I can't reverse it. He's human for good, same as you."

"But why is he a kid?"

Heinz let go my wrists and slowly started to run his hands down my arms. His eyes were dark. "Because Peter really _is_ a child. The People-matic turned animals into people of the age they are _in their heads_. Monogram is pissed at the Seattle division. They've been cutting corners by sending out babies to do adult work." He got off my legs and sat next to me again.

"Oh, no... no, they _can't_ be doing that! I didn't get assigned to you until I was..." I did some mental math. "I must have been the platypus equivalent of twenty-four. I got two full years of training before going out in the field."

Heinz had wrapped his arms around me and pulled me up so I was sitting facing him. "So did Peter – but pandas live longer. They get recruited later – or should. He's a lost, frightened little child-Agent who had his nemesis killed practically in front of him." He lay his head on my shoulder. "The worst part is how serious Peter's relationship with Arturo really was. I'm sure you thought it was pedophilia too?"

I grimaced and muttered in assent.

"It wasn't. Peter brought me Arturo's hard drives, and one of the files contains his personal journal. He was planning to adopt Peter the Preteen as his son. It's all in his files."

Whatever hatred I had held for Peter died then and there. So did my anger toward Heinz.

All I had left was something I forced myself to put into a mental cupboard to get down to the real task at hand. Someone had tried to kill Heinz, and that they hadn't had any scruples about killing Vanessa and Peter along with him compounded the crime.

Killing _me_, well, that's simply the nature of the secret agent life. It's just business.

I pulled his head up to make him look at me. "Where exactly are we, how did we get to where we are, and who else is here?"

"It's my suburban house. I never did sell it." He smiled wryly. "You can thank the economy for us having a hideout. We got here in your car. Vanessa and Carl are both here, Monogram is in your base directing the evacuation of OWCA headquarters. We thought it was safer to destroy the place, since we couldn't be sure Gladys didn't have a GPS transmitter. What we've been able to get from her head... well, you can come see it."

* * *

Agent Pinky had been kind enough to retrieve my two other racing suits and the outfit I had worn the day I ran away from DEI. I put on the civvies, since whatever action took place I would deal with after getting all the information Gladys had given up.

Heinz's basement was a very streamlined version of his DEI lab. Without space for building anything but the smaller Inators, he had installed a mainframe computer with a huge plasma screen. The chemical lab up against the back wall had obviously been in use recently; I could smell more of the stuff he had rubbed into my skin.

The screen was split vertically into two displays, the left being photos of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. members, the one on the right, people that had been in Gladys' database. Most of the ones on the left had a big red 'X' over them.

One of the photos on the right was a face I recognized all too well from my nightmares. "I know that motherfucker!"

Carl spoke behind me. "Which of them?"

"Second row, third one from the left." I was snarling in rage now. "That's 'Azrael' Cardones. He's the reason I had to cut off Judge Amelia Weston's foot."


	8. Blood, fire and ice

The bomb had been set to go off almost as soon as touched. It was small, as such things go, but its purpose hadn't been to destroy the heavy armoire it had been set behind. It was meant as a distraction. It might not even have worked except for the fact that there were other bombs going off in the building I was working my way through.

I knew where they were holding Judge Weston, thanks to the efforts of other Agents who had cased the place incognito. I especially owed it to Agent R., who had moved to Danville from Paris the year before. Remy the Rat had given us complete details on the guest bedroom and how the Judge was restrained. I was to rescue her while other Agents took down her guards.

The best laid plans of mice and men – and monotremes – go oft awry.

The bastards were waiting for us.

Our best guess later on was that vibrations from the bomb that killed Agents B, F and K set off the one behind the armoire. It toppled over and crushed part of the Judge's foot. By the time I'd fought my way to the room she was barely conscious. Half the house was on fire and the wind was blowing toxic smoke in our direction. I knew I had to get her out, whatever the stakes; she was now the key witness and could describe any who got away.

I tried lifting the piece of furniture but it was too heavy for me in my battered condition. I ran through the hallways looking for something I could use as a lever. I found a fireman's ax and ran back to find the ringleader of the gang slipping out the window. He smirked and pointed.

There was a second bomb. The thing looked like there was enough explosive to blow the rest of the building sky-high. It hadn't been there before.

I froze for a second, all he needed to get away.

The bomb was simple enough, but I didn't have time to risk deactivating it. I tried leveraging the armoire off Judge Weston's foot but lost my grip and she moaned loudly as it fell again, crunching even more of the bones in her foot. The sound made me want to throw up.

The timer was reading three minutes and kept ticking.

I took a good look at the situation and steeled myself for what had to be done. Once I had the tourniquet around her ankle as tight as I could make it, I begged her for forgiveness. I didn't know if she heard me.

Less than two minutes.

I raised the ax and brought it down full force just below her ankle. Amelia Weston let out a bloodcurdling scream and mercifully fainted. I slung her over my shoulder and carried her out as best I could.

I managed to get us outside just as the last bomb went off and were knocked to the ground by the blast. Fortunately, most of the shock wave was diverted upward. The rescue crew airlifted the Judge to Danville General and managed to save her life, but I found it small comfort.

The principal and secondary assault teams had captured or killed the majority of the gang present. The man who had escaped through the window was later identified to me as their leader. He had a dozen aliases, but it was confirmed that his real name was Alberto 'Azrael' Cardones. I swore that sooner or later I would have his hide.

Three weeks later I was staring at his picture in my nemesis' basement.

* * *

Our intelligence network had positively identified Cardones as the man staying at a house by the shores of Lake Nose since the day before yesterday. From what the local Agents were reporting he was actually taking a break from whatever his usual mayhem was. It fit what we knew of his methods: get out of town before his goons did the dirty work. The Judge Weston kidnapping had been to extract information from her by torture, so he attended to it himself. It had been partly hard work, partly sheer luck we mounted the assault in time to get her out before he got started on her.

He wasn't known as "Azrael" for nothing.

Two hours of scanning Gladys' memories later, there was still no clue as to Cardones' next targets. All we had was a list of his associates and personal relationships, and I sent a silent prayer of thanks to whatever gods are out there that he wasn't someone Charlene Doofenshmirtz had been screwing. I didn't want to be the one to tell Heinz _that_ kind of intel, he was way too likely to want to take it out on the messenger.

I kept asking myself why his opinion of me should still matter so much.

* * *

There was nothing more for me to do, so I headed to the kitchen. The trick-or-treating had started and I wanted no part of it. I couldn't bear the thought of Phineas, Ferb and Isabella there at the door. Carl and Vanessa were on candy duty, and Peter was playing Twenty Questions with Norm's head. Heinz was somewhere in the house, playing a guitar.

I picked up a couple of mugs of coffee and prepped them, added a plate of apple strudel pieces, and followed the sound of the guitar to the loft. He was slumped in an easy chair, one leg over the chair arm, the guitar's body lying on his stomach as he fingered it with eyes almost shut.

He wore all black, like the first day I saw him after his return from Drueselstein at the end of summer. The memory of lying across his shoulders as he played on the couch was bittersweet now.

I gave myself a mental shake and sat down across from him. The mugs and plate I set on the small table between us, and I draped myself over my seat to listen to him play, my chin resting on my crossed arms. There was no sign that he'd noticed my presence and for some reason it bothered me.

When he finally stopped playing a few minutes later I couldn't keep silent any more.

"Curse you, Heinz Doofenshmirtz."

He gave me a heavy-lidded look but said nothing. I went on.

"I'm three doors away from my family and it might as well be the other side of the world. I'm stuck in a body that isn't mine, and I _hate_ that I can't control its reactions to you. You're the only constant in my life and I no longer know if I hate you or if I love you... I... damn it all, Heinz, except that you're my nemesis, I barely even know which way is up any more."

He gave me a dark look. "What makes you think it's any easier for me? I almost got killed _twice_ today, my home and most of my assets were blown to pieces, and worst of all, my _kids' lives_ were endangered, too. My ex-wife called me in hysterics from Honolulu as soon as she saw the news and is threatening to fight over Vanessa's paternity – as if that could change what's already happened. I can't really control my reactions to you in that body either... and if things go the way I think they will... crap." He looked away.

After a moment's silence he looked at me again. His words made my blood freeze.

"Perry... I don't think I'll be your nemesis much longer."


	9. Rocks vs hard places

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What could Heinz mean about not being my nemesis much longer?

I hadn't fought him since the day he put my mind into the human girl he'd created to be his life partner, but I was _still_ the Agent assigned to him. I hadn't seen him in two months only because he'd been lying low until this morning. OWCA intelligence hadn't picked up any real activity from him until someone tried to blow him up along with Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc.

"But... why?" was all I managed to croak out.

He sat up and took a long swig of coffee before going on. "I don't know which was the bigger mistake, putting your mind in that body or going to Monogram after we were attacked this morning. I'm between a rock and a hard place, and he knows it. He gave me until noon on Monday to make my decision."

"About...?"

"He made me an 'offer' I can't refuse. If I want to avoid getting locked up, I have to sign on with OWCA as resident consultant on Evil. With _you_ as my supervising officer."

My jaw dropped, hit the floor, and bounced away. Coercing Heinz Doofenshmirtz into working for the Agency was either a flash of brilliance on Major Monogram's part – which I doubted – or the ultimate cruelty.

Heinz confirmed my hunch. "Francis took _waaaaay _too much pleasure in reading me Article 19." He winced. "Paragraphs One through Four." I shut my mouth before a fly got in as I realized what that meant. Article 19 prohibited romantic and sexual relationships between Agents in the same chain of command, as well as between conditional enlistees and their supervising officers. Paragraphs Three and Four detailed the punishments for getting caught.

We would be off-limits to each other for as long as both of us were with the Agency. I knew it had to be a deliberate move by Monogram to screw over as many people as possible.

Whatever good opinion I had left of my boss died then and there.

Heinz slowly ate a piece of strudel before starting again. "Vanessa moved in with me a month ago _and_ I've been fostering Peter – there was really no other place for him to go." He closed his eyes and went on. "So, I can agree to what Monogram wants, and I keep my kids and my freedom but lose you," he said as he put his head in his hands, elbows on his knees, "or I can refuse, lose my kids, become someone's bitch at Danville Prison, and lose you."

I got off my chair and knelt at his feet so I could look into his face. The misery I'd seen in it back when that stupid high-school video of him got posted online was nothing compared to the despair I saw now.

I was in a despair of my own. I'd already lost my family twice; once when I was reassigned to the Regurgitator, and the second when Heinz ripped my mind out of Perry the Platypus' body and put it in Terry the Pretty Girl. I knew the pain he was facing. As for losing me as his nemesis... I knew that pain, too. When I was assigned to Heinz I was just over three calendar years old, and after almost four years he had become such a part of my life that when Peter the Panda came along I had seriously considered quitting my job as an Agent. Even though it had all been a ploy to capture my fellow agents and turn us into a chess set, it had been heartbreaking. The happiest moment of my life until then had been when he asked me to take him back as my nemesis.

And all that had been _before_ we got ourselves into this quasi-romantic mess. Now he'd be practically right next to me... and completely off-limits. It would be almost like losing him a third time.

I remembered my first night as a woman, and how happy I had felt when I fell asleep in his arms. I might or might not have felt the same if he'd turned my platypus body into a man, but there was no way to know that now. I could only know what had been, and what now was.

I could give Heinz up as my nemesis, but not have him disappear from my life completely. This gave me a better-than-nothing compromise. I could live with Article 19... for a while. Once I couldn't take it any more, well, that bridge I'd cross when I got to it.

"I... see. I guess that gives me until Monday noon." Time was of the essence.

"For what?" Heinz's eyes were still closed.

"This..." I rose up from my knees, wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed him with everything I had. He gave a squeak and his arms wrapped around me, pulling me up as he leaned back into the chair. I followed, pushing myself up and forward into our kiss.

I put a little too much enthusiasm into it.

The easy chair tipped over backwards, with both of us along for the ride. We landed hard, our teeth knocking together, and I felt my lower lip split open just enough to start bleeding.

"Oof!"

"Ow!" He blinked up at me, teary-eyed.

"Are you OK?" I sucked on my lip to keep from bleeding all over his face.

"I think I chipped a tooth. You?"

"Just the lip..."

"Dad?" Vanessa came running up the stairs. "Are you OK?"

Heinz tilted his head back to look at her. "Yeah, we're fine, sweetie." The concept of a tangle of arms and legs sprawled all over a tipped-over easy chair counting as "fine" made me giggle.

She gave us an exasperated look. "Aren't you a little old to be acting like a hormonal teenager?"

"No!" I answered for him. "No, he's not!" The grin he gave me could have caused retinal damage in unsuspecting passers-by. I gave him a wink back.

Vanessa scowled more than usual. "I need to talk to _you_ in a bit. Dad, uncle Roger called, he asked me to remind you you're meeting him at City Hall at seven. He's sending a car."

"I wish I hadn't agreed to go to that stupid ball. Perry–"

"No." I got off him and stood up.

"Huh?" He looked confused.

"_Perry_ is a platypus." I gave him a little smile and helped him to his feet. "_My_ name is Terry Fletcher."

* * *

Vanessa cornered me after Heinz had left.

"Did Dad tell you what Major Monobrow wants him to do?"

"Yes."

"It's not fair, you know. We went there looking for help and he's forcing my Dad to give up on evil. I don't _like_ Dad being evil, but it's his way of life."

I raised an eyebrow at that. She went on. "I gave up on trying to bust him to my Mom after we came back from Gimmelschtump. Things... happened there. I can live with Dad's version of evil after what I dealt with. Maybe I'll tell you about it one day."

The subject was clearly off limits so I stuck to the matter at hand. "I don't like what Monogram any more than you do. Probably less. Vanessa, I have no idea of how I feel about Heinz, but I'm... well, I'm _enjoying_ being with him."

"You mean sleeping with him?" she smirked. "Before you go punch him, he didn't tell me anything; I figured it out. Besides, I already know you – or your body – from seeing you growing in the tank. I know why he made it, and I'm okay with that."

I answered a bit dryly. "It's nice to know we have your approval. As for what the Major is doing... he's being petty and cruel, to say the least. He's actually making your father look downright heroic."

"Oh, Dad can be heroic for real when he wants to. I've seen him." She smiled, not her usual little smile but a real one. It made her look even prettier than she usually did.

That piqued my interest. "Am I going to hear about it?"

"He'll have to tell you himself, when he's ready." She shrugged. "Are you going to the Masquerade Ball?"

"I wasn't planning to." I dropped my eyes. I really didn't want to deal with the crowd.

"You should... Dad's there, in spite of himself."

Peter ran in. "Terry, Norm's running out of power. He wants to know if he can use your car to charge up."

"As long as he doesn't drain the battery, go ahead. You know what to do?"

"Yeah, all he needs is a quick charge. Thanks!" He ran back out and slammed the door to the carport shut behind him.

Vanessa went on. "Terry, you're _wasting time_ here while Dad is at City Hall! I mean, don't you want to take advantage of all the time you have left with Dad?"

I closed my eyes and thought a moment. "Yes. Yes, I do! But what am I going to wear? I haven't a clue!"

"I have a Ballgown-inator." That made me wince. "I promise I won't make you wear black."

"Oh, all _right_! I hope this plan of yours works."

"It will." She smiled again. "You'll love what I have in mind for you."

Her smile made me nervous, but I had no more time to waste.

I had a ball to attend.


	10. Sparkling wine and lemon fizz

I got out of the car and sashayed to the entrance, hoping I didn't set the metal detectors off. Fortunately, the guards were more interested in ogling me than in doing a real sweep with the wands. I presented my ticket and went inside.

City Hall was ablaze with lights, the thousand costumes of a thousand attendees turning the normally sterile rotunda into a swirl of colors. The usual stupid Halloween decor was up, especially to the front of the main lobby. A stage toward the rear showcased one of the newer local bands before the night's big act – Love Händel. The crowd's dull roar couldn't quite drown them out, which meant the band was actually good, for once. The bannisters of the twin staircases on either side that led up to the mezzanine and the Mayor's office were festooned with lights, carpet runners in place to keep the inebriated from slipping too easily. There were quite a few people showing signs of too much to drink, and it was only half past ten. I calculated that by the time it all ended at two there would be drunks passed out all over the place.

Tonight was going to be _fun_.

I scanned the place out of habit, only half-checking for threats; it was Heinz I was looking for. I couldn't see him anywhere, so I decided to look for Carl or Major Monogram. I wouldn't go near Mayor Doofenshmirtz unless there were absolutely no other choice.

Carl was relatively easy to find. His glasses made wearing a mask impossible, so he'd simply dressed up for the occasion. He was wearing some sort of military uniform in deep blue with its stand-up collar, epaulettes, leg piping and cuff stripes all in golden trim. I was certain he was wearing either stacked heels or elevator insoles, since he looked at least two inches taller than normal. I sashayed my way to him across the main hall, heads turning to follow my progress.

I was both thanking and cursing Vanessa for talking me into my outfit. Even with the semi-sheer hooded cloak still on, I wasn't leaving much to anyone's imagination – except who I would be going home with at the end of the evening.

It would be Heinz, of course. Nothing else could ever have induced me to wear _that_ gown.

* * *

I could not _believe_ what Vanessa was showing me. "You want me to wear _what?_"

"This."

"Are you _insane?_"

"Come _on_, Terry, it's perfect for you! You have the figure to get away with it, and every straight man and lesbian woman within sighting distance is going to be drooling after you. Gay men and straight women will be horribly jealous, of course, but you can't please everyone."

"But I can't wear a bra under that! It's backless! Not to mention practically invisible!" I was pacing the floor wearing only a skin-tone g-string and transparent acrylic-heeled sandals with red crystals on the front. My makeup and hair were perfectly done, the teal streak stripped out during my recovery that afternoon. "I'm going to create a major scandal!"

"Only from the hips up. Besides, the under layer will hold you up nicely. Try it on, at least. You might like it." She grinned evilly. "I'm certain _Dad_ will..."

That last claim convinced me to try it. "Oh, all _right_. At least I got lucky and these shoes you found me are actually comfortable enough to walk around in," I growled. "Fire away!"

I closed my eyes and heard the Ballgown-inator go off. The tingle was familiar, as was the rustling sound of fabric settling into place.

When I opened my eyes and looked down, it didn't _seem_ all that indecent. Then I went to the mirror, and my mouth made a silent "Oh... my... gods."

A choker of red crystals surrounded my throat, anchoring the skintight sheer nylon that matched my skin tone. My back was bared as far as it could possibly be and still be called my back. What fabric there was in front was studded with even more crystals in an abstract pattern, with just enough of them covering key areas to keep me from being arrested for indecent exposure. The crystals concentrated around my hips and hid where the iridescent-red organza skirt connected to the upper section before flaring outward and back. More crystals spangled the skirt, as well as paired bangle bracelets on each wrist and a little red handbag.

I wore no earrings but my mask was also red, made of feathers with a few more crystals. It didn't hide the eye makeup Vanessa had insisted I wear. At least that was guaranteed smear-proof, courtesy of Heinz's chemistry skills. I'd look just as good after sleeping in it, and it would come off with just gentle soap and water. After what Vanessa had told me about red lipstick and kissing, however, I'd decided to wear tinted lip gloss instead.

Red lips would have been overkill, anyway.

"There's something not quite right," Vanessa mused.

"Not quite right? But... it's perfect!"

"It's a little _too_ perfect. Perfect dress, perfect jewelry, perfect hair... That's it!" She came over and pulled the pins out of my hair. After tousling it a bit she gave me a blast of hairspray. "_Much_ better!"

I took another look. She was right. The smooth up-do had been transformed into a white-blonde cloud. I had changed from touch-me-not perfection to come-and-get-me temptation.

"Wow... If you weren't Dad's girlfriend, I'd be considering hitting on you."

I stamped my foot. "I am _not_ his girlfriend!"

Even I didn't really believe what I was saying any more.

"Liar." Vanessa surprised me by giving me a hug. I returned it gladly. "Now get your butt to that ball, Cinderella, and don't come back unless you've arranged to become my stepmother!"

"Or you'll turn me into pumpkin pie?" I grinned. For the first time since waking in this body, I felt _girly_. I felt _sexy_. I swung the shimmering cloak over my shoulders and headed out to the car.

I was going on the hunt, and Heinz Doofenshmirtz was my chosen prey.

* * *

Carl's grin was so wide it threatened to go all the way around his head and make the top of it fall off. He took my hand and bent over it to place a kiss on the back. I giggled and curtsied.

"You look astounding, Terry! The Major's going to have a heart attack when he sees you."

"I should be so lucky," I gritted. "Have you seen Dr. Doofenshmirtz?"

"Yeah, he's around somewhere. The Mayor got him to dress up. You'll like what you see." He put my hand into his arm. "Allow me to escort you to our table, such as it is."

He led me to a bar table surrounded by tall chairs. I slipped my cloak off and heard gasps, wolf whistles, and several sharp recriminations from several nearby women to their male companions.

"Carl... why do women freak out when their partners take a good hard look at someone like me? It doesn't mean they're going to dump them for me."

"Some men _do_ dump their girlfriends for a prettier woman, Terry, didn't you know? And some women dump their boyfriends for men who are handsomer - or wealthier."

"I see..."

"Do you?" He actually had the nerve to smirk at me. Score one for the intern.

"You'll know when I start freaking out at the sight of a panda." I grimaced, but it was better to admit – to myself, at least – that I still had issues with Peter's presence in Danville.

"Gotcha." Carl motioned to a waiter. "Something to drink?"

"I don't know..." I'd never really had alcohol, but I wasn't going to admit that – especially not to Dr. Coconut, he might try getting me drunk just to see what would happen. "Champagne, maybe?" I might as well go for the stuff held in high regard.

"Cava's better." He ordered a bottle and waited until the waiter left to whisper "Why are you packing heat, and how did you get past security?"

"Why not?" I bared my teeth. "Especially after the day I've had. The rent-a-cops at the door were too busy drooling over my tits to do a thorough sweep. I'm surprised you noticed, though."

"Your eyes have that look. As for the effect you're having on people here... lucky, lucky Doofenshmirtz." Our bottle arrived. Once we had poured, Carl offered a toast. "To your successful mission, whatever it is tonight." Our glasses clinked. We drank two full glasses before the hairs on the back of my neck stood up suddenly.

"Someone's watching us, Carl. I can feel it. Can you see who it is?"

He took his glasses off, peered through them, cleaned them, peered again, put them back on and then took another sip from his flute glass. He finally replied "Tall, thin guy in a charcoal suit. He's wearing a wolf mask." I had to admire the maneuver; Carl had studied the man in detail without once seeming to look at anyone in particular. I made a mental note to get a pair of fake glasses for my next stakeout.

I swigged down my third glass of bubbly, got up and smiled. "Care to dance?"

The song was totally wrong for us, which made it just right. It was a romantic number, meant for snuggling up. Neither of us was interested in the other _that_ way, but the slow turns allowed us both to study the place.

The man watching us was something over six feet tall. The wolf mask covered the upper part of his face, and shadowed his jaw so I couldn't really tell what he might look like. The suit was understatedly expensive; Carl thought it was either an Ermenegildo Zegna or an Armani. He wore no tie, and the barely-lilac shirt had the top two buttons open, so we could tell he was Caucasian. I noticed a few women giving him speculative glances. He _was_ attractive-looking in that suit.

Did the face match the body? Or was the mask hiding not a charmer but a threat?

Carl and I whispered out a plan. After the song ended we went our separate ways across the lobby to see which of us would be followed by our lupine watcher. The other would discreetly trail the wolf-masked man.

The band started playing again, this time something with a good beat to it. It made things even more interesting.

_AOOOOOOO!_

_Who's that I see walking in these woods?_

_Why, it's Little Red Riding Hood!_

As I started up one staircase I could see Carl wasn't being followed. That meant that either I was the target, or the Wolf – as I was thinking of him – had simply been giving the eye to a hot girl in a see-through dress. The first option was worrying to the Special Agent; the second, extremely flattering to my newly-girly self.

_Hey there, Little Red Riding Hood,_

_You sure are looking good!_

_You're everything _

_That a Big Bad Wolf could want._

A small hand signal from Carl told me he was moving in my direction... I wondered why I was the Wolf's selection. Was he just an ordinary man wanting to hit on me? Or was he one of 'Azrael' Cardones' men, assigned to carry out a hit against me?

_Little Red Riding Hood,_

_I don't think even big girls should_

_Go walking in _

_These spooky old woods alone..._

He was tall, slim, almost certainly dangerous, and definitely following me. He wasn't even _trying _to pretend otherwise.

"Oh, it's _on_, now," I muttered to myself. The chase had begun, and I felt the thrill of being both hunter and hunted.

The music was making things even more fun, and I wondered at the Universe's sense of irony. If I had kept the cloak on I would have sworn I was in a scene right out of a movie.

_What big eyes you have!_

_The kind that likes to drive wolves mad,_

_So just to see that you don't get chased_

_I think that I should walk with you for a way..._

I got to the top of the stairs and peeked behind me. The Wolf was several steps down so I started to walk across the upper floor. It wasn't that easy, since there were quite a few people up there. Roger Doofenshmirtz and Major Monogram were in the crowd but didn't recognize me. Several men tried to get closer to me, but I still managed to weave my way through to the other stairway and head down.

_What full lips you have!_

_You're sure to lure someone bad, _

_So until you get to Grandma's place_

_I think you ought to walk with me and be safe..._

I looked again and saw he was only halfway across the mezzanine. I gave the Wolf a sweet smile and blew a kiss in his direction before stepping lithely down. More whistles and cat-calls followed me.

_I'm gonna keep my sheep suit on_

_Till I'm sure you've been shown_

_That I can be trusted walking with you alone..._

I realized with worry that I had miscalculated the Wolf's speed. He was right behind me and I couldn't risk a fight with so many bystanders around. My mouth went dry, heart hammering inside my chest.

_Little Red Riding Hood,_

_I'd like to hold you if I could,_

_But you might think _

_I'm a Big Bad Wolf, so I won't._

He was suddenly next to me, his hand on the bared-down-to-there saddle of my back guiding me. The unexpected, daring intimacy of the contact sent an electric tingle up my spine.

He knew exactly where he was leading me. As long as it was away from the crowd I would go along with him – for now.

_What a big heart I have,_

_The better to love you with_

_Little Red Riding Hood,_

_Even bad wolves can be good!_

We made it to the bottom of the stairs and turned to the side hall. There were few people there, but he made sure nobody was watching before unceremoniously shoving me into a coat closet.

_I try to be satisfied_

_Just to walk close by your side;_

_Maybe you'll see things my way_

_Before we get to Grandma's place?_

It was too dark to see much – not that I needed to, even with my excellent night vision. I had a man's strong, rangy, _virile _body pressing me against the wall, and there was no mistaking this Wolf's intentions for me.

_Hey, Little Red Riding Hood,_

_You sure are looking good!_

_You're everything _

_That a Big Bad Wolf could want._

I pushed him back, grabbed his lapels and spun us both around, slamming his back against the wall. He let out a huff when I rubbed the front of his trousers, evaluating his caliber before crouching down and unzipping his fly. I could almost have sworn I heard his erection go _'sproing!'_ as it popped out of his underwear.

The little light coming from under the door was enough to see that he was looking down at me, the mask still obscuring his face. I smiled up at him again, then bent my head to take him in my mouth. He gasped softly and tangled his fingers in my hair as I took as much of him as I could without gagging. My hands were on his hips, keeping me stable in my crouch as I worked him with long slow strokes. A low rumble of appreciation came from his throat and I rewarded him by rubbing my tongue against the underside of his cock's uncircumcised head. He started breathing faster and his hips twitched. I'd found his sweet spot.

I wrapped one hand around his cock's shaft as my lips and tongue stroked the head, gently raking my teeth along the top of it. My Wolf shivered and whined softly, his hand tightening in my hair. I stroked his shaft faster as my lips glided up and down in sync, my other hand sliding between my legs to reach the heat there.

A few more moments and his hips began thrusting forward, his torso curving forward over me. His breathing was loud and ragged as he struggled to keep quiet, until he shuddered and groaned, arching back as he came in my mouth. I managed to not sputter and swallowed the whole load, although it left me with a faint aftertaste of bleach.

Before he had a chance to recover I was up, my gun clicking loudly as I cocked and pressed it under the corner of his jaw. The Wolf swallowed hard and I let him suffer a moment more before pulling it away and letting the hammer down.

I set the safety as I snarled at him, "Seriously now, do you have any fucking _idea_ of how close you came to getting _shot _tonight_, _Doofenshmirtz?"


	11. I love you, I love you not, I love you

Heinz was still huffing and puffing from coming into my mouth. "How... how did you know... it was me?" He pushed his mask back, the better to see me without it.

I slipped my gun back into its holster through the overlapping split front of my skirt. "I didn't, at first. If you had kept your distance I never would have known, especially since you're _not_ slouching... but you touched me. Then I just _knew_. Nice suit, by the way."

"Since... since when do you carry a damn gun?"

"Since I've been back in the field as a human. I didn't have one at Headquarters only because I'm not allowed to bring one inside there. Why does it bother you?" I lay a hand over his heart. It was still beating fast.

"One, you scared the _doonkelschtump_ out of me, and two, you're drunk enough to screw up badly if something does happen." He finally managed to tuck himself in and make it look like nothing had happened.

"I am _not_ drunk. Not yet anyway..." I giggled. "Besides, it's your own damn fault for playing me like that. Remind me later to kick Carl's ass for not telling me it was _you_ watching me."

"_You_ will do no such thing." He sounded angry. "_I'm_ kicking his ass." Very angry. Was he...?

"Mind telling me why?"

"He was _smearing_ himself all over you on that dance floor!" He _was_ jealous! "Is _he_ the reason you're wearing that – well, _that?_"

I managed to keep mostly calm outside; inside I was shrieking with glee. "No, I just followed someone's fashion advice. Do you like it?" I giggled again.

"See?" he remonstrated. "You're already feeling that third glass of champagne. I know you well enough to bet on you not having eaten anything for a while." He wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

"I'm drinking _cava_, thank you very much, and you'd have won the bet. Most food is overrated... unless it's your strudel. Or that damn cheese." I lay my head on his chest and chittered.

"Oh, Terry..." He stroked my hair. "How I've missed you, _Geliebte_..."

"Couldn't we leave? We have so little time left, Heinz..."

"I know... but we'll have to stay at least another hour." He caressed my cheek and tilted my face up to kiss me. I slid my arms around him and pushed myself up on tiptoe to kiss back. This time there was no fighting our impulses; no accidents; no mistakes. Only Heinz and I kissing passionately in a coat closet.

We weren't _just_ kissing for long.

Heinz managed to twist my garter holster around to the outside of my leg and pulled my g-string down, sliding his hand between my thighs to stroke me. I gasped and chittered, hiking a leg up around him.

He chuckled. "My, what a wet twat you have..."

"Smart-ass... aahhh! Yes, yes, right there!" I whimpered and was happily grinding my hips against his hand when he pulled it away without warning. I'd barely opened my mouth to curse at him when I heard a zipper open. Before I knew it his hands were on my ass, lifting me up with my back against the wall. The closet was deep, but narrow enough that I could plant my feet against the opposite side to keep myself from falling as he lowered me onto his waiting shaft.

I moaned happily "Ah- ahhh... wh-what a big cock you have," as I gripped his shoulders. I had all but forgotten what it felt like to have him inside me.

"The better to _fuck_ you with, _Geliebte_," was his growled reply as he proceeded to do just that, thrusting hard and fast as I held onto him. It was thrilling, being taken in secret with a thousand people on the other side of the door, and I could barely stifle my cries as he nailed me against the wall.

"Ahhh... Heinz! I... ahhh... luhh.. I..." I couldn't make myself speak the words, my fear of them making them catch in my throat.

He thrust harder, his breath hot on my ear as he panted "Say it, Terry..."

"I... ahhh...no... ah! Heinz! Love... no... ahhh... " It would be like _surrendering;_ how could I give him _that_?

"Just _say_ it, _Geliebte_..." He kept thrusting harder, thrusting faster, and my universe contracted to his body and mine, and what he wanted me to admit to him – and to myself.

"N-no... no! C-can't... ahhh! Won't!"

"_Say it!"_

"Love... ahhh!" I bit into his shoulder to muffle my screams as I came even harder than I had that night on the kitchen floor. "Heinz... I love you!"

Heinz hissed a loud _"Yes!"_ and came again, his grip tightening, fingers digging into my thighs. I knew I'd have bruises later but that no longer mattered.

I had given him the victory by saying it first. He already knew I loved him; I was sure of that. That wasn't the point.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz had _won_... and he knew it.

When he finally let me down I couldn't stay upright. I slid down, back still against the wall, until I sat at his feet with my legs curled under me. I stared at my hands as they lay on my lap, while he straightened his clothing out yet again. He knelt and gasped when he saw my face by the light coming from under the door.

"Terry... you're crying! Oh God, did I... did I hurt you? _Geliebte_, I'm so sorry! I didn't think I was being too rough, you didn't say anything and-" I silenced his babbling with a finger on his lips.

"I love you." I looked up but his face was in shadow. Whatever expression he had was blurred by my tears. "There. I said it. Happy? You won..."

"Terry..."

I cut him off. "I love you, and I can't have you. If you sign on with the Agency like Monobrow wants, I'll be bound by Article 19. If you don't do it, you'll have to get out of Danville before he imprisons you. Any option you take, I'm getting the short end of the stick." I thought for a second, wiping the tears away with the back of a finger. "_I_ won't be able to deal with Article 19 for long, so it's probably better if you leave. Take the kids to Europe for a while. Go to Gimmelschtump, since you have your grandparents' farm. You can get away with a lot of evil schemes there."

"No."

What in Hell's name was wrong with him? He should have jumped at the chance. "Just... please, just _go_, tonight, before the Major screws us both over even more. I'll cover for you." It would cost me my job and possibly get me jailed for treason, but he would be free to do evil.

"No."

"Heinz..."

"I. Said. _No_." He pulled me close, and I lay my head on his chest again. "There _has_ to be some other way. What about you? What does_ Terry_ want?"

I was at a loss. "I... I don't know. Nobody's ever asked me that." Not Phineas and Ferb, not Heinz, definitely never anyone at the Agency. "I've never really had a chance to figure it out. Certainly not after you did this –" I gestured at my human self, "– to me."

"Well, we have until noon on Monday to discover it. Meanwhile... just come home with me tonight, _Geliebte_. We'll think of something in the morning."

"I hope so... Life was so much simpler when I was a platypus."

A hard knock on the door made us both jump. Carl's nasal voice came from the other side, sounding annoyed. "If you two _idiots_ are done in there, I suggest you make yourselves presentable." He sounded _very_ annoyed. "Especially you, Special Agent Fletcher." _Extremely_ annoyed. "Judge Weston is in the Mayor's office and she wants to see you."

* * *

I entered the Mayor's office, trying to not let my anxiety show.

Amelia Weston, Justice of the Danville Criminal Court, sat on the couch to one side of the big office. She looked frail, but she was serene, her silvering ash-blonde hair exquisitely coiffed, her sea-foam green gown elegant, and her skin clear – in short, she was looking quite well, unlike the last time I had seen her. Except for the crutches lying on the floor next to her it would have been hard to believe what had happened to her three short weeks ago.

I knew better than anyone that there was only one foot under that satin hem.

She motioned for me to sit, so I took the opposite end of the couch. Those cool gray eyes studied me for a moment before speaking.

"Take the mask off, girl."

I complied, wanting nothing more than to crawl under the desk. The way she studied me made me feel naked; not as an unclothed human would be, but as a snail torn out of its shell – vulnerable... and _slimy._

"For what it's worth, Ma'am... I'm so very sorry. I couldn't think of anything else, not with the timer on that bomb running out, so I... well..." I closed my eyes a moment, trying to shut the memory out. I failed miserably, of course.

"You did what you believed necessary," she said.

"Yes."

"You have nightmares about it."

I nodded, not looking at her.

"I don't blame you for what you did, you know." That made me look up in surprise. Judge Weston continued. "Oh, you _are_ the one who cut off my foot, and it was certainly deliberate... but it was to save my life, and I'm grateful for that. My doctors told me you did the right thing. I'd have lost the foot anyway, apparently, and your tourniquet kept me from losing more blood than I would have if you'd managed to get me out from there without that... desperate measure."

All I managed to get out was a small "Oh..."

She smiled at me then. "You know, some people might have a hard time equating the young lady in the scandalous outfit in front of me with what Cardones called you while he set that last bomb. I remember you were wearing black leather or something like it, your hair was full of concrete dust and soot, and your face wouldn't have been out of place in a domestic abuse file... but whether you look like a pop star or like something the cat dragged in, Special Agent Fletcher, I have no doubt you're every bit the 'warmongering bitch' he called you - among other choice epithets."

I snorted in amusement. "Coming from Cardones, I'll take that as a compliment."

"Indeed. I can see why Heinz has a thing for you."

I raised an eyebrow. "You know Dr. Doofenshmirtz?" Then again, she had probably set his bail at one time or another.

"We're old friends. In fact, I was his divorce attorney." Of all people. "Before you ask, I know who, or rather, _what_ you really are. Heinz told me everything, including the dilemma you're both presently facing. What I want to know now is your side of it."

I looked toward the door.

"Nobody will bother us. Especially not Major Monogram. Tell me the truth," Amelia Weston smiled again, "the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, platypus girl."

I spoke for over an hour, withholding nothing. She cross-examined me as gently as if I had been a child on the witness stand, and as thoroughly as if I had been one of Cardones' high command. Her questioning turned me inside out, making me realize things about myself I didn't even know were there. I even told her about what had just gone on in the coat closet, she was that good.

Once she was done, I felt drained. _She_ looked as fresh as mint in springtime. It was almost a pity she was on the bench instead of still in front of it.

Judge Amelia Weston picked up her crutches and managed to get up without needing my help. As she hobbled to the door she paused to pat my shoulder, saying "You'll figure something out, platypus girl. Meanwhile, just go and enjoy yourself. You haven't done enough of that. Don't drink any more alcohol for a few weeks, though."

I wondered about that last part. "I will, and I won't... Thank you, Ma'am." I put my mask back on and followed her out.

* * *

We stayed at the ball long enough to watch Love Händel play their final set. When they got off the stage I retrieved my cloak and bag from Carl. Major Monogram scowled in disapproval when he realized who I was and whom I was leaving with. Roger Doofenshmirtz's envy was plain to see. Amelia Weston gave me a knowing smile. I couldn't help smiling back.

Once we were outside I shivered. The evening had chilled considerably and the cloak was mostly ornamental. The sooner I got into my car the happier I would be.

I blipped the remote starter but didn't hear the engine. "Crap."

"What?" Heinz gave me a worried look.

"The battery must have drained out... I forgot Norm was recharging in my car."

A cheerful voice called out "I'm just fine!"

Gears and servos whirred as car parts moved and resettled themselves into a new, tall shape. A giant robot shape with a familiar bullet-shaped head..

"Norm _is_ your car. What the hell did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything!"

The robot's light-up vocalizer grinned down at us from wide shoulders. The front doors were splayed at his back, making it look like Norm had wings. "Peter put me in here! It seems the chassis was compatible with my programming, so we fused together. It feels good to have a body again, even if I'm a Dodge now."

"My Intrepid is now a Transformer. Lovely. How are we getting home?"

"I'll drive!" The robot whirred again and became the same sedan as before. The doors opened on their own. Heinz and I looked at each other, shrugged, and got in.

The ride home was uneventful. I managed to get out of my clothing and crawled under the sheets, happy to snuggle up with Heinz again.

I would deal with the mess that was my life in the morning.


	12. There's trouble coming

I didn't wake up until mid-morning. Someone had music playing really loud.

Heinz had left me to sleep in, it seemed. Alone in the bed I might have slept until noon, but the racket demanded my attention.

Since I was awake, I decided a jaunt out to Lake Nose was in order. There had been no reports on Cardones' activities and that worried me.

I had to stop in the bathroom a while with an upset stomach. Judge Weston had been right; drinking was not for me. As I dry-heaved into the sink I wondered who it was blasting Love Händel.

When I opened the cabinet to get some mouthwash I found the last thing I ever expected to find. Between the herbal sleep aids, the case for his orthodontic retainer and other assorted commonalities there sat a glaringly obvious orange prescription bottle, almost empty. The label was facing outward so I didn't even have to take it from the shelf to satisfy my shameful curiosity. The date and brand name told me all I needed to know.

Getting into my racing suit after I had showered was a hassle. I'd put on weight, apparently, and I actually had to lie down to close the pants. I still ended up catching the skin of my belly in the zipper. I yelped, swore, and managed to finish dressing without any more mishaps, although my breasts complained about their confinement once my jacket was zipped. I cursed my human female hormones. At least I hadn't gone into heat, for which I silently thanked the assorted deities. I had enough trouble as it was keeping my libido in check near Heinz to worry about an overactive mating drive.

When I got downstairs I found Heinz dancing around the living room, belting out "Music Makes Us Better."

_If you're feeling lost down in your soul;_

_If you need a little something to make you feel whole;_

_Just remember who you were when you were in control;_

_Just get together with some friends and play some rock 'n' roll!_

His voice was _much_ more suited to hard rock than to show tunes, I decided.

Heinz was also a lot more coordinated than he thought he was. He really was a good dancer, especially when he was doing one of his numbers – or didn't know he had an audience.

_Music makes us better,_

_Brings us together,_

_And it helps me get back that spirit they stole!_

The bump and grind made my mouth water. Damn, but Doofenshmirtz could _move_ it – especially since he wasn't slouching any more. I wondered whether the medication he was on had something to do with that.

_Music makes us better,_

_Brings us together,_

_And I owe my life to rock 'n' roll!_

He finished with a spin and a flourish, doing an Elvis impersonation. "Thenk yew! Thenk yew verrah much!"

At least the events of the last couple of months hadn't affected him negatively. He was still as spontaneous and dorky as ever. It made my heart melt.

His face fell when he saw me. "Why are you dressed like that?"

"Someone has to check into what's going on at Lake Nose."

His eyes darkened. "Why does it have to be you?"

"Third, my Amphibian is faster than any other vehicle on call." I pulled one of my gloves on. "Second, I have a score to settle with Cardones over Judge Weston's foot and the three Agents who died in that raid."

"What's the first?"

That actually made me pause for a moment as I pulled on the other glove. Did he honestly not understand?

I finally answered him. "I'm a secret agent, Heinz. Law enforcement is what I _do_."

"But-"

I cut him off sharply. "_Shut it_, Doofenshmirtz. You took the better part of my life away from me, and I really don't know where this twisted relationship of ours is headed, but if you think I'm going to give up my job, too, think again. In case you forgot, he's tried to kill you _and _the kids, _twice in one day._" He winced at that. I went on. "Most of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. is dead or almost dead, the rest are in hiding. Haven't you ever wondered why he's targeted your organization?"

"I was attacked just _yesterday!_ I've barely had a chance to think!"

Peter's voice rang out behind me. "L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. and its members are – _were_ – the only thing keeping the more violent types of organized crime out of the Tri-State Area. Cardones knows there's a lot of money to be made here, but the evil scientist community kept crime down. No workaday thug wants to risk facing a ray gun when they don't know what it does."

I nodded. Once an Agent, always an Agent, it seemed. Peter had even put his fedora back on over his curly black hair. The expression on his snub-nosed face with its sprinkle of golden freckles and dark eye circles was far too harsh for a child's.

Then again, he wasn't really a child.

I turned back to Heinz. "The number of evil scientists in Danville and its suburbs also kept away the rest of the Federal law enforcement system. The Tri-State Area has practically no FBI, no DEA and no Federal Marshals available – because _they weren't needed_. Without L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N., there's only the Agency left. Danville is ripe for the picking, and completely unprepared for even everyday mobsters. The Cosa Nostra, Triads, Yakuzas, the Maras... nothing compares to 'Azrael' Cardones' brand of sadism. Even his most trusted goons fear him."

Peter spoke again. "'Azrael' Cardones wants what you want, Dr. D.: to rule the Tri-State Area." I mentally cursed Peter for bringing that up. He went on, oblivious to my disquiet. "Only thing is Cardones makes Hannibal Lecter look like a Fairy Godfather. He blows people up for _fun_, and that's if they're lucky, like my Da- like Professor Diaz-Moreau was, or the other members of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. You haven't seen the reports on the results of his 'interrogations'. I wish _I_ hadn't... and I was a panda when I read them."

I was done discussing the matter. What I needed now were actions. "Will you do something for me, Heinz?"

He was pale but calm. "That depends... what do you want?"

"You told me you had a regeneration tank for use when things went really bad for you. Is there any way you can rig a couple of them up in my quarters? Maybe more." That would keep him busy a while.

"Ye-es..." his eyes narrowed as he thought. "But why more than one?"

"There's no telling what may happen out there, so I'm covering all my bases. Tell anyone who asks I've invoked Special Agent Privileges and you're my proxy. That should cover your ass until Monday noon... Peter, you're the official witness in case Monogram tries to stop him. Also, send Norm out behind me five minutes after I'm gone. He's to stay hidden until I call for him."

"What do I do after that?" He was plainly annoyed at being left behind, but Agent or no, he was a kid now. I wasn't going to let him take any chances.

"Harass Major Monogram and Carl to get as many Agents as can be called in to Lake Nose. Also, find out why there was only minimal surveillance on Cardones there. The Agency let him party last night instead of launching a full assault when the time was right. Third, look through the Agency statutes for anything we can use to keep you on as a Base Agent. You have training and skills; it's a shame to let them go to waste."

Peter gave me a smile that could have lit up Dodger Stadium. "You got it!" He took off, skipping.

"A Base Agent?" Heinz was obviously not pleased.

"You saw as well as I did that Peter's itching to do something, Heinz. I wouldn't put it past some in the Agency to send a twelve-year-old boy into the field, especially if he's already fully trained. Making him my Base Agent is the best I can do to keep him safe."

"And who's going to keep _you_ safe? You ended up hurt any number of times when you were fighting me as a platypus. That bomb yesterday came close to _killing_ you, and the only reason you're even _conscious_, let alone _walking_, is because I shot you up with a triple dose of full-strength Insta-Heal! You're going to be out there, alone, facing a madman and who knows how many goons, all of them armed to the teeth!"

That made me raise an eyebrow. "And you know this how?"

Heinz gritted his teeth as he replied. "I'm not as stupid as you think, Terry. If someone's encroaching on my conquest of the entire Tri-State Area, you can be damn sure I'll be keeping tabs on them. I made the mistake of underestimating Cardones, but I know who he is now." His volume dropped even more. "I just don't know how long I can keep him away from Peter."

"What does Peter have to do with it?"

He went to the doorway Peter had disappeared through and made sure the boy was out of earshot before telling me.

* * *

The house at Lake Nose had been abandoned overnight. I cursed Major Monogram's ineptitude for the fifty-thousandth time. If the Agency had done its job right we could have had Cardones in for aggravated arson, attempted murder, and second-degree jaywalking.

I called Base on my wrist comm and got Carl. We discussed what to do and agreed I would go check D.E.I. for clues before the building was to be torn down.

The ride back to downtown Danville was quiet. I took the Amphibian down to the river and set it to aquatic mode. The nose section flipped down over the front wheel to become a sharp prow, and on either side of the rear wheel semi-rigid inflatable outriggers popped out to stabilize the machine. A flick of the transmission switch killed the power to the drive shaft and opened the exhaust on the twin turbines, completing the transformation from motorcycle to rocket-powered wave runner.

I throttled up and watched the speedometer rise, feeling myself almost glowing with satisfaction as the wind disheveled my hair. The engineers at Kawasaki had outdone themselves. While never as fast as on land, I was doing a respectable twenty-five knots, and had a potential top speed of sixty-five. I could conceivably run down a cigar boat, but the Amphibian wasn't really made for long chases.

Neither was I. My long term planning skills were as sorely underdeveloped as Heinz's were. The difference was that I knew how to make short-term plans that actually _worked_.

The Metropolitan Oval Aquatic Trench had been filled again, giving me a shortcut to the waterfront a few blocks from D.E.I. While speeding down the M.O.A.T. I tried to wrap my mind around what I had found in the medicine cabinet.

Heinz had been on a third-generation mood-altering drug since shortly after returning from Gimmelschtump. From the date on the bottle he'd started it about a week before I became a human girl. The effects were already starting to show.

An evil genius waxing over-dramatic was bearable. An evil genius acting out on petty grudges was bearable. An evil genius with focus and a real sense of purpose was scary. When the focused, purpose-driven genius was of Heinz Doofenshmirtz's caliber, the destructive potential got downright terrifying. If he really put his mind to it now I was certain he could very well take over the entire Tri-State area in a week.

I needed to draw Heinz's attention to something else. Preferably something that would serve a higher purpose - and there was only one purpose I could turn him to that he would or could embrace wholeheartedly. He would be my weapon against "Azrael" Cardones, to be deployed when the time was right.

The questions were how soon would I need that weapon, and whether I would be able to keep him under my control.

Arriving at the riverside marina I throttled down again and went up the boat ramp. The transition from wave runner back to motorcycle wasn't quite as smooth as I liked, but I could work with it. I slid my helmet back on and looked up to get my bearings. Silhouetted against the bright fall sky was the wrench-shaped building, its glass dome jagged instead of smoothly curved. Also standing out darkly against the cloudless sky was a familiar football-shaped object hovering just off the balcony ledge.

I took the helmet off again and called Heinz. I didn't bother with greetings. "Why didn't you tell me you were doing salvage work at D.E.I.?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm at the riverside marina. I can see your dirigible from here."

"_What?_"

"I said-"

"I know what you said! That isn't _my_ airship! And if it is, it's _not _me piloting! I'm still home!"

"Crap. Want to bet it's someone we know?"

Heinz huffed anxiously. "Terry, there's some really dangerous stuff up there... stuff I never let even Vanessa know about."

"Such as?"

"A container of pizzazzium infinionite, for starters. I had it in a lock-box... under my bed."

"What the hell...?" I wanted to kick his ass. What kind of dork hid that kind of power source under the bed?

Then again, this _was_ Heinz Doofenshmirtz I was talking to. I sighed and asked "Is there anything else I should know about?"

"The Angel-Inator is there, too. On my work table."

"If Cardones finds it and tries it on that just might solve all our problems." It was doubtful, but I could hope.

"With my luck? _Suuuure_." His tone was bitter.

"Call the Agency, tell them what we suspect. I'm going to go take a look."

"Be careful, _Geliebte_..." Whatever it was he was calling me, there was genuine warmth in his tone when he said it.

"I will." I cut the connection off before I started spewing endearments, too. I just couldn't bring myself to respond to his affections that way. Not yet. It was still too much for me to process.

I put my helmet back on and put the Amphibian into gear.


	13. Blood, Agony, Heartbreak, Guilt

Getting into the D.E.I. building was the easy part. I simply stepped in through the revolving door. There were no guards posted, and people were avoiding the surrounding area like the plague. I hadn't seen a single person within a three-block radius.

Apparently nobody had reported the dirigible parked just off the balcony, but that didn't surprise me. Not only was the immediate area pretty much deserted, it was early Saturday afternoon in the office district. Most people tend to not look up, anyway. I'd only noticed because D.E.I. was both my target and my landmark.

The power to the entire building was off. I wouldn't have risked the elevator even if the electricity had been on, since I wanted to arrive unannounced. That meant taking the stairway. My grappling gun would make it easier, but it had a shorter range than the one I used as a platypus. It would take several shots to haul me up the center space.

One of the disadvantages of being human, I decided, was that I was so much heavier. My arms were protesting by the twenty-fifth floor. I stopped at the thirty-fifth floor landing and went up on foot the rest of the way.

The door to the stairs had broken off the hinges and lay on the hallway floor. I slipped my boots off and stepped over it carefully, not wanting any noise to betray my presence. I drew one gun from under my jacket and cocked it for the same reason. Better to have it at the ready than for the click to give me away.

One look inside the apartment and I regretted taking the boots off. There was broken glass strewn everywhere from the windows shattering due to the RPG attack. I gingerly stepped around it as well as I could, hoping to make it to the bedroom unnoticed.

I nearly succeeded.

I was almost to the bedroom door when what felt like a hard smack followed by a sharp pain radiated outward from my rear. My muscles started losing their tone almost immediately and I collapsed onto the floor. I managed to look over my shoulder a moment before I was no longer able to move.

There was a tranquilizer dart sticking out of my ass.

My jacket was pretty much bulletproof, and both it and the pants were made to withstand being dragged along rough pavement, or even gravel. Unluckily for me, the designers had never considered that the suit's wearer might end up with a needle jammed into their butt.

A pair of elegant shoes crunched their way over to where I lay helpless. Their owner bent over and smiled at me.

"Hello there, _muchacha mala_."

I knew I was in deep trouble. 'Azrael' Cardones had me in his clutches and I had no voluntary control over my body. Even my eyes were frozen in place. I could blink, but not on purpose.

The best I could hope for was that death would come quickly.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**WARNING: The following section is extremely graphic in its depiction of torture and mental cruelty. If you are squeamish in any way I suggest you skip to the Author's Note at the bottom of the page.**

**

* * *

**

Cardones ordered two thugs to strip me naked. One of them unzipped his pants and was about to rape me when a shot rang out. A small red dot appeared over the goon's eye at the same time the back of his head exploded. He fell to one side and the blood seeped slowly.

The other man shrugged, dragged me a few feet away and finished undressing me. My hands were then cuffed behind my back with regulation metal handcuffs.

If I had been able to move, getting out of the cuffs would have been fairly easy. I wondered how long the dart's effects would last – and whether I would live long enough for it to wear off.

I felt a prick inside my elbow. Someone was drawing blood – but why?

I was soon propped face down on the kitchen table, my knees and chest holding my weight. I wasn't sure what it was, but something was placed between my knees to keep them spread and my ass up in the air. A sofa cushion was shoved under my chest to raise my face forward. The final indignity was a gag stuffed into my mouth.

The dart had worn off enough that I could track things with my eyes now. Cardones was doing some sort of test with the blood he had drawn. Even from my awkward position I could see the liquid in the small vial change from clear to blue.

Cardones laughed. It made my skin crawl.

He motioned for his remaining assistant to step aside and set something up. The man had a video camera in his hand, which he placed on a tripod in front of me. After adjusting the camera he requested – and was granted – permission to leave.

Things did not bode well for me at all.

Cardones started talking. "Hello, O.W.C.A.! It's a _precioso_ day in Danville... well, maybe not for this _puta_ here." He had a noticeable Hispanic accent, enhanced by the Spanish words he threw in here and there. They sounded like an affectation to me. "Smart move, to send an _agente_, but she shouldn't have been sent here all alone."

He stepped away for a moment, still talking to the camera. "Now, I like to do some _examenes_ before I get down to interrogating someone. You never know what the _pendejo_ might be carrying that you don't want to catch. I'm not going to ask this _puta_ any questions, but it's hard to not fall back into old habits... and I found something very _interesante_ I though I would share with you. You won't see it for a couple of _horas_ but that's okay."

He snapped on a pair of surgical-type gloves. "The little _puta_ has been infected with a parasite. It's already established itself in her lower abdomen and will grow there for the better part of a year if _nada_ is done."

As if I didn't have enough with being Cardones' prisoner, he was rambling on about a health issue... even Doofenshmirtz had more relevant explanations for the things he did.

The man went on, oblivious to my annoyance. "The poor _muchacha's_ body will swell to twice its normal size while the creature feeds off of her, with her _metabolismo_ adjusting to its needs." He patted my head condescendingly and I wished I could at least bite him. "_Pobrecita_... It will make her life a misery before tearing its way out of her body in a river of blood and other fluids... and there's _nada_ she can do to keep it from happening."

From out of the corner of my eye I could see Cardones smile charmingly as he twirled the spiraled end of a length of thin-wire clothes hanger with index and thumb. "Fortunately, I can help... and all I need is this _cosita_. Amazing what you can do with the stuff you find around the house, _verdad_?"

He stepped behind me. I felt his icy, gloved hands probing my genitals. It was cold and clinical, not sexual at all. Worse, it didn't even feel personal. I could have been a turkey he was preparing for Thanksgiving dinner.

His next words came as a complete shock. "Really, people, _puta_ or not, whose idea was it to send a pregnant girl out on a mission of any type? Much less after _su servidor_?"

Pregnant? _Me?_ How, when I hadn't gone into heat? I hadn't felt the urge to build a nest, either...

I remembered with a rush of absolute terror that human females are fertile year-round – and they _didn't_ lay eggs. Human pups _grew inside their mothers_ until birth.

The terror turned to burning pain as Cardones threaded the spiraled piece of wire into me. I was still paralyzed, a feeble whimper the only sound I could make, tears streaming down my face as the camera recorded everything. Once it was inside as far as he could get it and still handle it, the pain turned to blazing agony as he roughly swirled and thrust it around, tearing apart my insides as he killed the pup growing inside me.

_Heinz's _pup.

I screamed voicelessly, calling for him, begging him to save me, to save _us_... but he didn't know what was happening.

Heinz didn't even know I was pregnant.

I had only mated twice in all my time as a human, both of them with Heinz. The second had been just last night... which meant I had bred nine weeks ago. That first night we'd made love on the kitchen floor.

The kitchen floor which was now stained with blood – mine and that of our unborn pup.

Cardones gave the wire one final twirl and yanked it out roughly, making me scream even louder through the gag – except my vocal cords were still frozen. I could make no sound other than a few whimpers which even I could hardly detect. I could barely see through the tears and the agony, but the light on the camera told me it was still filming.

I felt a rush of warm liquid gushing from me, and heard it splatter onto the tile floor. Cardones laid the bloody wire on the crack of my ass, the blood and tissue coating it trickling its way up the line of my backbone.

"_Bueno_," I heard him say as if from very far away, "that's a job well done, don't you think? I'll see you around, _gente_."

He stepped lightly away from me, turned the camera off and left me there on the kitchen table.

* * *

**Author's Note: **

**You can start reading again... **

**

* * *

**

I lay there still tied up and unable to move, in utter pain, heartbreak and guilt. By letting me know I was pregnant and then killing Heinz's pup inside me, 'Azrael' Cardones had actually managed to inflict upon me a fate far worse than death.

I knew the sadistic abortion and Cardones' enjoyment of it were preserved on video not just for his viewing pleasure but as a taunt to the forces of order in Danville... yet I no longer cared. My pup was dead, and at that moment I wanted nothing more than to die along with it.

From the feel of things, it wouldn't be long before I got my wish. I was almost certain I was slowly bleeding out.

At least I wouldn't have to face Heinz with the result of my overconfidence.

I had cost us the one thing he had wanted most.


	14. The Angel Inator

I lay there for a short eternity, bleeding, in agony, drowning in grief and crushed by guilt. I was light-headed and heard the goings-on in the lab upstairs as if they were miles away.

I didn't care. My pup was dead and it was my own stupid overconfidence that had gotten it killed. I knew would soon follow.

At least, that's what I expected.

I heard a soft little voice call to me "Wake up... wake up! Mommy! Wake up!"

What...?

I opened my eyes with an effort. Standing six inches from my face was a tiny creature, half human, half platypus. It had soft brown fur with a white throat and belly, a spiky topknot and eyes as bright as sapphires in the sun.

I closed my eyes again.

"Oh no you _don't!_"

I looked at it again. Its arms were folded as it tapped its foot impatiently.

"You're just going to lie there and die? You're going to let that bastard that killed me get away? What's Daddy going to say when he finds out?"

I was certain Heinz would hate me. Whatever love he might have felt for me would shrivel up and die once he knew what I had done.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Mommy... you didn't know I was inside you. By the way, it may have been _technically_ true, but I resent being called a parasite."

I should have remembered I could get pregnant... but I hadn't really considered the consequences of giving into that impulse, in spite of knowing what purpose my body had been created for.

The tiny hybrid chittered. "You were thinking like a platypus. Try thinking like a human. What would Daddy want to do?"

Knowing Heinz... he'd rip Cardones' liver out. Slowly. Through his nostrils. Using an Inator.

The little platy-person made a face. "Ewwwww... I can't wait to watch! Time to get up, now. You can do it."

How?

"Use the wire he killed me with. It's on your butt, it's in reach, _and_ it's the right size."

I realized I could move again. I wiggled my fingers and managed to get hold of the murder weapon. I managed to bend the straight end by touch, fumbled around, and after a while slipped it into a safety catch. One cuff clicked open.

I slowly drew my arms forward, my shoulders protesting their long restraint. After taking the gag off I unlocked the other cuff, then slowly stretched one leg back and down, trying to find the floor with my toes. It felt sticky.

I knew only too well what that stickiness was. It was all I could do to not collapse in a weeping heap of guilt in the puddle of blood that had been my pup.

"You can do that later, Mommy. They're getting away."

I wasn't in shape to give chase... unless there was something in the medicine cabinet?

"It's worth taking a look."

The broken glass had been swept aside, most likely to avoid any slippage by Cardones' thugs as they searched the place. I had to be grateful, since moving was difficult enough.

The fiery agony in my belly had dwindled somewhat into a deep throbbing pain. I could manage to walk, if I went slowly. That wasn't too difficult, considering my bare feet were sticking to the bloodstained floor – made even bloodier by the rivulets trickling down my thighs. I was leaving bloody footprints – but what did that matter?

I didn't bother to go around the man that had been executed for trying to rape me. Stepping over him was faster.

I got to the bathroom and hit the jackpot – they'd looked in the cabinet but hadn't looted it. Heinz had left six small, preloaded syringes marked "Insta-Heal" on the bottom shelf.

They didn't have any notes on dosages. I figured Heinz had calculated for his own body weight. I also knew I was close to the same mass in spite of being a full head shorter. That meant one shot should be more than enough for me, so I cracked the safety cap off the needle and injected it as well as I could into a vein in my forearm.

The relief was almost immediate. The pain didn't go away entirely, but I could feel the bleeding stop as my body began repairing itself.

I listened for any sign that someone was coming. Nothing. They were busy upstairs dragging something that was metal and very heavy, so I could make some noise without much worry. I opened the tap and wet a towel to start cleaning myself off. Once I was less blood-smeared I grabbed the rest of the syringes and went to the bedroom.

There were still clothes waiting for me in the closet. I chose a short red halter dress since it was the easiest to put on.

I almost wept with relief when I looked under the bed. There was a gray lock-box, surrounded by a few dust bunnies the size of jackalopes. Cardones' thugs had obviously decided to not bother too much with looting the apartment.

It had a four-digit combination lock. I dialed Heinz's birthday. No luck. Vanessa's birthday didn't work either. I tried other dates I remembered from his OWCA file: Charlene's birthday, their wedding anniversary, the date their divorce became final, Drueselstein Day, and several other holidays. Nothing.

The tiny platy-phantom poked its head over the edge of the bed. Looking down, it said "There's one date you haven't tried yet..."

The fifth of March.

I dialed the four digits: zero... three... zero... five... and the box clicked open. The little creature clapped its hands and cried "Yay!"

Heinz's combination was my birthday.

I lifted the lid and a blue-white glow spilled from the crack. I lifted out the container of pizzazzium infinionite and admired it. Judging from how heavy it felt, there had to be at least a kilo of the stuff in there.

There were also some jewel boxes, a plastic zipper bag of what looked like oregano, and several passports. Those last made me suspicious.

The most obviously-used was Heinz's, a U.S. passport. That was a relief of sorts. It meant he was a naturalized citizen and Monogram's occasional threats to have him deported had no way of being carried out. The second one was Vanessa's. A third turned out to be brand-new; it was Peter's, under the surname Diaz-Moreau. Apparently Seattle hadn't left him completely unprotected.

The real shock came with the fourth passport, also new. It was _mine_. It hadn't been with the identity kit Monogram had sent me... so how could Heinz have it?

_Carl._ Just about everything in our division went through him these days. The little wanker had to have sent it to him, but why?

I flipped the pages and they came to rest open in the visa section. There was a sticker in there. A five-year visa for Jamaica, emitted less than a week ago. Heinz had been telling the truth about going on a cruise.

He'd been hoping I'd come back all those weeks.

"Probably... I think Daddy's gonna be delighted when you get home with this stuff. That glowy thing looks important."

Indeed it was... but how to get away?

I stepped carefully to the stairwell. There didn't seem to be anything there, but knowing Cardones, he had surely set something up.

The noise upstairs had subsided. I took the inner stairway that led up to the lab from the apartment, moving slowly.

The lab was half-empty, most of the Inators gone. The chemistry section was intact but the big computer with the giant display had been trashed. I checked for the hard drive, but it had been removed. Not good. There were too many schematics and projects in there that Cardones could use.

When I checked the workbench I didn't know if I should be relieved or annoyed. The Angel-Inator was there. A small, backpack-like object, it had adjustable straps and a dial on the belt that went up to ten.

It looked so innocent – and was one of the deadliest things Heinz Doofenshmirtz had ever created.

* * *

Shortly after the Doofenshmirtzes had returned from Gimmelschtump I slipped in through the apartment door. I stepped around carefully, expecting a trap. There wasn't any. That worried me.

I went up to the main lab. Still no traps.

He called out. "Perry the Platypus... is that you?"

His voice was weak and thready.

I peeked around the leg of the workbench. He was on the floor, sprawled on his stomach. He was shirtless and had the most incongruous thing possible emerging from his back. A pair of white-feathered wings that fluttered once or twice.

He was so pale, and the circles under his eyes so dark, I knew something was very wrong.

"Perry the Platypus... I need you to help me... I'm too weak to get this off on my own."

I helped my nemesis sit up and undid the buckles in front and to the side. The wings furled themselves and retracted completely into a case that looked much too small to contain them.

Heinz sighed in relief. "Thank you, Perry the Platypus. I... I thought I could handle that thing."

I gave him a look.

"Oh... you want a back story? Fine... but I need to eat something before I pass out. Again."

I padded to the kitchen and found some protein shakes in the refrigerator. I took two, though better of it, grabbed two more and carried them all back. Heinz hadn't budged an inch from where I'd left him. His head was bowed and his eyes were closed, his breathing shallow. As pale as he was, he looked like he was burning up from the inside.

I placed my hand on his arm over his "Evil" tattoo. He definitely had a fever.

I cracked open a bottle and chittered. His eyes opened and he smiled a little. "Thank you, Perry..." His hand trembled as he reached for it.

Heinz drank slowly and paused to press the bottle against his forehead. I could almost hear a hissing sound.

"Do you like to fly, Perry the Platypus? I don't mean in your hover car or another aircraft; more like hang-gliding or para-sailing."

I shook my head. I hated both of those, and hated free-fall drops even more. The HALO drop to use the Universal Delete Button had been the worst. I did it because I had to, that was all. And what did that have to do with this?

"Well..." He finished the drink and I opened a second bottle for him. "Humans have been obsessed with flight since the dawn of time. The ancient Egyptians had their winged gods and goddesses, as did the Assyrians and Babylonians, the ancient Greeks, and practically every other civilization since. The modern cult of angels is just... more of the same."

He was on his third bottle, and starting to regain a little color – or what passed for color with him. He had to be one of the whitest people I'd ever met, and not just because he spent so much time in his lab. If he were blond enough to match his milky skin tone he'd be almost invisible against a white wall. The only other persons I knew who were that fair were Carl and Candace, both redheads.

"So... hot air balloons, parachute, airplanes, dirigibles, hang gliders, para-sails... they're all good for distance, and some for speed. For maneuverability, helicopters. But what if you need to move quickly and in relatively narrow spaces, like between buildings in a large city?"

I thought about that. Goodness knew how many times I had wished I could maneuver like a hawk between buildings when I was chasing one of Doof's creations! I looked up again and nodded.

"Yes... that was the point of making this. Only... it's powered by the user. It plugs into your metabolism and feeds off of your energy."

That didn't sound too good.

"I spent about ten minutes testing it just now. I only made it up to seven... and it barely got me an inch off the floor before I passed out."

Seven had left him unconscious, then barely able to move from exhaustion.

"To get my body mass airborne would have taken at least a nine..."

He didn't need to add that it probably would have killed him.

I started looking for a hammer to smash that thing. I was about to pound it into dust when his voice stopped me.

"Please don't." He sounded so tired... but he was looking better.

I looked at him and chittered.

"Because there's nothing _inherently_ evil about it. I just... miscalculated. It could work, if I can ever figure out an alternative power source. I won't wear it ever again though."

* * *

I would be the one to use it now. Even if it killed me, I should have enough time to kill Cardones first.

I was _so_ going to enjoy making him suffer...


	15. To Fly Like An Eagle

I studied the Angel-Inator for a moment, considering how to modify it. To catch up to Cardones I would need as much flight power as I could wring from myself in a short period. If seven had barely made Heinz get off the ground, nine wasn't going to cut it. Not if I wanted to stop that monster before he hurt someone else, especially Peter.

A panda turned human child held the key to Cardones' survival.

* * *

I had thought I couldn't feel angrier than I had when I heard Peter had shown up.

I'd been wrong.

"Diaz-Moreau offered Cardones a _liver transplant_ with _Peter_ as donor?"

Heinz hissed an assent. "Arturo and I corresponded a lot. I sent him the schematics for the DNA-Sequence-Inator a couple of years ago. He told me he wanted to check for a tissue match without going through regular channels." He pulled a quarter out of his pocket and started rolling it back and forth across his fingers.

"Don't you mean _legal_ channels?"

He shrugged. My anger escalated but I managed to keep a lid on it. Barely. "So how did _you_ find out about the fucker's plans for a transplant?"

"It's all in Arturo's electronic journals; he had a real Doogie Howser thing going there. Seriously, the man put _everything_ down. Even his bowel movements, which is _really_ not something I wanted to know about. It took some digging to find everything but it seems the People-Matic's original intent was to harvest humanized animals as organ donors."

"If the son of a bitch weren't already been dead I would go looking for him and let him know my thoughts on the matter. Starting with a two-by-four up his ass."

"Yes, well, Arturo programmed the People-Matic with Cardones' DNA to get the man a new liver, and using Peter would get rid of Arturo's nemesis at the same time." The quarter flipped end over end time and again, without him once losing his rhythm.

"Then why didn't he go through with it?"

Those indigo eyes rolled in annoyance. "Could _you_ bring yourself to kill a scared-looking ten-year-old sitting naked on your hardwood floor?" Flip flip flip went the quarter.

"Oh." At least the man had been human enough to not go through with that monstrous plan. "So Diaz-Moreau played Mr. Mom with Peter on weekends and lied to Cardones for, what, two years?"

"Almost. Until that bastard figured it out and put PETN in the People-Matic. The problem is Cardones almost certainly _meant_ Peter to survive the blast that killed Arturo." Heinz suddenly flicked the coin across the room with enough force to embed it edgewise into the side of a bookcase. "From what we got out of Gladys' data banks, he's been looking for him since and managed to track him to Danville. I'm thinking he doesn't know Peter's with me, or we'd still be in my apartment."

"Maybe... but why was Gladys tampered with?"

"I don't know. Insurance, maybe. I'm... a little hard to kill." He smiled mirthlessly.

I turned to leave but stopped at the doorway. "Heinz?"

"What?" He was trying to pull the quarter out of the wood without much success.

"Speaking of insurance... aren't you going to kiss me goodbye, just to make sure I'll want to come back?"

He did.

* * *

Insurance. In one form or another, "Azrael" Cardones usually had it.

Usually. Not always.

He had intended Peter to be his insurance against an unpleasant death. He had intended Gladys to be his insurance against Heinz escaping alive. That meant he had almost likely taken steps to make sure I couldn't get out of DEI alive, either. The danger was that anyone else trying to enter the building would also get themselves killed.

A harsh, cold wind blew in through the blasted corner of the building, making me shiver. The floor trembled slightly under my feet. The whole structure was unstable. I had to get out soon, but how to warn the others?

My phantom pup answered that one. "Maybe there's something left downstairs?"

She – I had started to think of it as a girl – had a point. I slung the Angel-Inator over one shoulder, grabbed the lock-box and was turning to go when I saw the cabinet holding assorted chemical jars. I went to take a look, since any weapon would be useful.

What I found was better than I could have hoped for. I found an empty syringe and loaded it up, then went to try and communicate with the outside world.

I stopped in the kitchen for a moment to pick up the wire Cardones had killed my little one with. After rinsing it off I wound it around my wrist as if it were a bracelet. I decided I just might shove it up the bastard's nose and give him a lobotomy if he didn't get smart and kill himself before I got my hands on him.

My luck was holding. Vanessa's phone was sitting on her night table, and still had enough charge for what I needed. My first call was to my base, now Agency Headquarters.

Carl picked up. "Yes...?" He sounded strange.

"It's me, Carl." I put the phone on speaker so my hands could be free.

"Terry? You're alive? How?" He sobbed, "We... we saw the video Cardones made!"

That was when I realized why he sounded strange. He had been crying and his nose was stuffed up. His nostril-opening surgery had been successful, indeed.

"Yes... Carl, listen, I'm still in DEI. Where's Norm?"

"He's almost back from Lake Nose, I'll tell him to get – "

"No! I'm almost positive the whole place is booby-trapped. Just have him drive down Main Street, I'll drop something in through his sun roof."

"What? How?"

"Never you mind how I'm dropping a lock-box into Norm. It _has_ to get to Dr. Doofenshmirtz." I adjusted the straps of the Angel-Inator a bit and tried it on. They needed some tweaking.

"Terry... he saw that video, too."

That made me pause. "Oh, God." The little ghost looked up at me in sad silence. "What did he say..?"

"He... well... saying that he didn't take it well is a huge understatement. Worse, he hasn't spoken since. Not a word to anyone, not even Vanessa."

"What about Peter? Please tell me you didn't let either of them see that!"

"They saw it, too... I'm sorry... we didn't know what the message contained, it was an anonymous email. Vanessa just puked outright. Peter freaked out for a while, too, but he's calmer now. I think he's talking to someone on the other line."

"I see." I thought for a moment and decided to go with the whole truth. "Carl... I'm not in very good shape as it is... going after Cardones may be the last thing I do. If that's the case and I don't make it, I want you to ensure Heinz and the kids are protected from Major Monogram. Go to Judge Weston or Admiral Acronym if you have to, but... _Keep. Them. Safe._ Because I swear to you all," – the thought of danger to my lover and his family fed my rage – "if I make it back alive and something's happened to any of them..." I took a breath then roared into the microphone " _I will wreak such havoc upon this city it will make the entirety of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. turn green-eyed with jealousy!_"

I killed the connection. My tiny phantom pup was grinning at me. Not an easy thing to do with a beak, but she got it from me. "Daddy would be so proud of you right now."

I spoke directly to her for the first time. "How do you know so much, anyway? You were never born, much less got to know us."

She hopped up onto a chair. Impressive for a creature only four inches tall, ghost or not. "Actually... I've met Daddy before. I remember I was happy here, so I didn't want to leave him. I guess I just... hung around his lab after I died. Then one night you two were in the kitchen and when you kissed you both started glowing. The love you had for each other opened the gateway, so I thought I'd try and be born again through you. After that, I pretty much slept all the time... until that horrible man hurt us."

"I..." The sudden rush of love for this little creature that had chosen me as its mother hit me with sledgehammer force. What love I had for Heinz could not compare to this, neither in its nature nor its intensity. It only made the grief and guilt all the greater. "Oh, sweetie..." I started to cry again. "I'm so sorry I didn't know about you. I would never have risked coming here if I had known you were with me."

"It's all right, Mommy... I just wish I could have been with Daddy again. He never loved any of my brothers the way he loved me... he always said I was special because I was the first one."

"The first one?"

She scratched the base of her tail absently. "Yeah. I didn't come out right, I think."

I wondered at that for a moment before wiping away my tears and turning back to the Angel-Inator. Cardones was getting further away with every minute and I had to get going. I needed both speed and agility if I was to do this right.

The main question was: how would Heinz modify an already-finished Inator?

Of _course_.

I picked up a pen, made two more marks on the dial and numbered them. After adjusting the straps one more time I buckled it on and gave myself another two shots of Insta-Heal.

The pricks were unpleasant, but after the second shot came such a rush as I had never felt. I was ready for almost anything. I strapped on the Angel-Inator and started at five to get the hang of it.

The rush turned to euphoria as soon as the wings unfurled themselves from the case. I extended them fully with only a thought, then flapped them a few times. They responded as if they had always been a part of me. I skipped out to the terrace – me, skipping! – to look for the enemy craft. It wasn't the DEI dirigible, but a cheap blimp. Slow, and even slower with its cargo of Inators, it was just under a mile away as the falcon flies.

The cell phone rang. It was Base. "Yes?"

It was Carl. "Norm is almost there, Terry."

"Good." I looked downward and spied a familiar black shape in front of the building. "Tell him to pick my Amphibian up on the way back, it's parked right in front of DEI."

"Peter and Dr. Doofenshmirtz are on their way too. On the big jet skiff."

My rage flared again. "_Goddammit, Carl, I told you to keep them safe! Why didn't you stop them?_"

"I tried! Doofenshmirtz just put me in some sort of judo hold and almost turned me into a human pretzel... and he still hasn't spoken a word. He scares me!"

I couldn't imagine Heinz scaring anyone but himself, accidentally. "What did the Major say?"

"He just smiled... He's not the man I knew, Terry. He's changed somehow. I think he hopes Doofenshmirtz and Peter will get blown out of the sky and save him any more trouble."

"We'll see about that." I hung up.

The Insta-Heal rush was still strong, but I needed it to last. I jammed the last three syringes into my leg and shot up. The other syringe I slipped under a shoulder strap for when it would be needed. I picked up a stray knife and slipped it under the other strap, then picked up the lock-box. One more look and I could see Norm approaching, the big black sedan's sun roof already open.

"Mommy?"

I turned to see the tiny platypus-child perched on the ledge, looking at me with solemn indigo eyes.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"What's going to happen now?"

Even if I survived, my relationship with Heinz was almost certainly over. There was _no_ way he would ever forgive me for getting our unborn pup killed. "If I succeed... _maybe_ fate will forgive me and you and I will have another chance. If not... then I'll be with you soon, angel. Forever."

I hopped up onto the ledge, spread my wings, and launched myself into space.


	16. High in the Sky

For the first time in my life I felt no fear as I plummeted toward the sidewalk, my speed increasing with every second. The air ruffled my feathers and I clicked the dial upward to nine. The Angel-Inator's wings increased in size and strength, slowing my fall slightly. It was better than riding a hang glider, easier to control and much, much more maneuverable. As I descended I banked and spiraled around the D.E.I. building, getting a close-up view of the damage it had sustained.

Two rocket-propelled grenades had hit the northeast corner of the structure, blowing out huge holes in the walls and shattering several major support columns – not to mention probably killing whomever had been within the blast radius. A third RPG had hit the top floor of the building, blasting Heinz's lab wide open.

Had it hit the opposite corner it would have killed everyone in the apartment. That told me Cardones had done his research, and had likely known all along where Peter had been staying. It was probably why Norm and Gladys had been able to get them out.

I left that line of speculation for later. Norm was coming down the avenue and I needed to match speeds with him. After two more turns around the skyscraper I leveled and descended.

The cell phone rang. It was the number assigned to my car's comm system, which meant Norm was calling. I slid it open to answer.

"Hello, Terry! I'm here for the pickup! Dr. Doofenshmirtz is on his way with Peter, they told me they're bringing you some weapons. Is that the boss's Angel-Inator?"

"Yes, and it's working great. Are you ready for the drop-off?"

"Sunroof open, matching velocities. You wanted me to get your motorcycle?"

"Yes, it's a waste to let it be destroyed when the building comes down. Thanks Norm."

I lined up with Norm and dropped the lock-box. It grazed the rim of the opening but landed in the passenger seat without any real damage. The sunroof closed and I began my ascent.

The sun was low in the sky, and the weather had turned over the course of the day. There wasn't enough warmth to generate thermal currents so I clicked the Angel-Inator's dial once more. At ten a new rush of euphoria hit, and I beat my way upwards between the city's towers with ease.

I was a quarter mile behind Cardones's blimp when I caught sight of Heinz's big jet skiff coming at the blimp from an acute angle, gaining altitude while still staying out of the blimp's direct line of sight. I dove, flying under the skiff then over, doing two rings around it to slow my speed before landing hard on the center of the deck.

Heinz barely spared me a glance over his shoulder. It hurt, but I couldn't really blame him for not wanting to talk to me.

It was Peter who came up to me, Agent Pinky at his side, as I clicked the Angel-Inator back down to the off position. The wings furled and retracted smoothly.

He was carrying two large-caliber handguns and offered them with an ursine snarl. "Locked, loaded, racked, safety's on. High-powered armor piercers. Fifteen in each clip, one in each pipe. We're ready to dock under the blimp if you can pop their gasbag."

I slipped a gun under each side of the Angel-Inator's waist strap. "With pleasure." I bit my lip and glanced at Heinz. He was concentrated on gaining on the blimp, but I dropped my voice anyway. "Is... does he hate me?"

He tugged uncertainly at his Mariners jacket. "I don't know. He hasn't spoken to _anyone_ since we saw that video." Peter suddenly threw his arms around my ribs and hugged me tightly. "I'm so sorry, Terry!" he sobbed. "I shouldn't have come here! He followed me!"

Pinky whimpered and wagged her tail, trembling as always. I gave her a look of gratitude and respect. She was the only other creature who had been of any use during the course of this disastrous mission. I then turned back to the boy.

Whatever misgivings I had had about Peter had disappeared already. I hugged him back and stroked his hair. "It's not your fault, Peter... you know as well as I do that Cardones would have come here anyway. The Tri-State Area was too easy a target for someone like him to not want to try and take it over."

Peter looked up at me with sad brown eyes. Knowing the true purpose Peter had been transformed for, and having seen Cardones face to face, I could now pick up points of resemblance in the shape of their eyes and the texture of their hair - but where the man's eyes were cold and cruel with a touch of jaundice, the boy's were soft, kind and clear, the dark circles emphasizing the whiteness of the sclera.

He wiped those eyes angrily. "Be careful when you go in, Terry. The blimp is really flammable. It's full of hydrogen gas, and the frame is high-magnesium alloy."

"You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me." As if I didn't risk enough just by using the Angel-Inator... "Why didn't the asswipe pick one made of Explodium while he was at it?"

Peter straightened up and reset his hat on his head, becoming the Seattle Division Agent P I had met before. "We think it was on purpose. It's too risky to shoot him down over populated areas. You're going to have to cut the bag. Do you need a blade?"

"I have a knife. What's the plan?"

"We'll dock at the same time you pop the bag. The skiff will keep the blimp from spiraling around in a balloon fart. Too dangerous to risk with that overload."

"I'd enjoy that, but I see your point. Just don't expect me to hand Cardones to the Agency either alive or in one piece if I'm the one that gets to him first... and where the hell is the backup I asked for when I left for Lake Nose?"

"I have no idea, but don't kill Cardones. Dr. D. will want a few words with him... and so do I." Agent Pinky growled in agreement.

I had to remind myself once again that this was not really a human boy but a trained Agent with an agenda of his own. At least we were all on the same page.

"I'll keep that in mind." I looked toward the blimp again. We were almost under it by now. I turned the Angel-Inator's dial up past the original maximum, to the first of the marks I had added. It clicked easily. The wings didn't increase past their maximum size when they unfurled but they changed color – from creamy white to blood red. The euphoria struck again, and I felt feverish with blood lust. "Let's rock."

I launched myself off the skiff and flew upward, circling the blimp to locate the best spot for a perforation. The jet skiff would be almost in place by the time I chose a spot.

I went with the prudent choice and landed on the very top of the blimp's gasbag. Taking the knife I had brought from DEI I took a deep breath and held it as I stabbed into the coated canvas and sliced a hole big enough for me to drop into. The hydrogen quickly dissipated into the atmosphere while I slashed the bottom of the bag. I felt more than heard the jet skiff's docking clamps latch onto the bottom of the blimp as I opened the access hatch to the main cabin and started breathing normally once more.

I caught them by surprise, opening fire on full automatic as I dropped in. I saw four men go down either dead or wounded as my bullets punched through the Inators that might as well have not been there. I stopped shooting before my clips were completely empty. There was no sense in wasting any more bullets on mostly-dead mooks.

The man that had set up the camera was one of the survivors. He had been lucky, with only one bullet grazing his thigh. He shrank away in obvious terror when he saw me, but I had bigger fish to fry.

"I suggest you grab a parachute and get the hell out. Be nice and take any of your friends that can manage chutes along with you."

He almost wept in gratitude and set about saving himself and another man. I turned to the flight deck. The door was locked, but kicking it in presented no problem, once my wings were furled again.

A bullet whizzed by my head. I stepped back behind the bulkhead, taking care to stay close to the floor. After a moment I turned back to the doorway and emptied one clip into the control room, then pulled back again.

Cardones yelled something in Spanish, making me smile. His tone told me this time it wasn't pretentious, it was an angry man swearing in his mother's tongue.

Being in a human body and having a voice, I couldn't resist the chance at a quip. "You kiss your momma with that mouth, Azrael?"

"How the fuck did you get here, you warmongering bitch? You should be dead!"

"Great! No more gratuitous Spanish! Are you going to do the smart thing and surrender or will you take a dose of your own medicine?"

"Fuck you!" Four more bullets came punching through the bulkheads, all of them too high to endanger me from my spot on the floor. A close look at the holes told me they were small caliber, not very deadly as bullets go - but still capable of causing tremendous damage if aimed right.

I took the risk and stood, using one perforation as a peephole. Smoke was coming up from the section of the control panel that managed the engines. Cardones was busy fumbling with bullets for a small revolver. I took the advantage, stepped in and squeezed the trigger, the certainty of killing him filling me with unholy glee.

My gun jammed.


	17. Showdown

What saved my life was Cardones' inexperience with revolvers. Had he been using a semi-auto like mine I would have been done for.

Instead he was trying to reload an unfamiliar weapon. It gave me the second I needed to kick the revolver out of his hand and pistol-whip him a couple of times before he recovered enough to jump to his feet and face me on equal footing.

I tossed my own gun aside and went for him. He was good enough to block a few punches, and land a blow or three of his own. My martial arts training had concentrated on judo and aikido, but Cardones' fighting skills had been learned the hard way – on the streets of East Los Angeles.

We circled one another, each looking for an opening to strike. He threw the first punch, I blocked and landed a solid blow on his chest. He returned the favor on my cheekbone and missed a swing at my head. It was followed quickly by a sweeping kick that knocked me off my feet, but I rolled and got back up right away. He sent another kick toward my head, I ducked and punched him in the ribs.

Circling, circling, we danced the dance of Death. We both knew only one of us would make it off of that airship alive.

We exchanged several more blows before a scratchy tenor voice made us both look up in surprise.

"Look at this mess! Just _look_ at it! Half the Inators here are _ruined_! There are sprockets everywhere! And who thought it was a good idea to take potshots at the control panels? How am I supposed to steer this piece of junk now?"

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz stood there, looking like he did the day I was first assigned to be his nemesis. His mantis-like posture disguised his true height, his messy brown hair stood up in spikes, and his eyed darted here and there... but something was different and I couldn't quite put my now-lost beak on it.

"I mean, seriously? I was ready to take over the ENTIRE TRI-STARE AREA! And some amateur comes in and _spoils_ everything!"

Cardones dove and recovered his revolver. I cursed both him and Doofenshmirtz mentally. The gun rose and aimed at Heinz – and a small figure in a fedora and a Mariners jacket stepped in front of the barrel.

"Are you sure you wanna fire that thing, Azrael?" Peter's tone was slightly amused, but he was dark-eyed and unsmiling.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Agent Pinky jingling some bullets in her paw. She signaled there were still two bullets in the revolver.

Two shots.

I lunged and the gun swung toward me. Cardones managed to get a shot off before Peter brought down on his wrist a wrench he had held concealed in his jacket sleeve. I staggered back as fire blossomed halfway down my ribcage. It was nowhere near as painful as the forced abortion Cardones had inflicted on me, so I ignored it.

Cardones yelped but didn't drop the gun. The man backhanded Peter and sent him sprawling at the base of an Inator and raised it to point at Heinz again. "You have to be one of those people that are too stupid to live, or you wouldn't be here."

Doofenshmirtz was flipping a quarter-sized sprocket over the back of his fingers, and his eyes were cold. His tone was quieter as he replied "Maybe... but you're the one who's made the mistakes here."

That's when I realized what the difference was.

Heinz was _furious_, but keeping a tight rein on himself. I knew him better than anyone, even his ex-wife, and I was certain _she_ had never seen him like this. That icy self-control was downright terrifying.

I was beyond glad that his anger wasn't aimed at _me_... yet.

"Pah!" Cardones sneered. "I still have a gun. You're unarmed."

"Oh, _please_. You don't really think you'd be the first armed man I've killed?"

_That_ got my attention. Heinz? Kill someone? _My_ Heinz? He was just about the last person I could envision deliberately killing someone.

A flash of silver streaked across the cabin and Cardones shrieked in agony, his hands flying to his face as the revolver clattered on the deck. "GYAAAAAHHHH! MY EYE! MY EYE!"

Heinz snarled "Mistake number three: underestimating me." He suddenly straightened up to his full height and strode over to the man that tried vainly to stop the blood and fluids flowing from the destroyed eyeball. Grabbing Cardones by the throat, he slammed him back against the nearest window brace. "If anyone's going to take over the Tri-State Area, it's going to be _me_. _Do you fucking understand?_"

Cardones cried out in pain as Heinz pulled him forward and slammed him back harder than before. "Mistake number two?" His tone was even colder. "Attacking me while my kids were around. That makes Daddy _very_ angry." He slammed Cardones back twice more before putting his face next to Cardones' ear and growling venomously. "Mistake number one: using that wire hanger. That child was _wanted_. That child was _loved_." Cardones' face went ashen under the hand covering his eye socket as Heinz hissed, "_That. Child. Was. **Mine**_."

I heard Pinky gasp. You'd think she would have figured it out already.

Cardones broke away and yanked the blimp's stability controls violently, tilting the whole thing almost forty degrees to port. The jet skiff's turbines roared as the autopilot tried to correct the yaw, but it couldn't do it in time to prevent the Inator in the cabin from sliding toward and crashing through the window – snagging Peter's jacket and taking him with it.

Heinz cried out "Peter!"

Cardones screamed "NO! That's my liver!"

I didn't say a thing, didn't even think; I simply jumped out after him.

As I fell I heard Cardones screaming – but my attention was on the boy and the Inator that had dragged him out of the blimp.

True to his Agent's training, Peter had untangled himself and managed to straddle the Inator. I could see now it was the heat ray Heinz had never found a use for. He had pulled a small toolkit from his hat and after planting it back on his head was opening the control panel.

I changed my position from skydiving freefall to a full dive to reach him more quickly. Once I was close enough I yelled "Peter let it go! Come with me!"

He screamed back over the rushing air. "I have to blow it up! We're over a populated area!" He turned back to the open control panel and proceeded to reroute several cables.

I cursed inwardly, knowing he was right. "Hurry! We don't have much time before we hit!"

A spark flew and he cried "Ready! Get us out of here!"

I managed to close the distance between us, wrapped my arms around him and pushed off. "Hang on!"

I clicked the Angel-Inator back on at ten. My wings spread and I managed to steer us away from the tumbling death machine. It spun and sparked, the crakcling loud enough to hear over the whooshing air as we fell. I tried to increase the distance but ten wasn't enough. I clicked to eleven and the wings changed color again. It gave me some more power but I could hear the Inator behind me. Still too close.

I clicked up to twelve and a shudder of agony went through me. It was worse than any fever I had ever known – and now I knew how Heinz had felt when he'd tried it out. It burned, it consumed, it was killing me – but I couldn't drop the power until Peter was safe. I owed him and Heinz that much.

I banked and spiraled, using the angle of descent to get me as far from the Inator as possible. We were about three hundred yards away when it blew itself to pieces, shrapnel flying in all directions. Some shards of metal slashed into the back of my leg, but the wound was minor compared to what the Angel-Inator was doing.

It burned. It _burned_. My body felt like every cell was on fire.

I kept descending at as shallow an angle as possible, hoping to get low enough over Heinz's house on Maple Drive. "Peter," I called to him, "I'm flying home and dropping you in the pool!"

He screamed in fright and clung tighter. "NO! The pool's empty!"

"FUCK!"

Even with my hair whipping into my eyes I could see my intended target. I couldn't risk landing on the roof, the angle was wrong.

I wasn't going to make it.

I adjusted my flight path and yelled "Cover your head!" before I smashed through the tree.

It slowed us down... but not enough to prevent us from slamming into Candace's half-open bedroom window.


	18. Crash Landing

We hit the half-raised lower window sash with enough force to rip it out of its grooves in the frame. It fell on its corner, the tempered glass shattering.

I lost my grip on Peter as I landed on my shoulder, one wing of the Angel-Inator snapping at the elbow joint; the other had already been torn almost completely from its socket as we went through the tree. I cried out as the carpet abraded my skin, my momentum carrying me all the way to the opposite wall next to the door. Peter took less damage but he was also hurt. I could hear him whimpering even over my own groaning.

The loudest sound, however, was Candace's screaming.

**"MOOOOOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! _MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"_** She was standing on the bed, gripping her old Ducky Momo plushy to her chest, her cobalt eyes wide.

I could hear several people running up the stairs, I knew I had to get both Peter and myself out of there... but I couldn't move.

Lawrence and Linda stumbled in and started asking questions I could barely hear. Phineas and Ferb were close behind, either also asking questions, or commenting on the effects of our crash landing.

A teal blob padded into the room. It was me, or what had been me. Perry sniffed and growled at Peter, who was apparently trying to explain who we were and what had happened. I knew I should try and shut him up, but it was physically impossible.

After being tranquilized, half-eviscerated with a wire hanger, almost killing myself to get up and go after my unborn child's murderer, artificially accelerating my metabolism, going through a shootout and fistfight with said ruthless murderer, taking a bullet in the ribs, burning my last reserves to save Peter from the fall and exploding death ray, and smashing though a tree and a window, I had nothing left.

At least I had managed to come home to die.

Lawrence and Phineas bent over me. Phineas' cobalt eyes were curious as I looked into them. I couldn't help whispering "Oh, Phin, I've missed you..."

It came out as a chitter and the red-headed boy's eyes widened. "Perry?"

He reached out to me but Lawrence pulled him back. "No, son, that's not a good idea."

"But Dad! This is Perry!"

"Phineas, Perry is right here, see?" He pointed to the platypus that had come up to me and raised a curious paw.

Perry touched me – and we both felt a surge of static electricity zap through us.

The Angel-Inator crackled and let out a poof of smoke, fried out at last. Perry emitted a shriek. I cried out in relief as the burning sensation disappeared... and again in new-found hope as I felt something move inside me.

Peter crawled over to me. "Terry? Are you hurt real bad?"

"She moved..." I closed my eyes and pressed my hand to my belly, praying it hadn't been my imagination.

The boy Agent's eyes went wide. "What?"

I felt the gentle flutter deep inside me again, and tears came as relief and joy surged in me. "Baby... _moved_."

Linda's voice rose to its highest frequency "You're _pregnant_? Lawrence! Call 911! _NOW!_" She knelt next to me and took my hand. "Don't worry, honey, help is coming soon."

I whimpered and gave her hand a weak squeeze, wishing I could call her "Mom" openly. She had been the only mother I had ever known, and I suddenly realized how much I had missed my human family.

The ambulance arrived quickly enough, but by then I couldn't keep my eyes open any more. As I felt them raise me onto the gurney I made a mental bet that I would come back to consciousness in Heinz's bed again.

* * *

_The water was murky and cold. I navigated my way around obstacles using my electrolocation sense, feeling the tiny fluctuations in current tickle my bill. I knew I was looking for something – but what was it? _

_A light shone into the water from the surface and I chased the beam to its origin. Crawling out of the water only made me feel colder and I shook my coat to dry off. Everything was a blur to my eyes so I followed the light and warmth to its source._

_The rough shore transitioned to grass and then a smooth rock-like surface. The brightness dimmed slowly and as the glare receded my vision cleared. I was in some sort of veterinary hospital, the walls lined with cages stacked three high. Some contained animals; in others there were other creatures, including some human babies. To look into all the cages I stood on my hind legs with an effort, using my tail as a counterweight to keep me upright. _

"_That's rather unnatural, you know."_

_I turned slowly to find the source of the voice. It was a middle-aged man with foppishly styled blond hair and mustache, wearing a military uniform. His eyebrows met in the middle, making it look like he had only one. _

_I chitter-growled at him. The one-eyebrowed man smiled genially, making him look even less trustworthy. "Well, you're here because you have A Life-Defining Choice to make." He was one of those annoying people that could capitalize words as he spoke. _

"_You've lost something. Someone, actually. You have to find them again." He waved me toward the cages. "If you succeed, you can take them back with you. If you fail, well, they have to stay here for eternity." _

_I chittered and turned to the cages. I had no idea who or what I was supposed to be looking for. I passed a beagle pup, a kitten, a pair of twin baby boys, Jerry the Platypus, an iguana hatchling, Lucy the Lemur, a school of salmon fingerlings, and stopped at the last cage. There was an adorable little girl with Heinz Doofenshmirtz's coloring and a miniature version of his beaky nose. _

_Seeing her brought everything back in a rush, and I remembered who I was – and who I had once been. I also understood why I was there. I had to find my child and take her back._

_I was about to open the little girl's cage when something made me pause. I had only seen my daughter as a tiny brown platypus-child. I closed my eyes to remember how she had looked. I opened them again and looked into the little girl's eyes._

_It wasn't her._

_I stepped back, wondering where my pup could be. She had been sweet, encouraging, and full of love and longing for her father._

_Her father... Heinz would be so happy to see her again._

_To see her _again_?_

**I've met Daddy before.**

_Had I met her, too, and not recognized her?_

**He never loved any of my brothers the way he loved me...**

_There had been more than just my pup... but only she had touched Heinz's heart._

**He always said I was special because I was the first one.**

_The _first_ one... out of dozens._

**I didn't come out right, I think.**

_I stepped over to a previous cage. One that held a deformed platypus. A defective clone. _

My_ clone._

_Jerry the Platypus looked sadly at me from his cage._

**I just... hung around his lab after I died.**

_And _I_ had been the one to kill him... to kill _her,_ that last time_

_The unibrowed man said "I thought you hated that ugly thing."_

_I opened the latch and pulled the drooling, odd-eyed creature out. _

"_Are you sure about this? There's no changing your mind."_

_Jerry whimpered and hid his face in my shoulder._

"_Is that your final answer?"_

_My only reply was to pull Jerry closer to me and growl at the man. _

"_All right then."_

_The man, the cages and the entire room disappeared. All that was left was the two of us. _

_I willed myself to change my form and become Terry Fletcher again. I knelt and picked Jerry up._

_He looked up from my arms, blinked, and after a moment smiled and hugged me tightly, crying out "Mommy!"_

"_Oh, sweetie... I'm so sorry I hurt you... do you forgive me?"_

_When we finally broke our embrace I had grown scarlet wings, and she was my indigo-eyed brown pup once more. _

_I wrapped my wings around us as I held her close to my heart and covered her with kisses, promising us both I would never let her go again._

* * *

I lost my mental bet on waking in Heinz's bed again. When I woke it took me a few moments to realize I was in a private hospital room. From the light coming in through the window it was about midday.

I knew I had had some sort of important dream, but couldn't really remember what it had been.

I took mental and visual stock of my physical situation. I felt weak as a hatchling, there were tubes in my arm and up my nose, I had lost about twenty pounds, the bullet in my ribs had obviously been removed, I had been bandaged everywhere my skin had been scraped off by tree bark and Candace's carpet, there was a new soreness below my navel... and my pup wasn't moving inside me.

Something was wrong.

"Perry?"

Phineas and Ferb were peeking in through the door.

"Phineas... Ferb..." I wanted to hug them so badly it hurt.

"It IS you!" The two boys' eyes shone, and they pressed close. "What happened? How come there's two of you? Are you still a secret agent?"

That last got me. "How long have you known?"

It was Ferb who spoke up. "We figured it out after that time in the secret lair under the house. Everything was proportioned for children... or for a platypus."

"I see... I... I'm glad. No more secrets, no more lies. It's hard living a double life. I'm sorry guys."

"It's okay. Explaining stuff to Mom and Dad won't be too hard, though. Apparently Dad once fell into your secret hideout, too, but he only remembered it last night." Phineas gave me a dazzling smile. "And when you get out you can come home with us!"

"Oh, Phin, I don't – "

My refusal was cut off by a knock on the door. A tall, dark-haired woman in scrubs and a lab coat stepped in. I recognized her as another member of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N., Dr. Anastasia Dubcek. She shooed the boys out and proceeded to examine me.

Her Ukrainian accent was atrocious and her bedside manner had all the warmth of a vanilla milkshake. "Well... I think you is good enough, you is going home in the evening."

"What about my baby? I felt her move just before the ambulance came."

Her eyes softened. "I have to take baby out, and much surgery is necessary. You are not having any more baby. I am sorry."

All I could manage to say was "Oh..." as the bottom dropped out of my world.

My child was gone. I had failed her. I had failed Heinz. I had _failed_.

I wanted to die.

A nurse stepped in carrying a small bundle. Dr. Dubcek's coldness suddenly vanished and she beamed.

Her following words were the last thing I ever expected to hear.

"You want see her now?"


	19. A Little Miracle

My head swam. It wasn't possible. It shouldn't – it _couldn't_ be possible. What was inside the bundle should be limp and cold.

And yet it moved.

Dr. Dubcek smiled at my hesitation. "You are first time mother, I see. No worries, you will do fine. I am surprised at how very small baby is, but she pass Apgar evaluation with top scores." She handed me the tiny package. I took it with trembling hands and laid it on my curled-up legs to keep it steady.

I opened the little bundle and examined my daughter. She couldn't weigh more than three pounds but even I could see she was fully formed and healthy. Her facial features were all mine, from what I could tell, but she had her father's milky skin, cocoa-brown hair that tended to spike up, and his indigo eyes. She was one of those children who have naturally red lips as if she'd been sucking on an overly ripe cherry. I checked her all over, counting eight little fingers and eight tiny toes, marveling at how minute yet perfect she was.

Whether through Cardones' carelessness, or maybe just some cosmic fluke, the forces of the Universe had taken pity on me. Whatever had happened, my pup was alive and whole in my arms.

I managed to tear my gaze away from my baby and listened closely to Dr. Dubcek's instructions on caring for her. It was all rather simple, until she got to the part about feeding her.

"I have to what...?" I couldn't wrap my head around what she had just told me.

"Nurse her. You have breasts, do you not?"

"But, but, but, but... I... ah..." I was at a complete loss. "How?"

"Oh, yes, you are _certainly_ first time mother!" she laughed. "Here, let me show."

Dr. Dubcek settled the baby in my arms and turned her head to my exposed nipple. I felt the most amazing sensation as my little one latched on and began to feed. I held her to my chest and watched her with a sense of absolute wonder.

My heart felt like it was going to explode.

Dr. Dubcek's next words snapped me out of my reverie. "Child... Dr. Doofenshmirtz is the father, yes? And you were his nemesis the platypus?"

"Yes..." I eyed her suspiciously. If she had a beef with Heinz she could forget about using our daughter as a pawn in their evil games. I would kill her first. Slowly and painfully.

"I think you not go home yet. Word on street is Agency is cracking down on agents who are too close to nemeses. Is safer for you and little one here."

I looked her in the eye. "It's going to take more than a rumor to convince me."

Dr. Dubcek sighed and looked away a moment. Was she blushing?

When she looked back, her jaw was set. "What I tell you does not leave room. Agent T defect last year. Has been with me since."

"You've been hiding Tony?"

"Yes... Agency would not let him retire. They suspect he not see me as nemesis any more so try to kill him. I find him only mostly dead, hide and heal him." She changed the subject without warning. "Is true boy with you was panda from Seattle?"

My eyes narrowed. "Why do you ask?"

She blushed again, making her seem girlish in spite of being close to forty. "Was hoping you know how it was done with you two. Would be way for Tony to stop hiding..."

"I see..." Emotional entanglements had _definitely_ become a problem for OWCA. While it wasn't my job to make or enforce Agency statues – I was certainly the last person who could be expected to, now – it was concerning. Not every evildoer was as nice as Heinz Doofenshmirtz or Anastasia Dubcek, and an enamored Agent was a liability.

I decided to answer her truthfully. "I really don't know. I'm not a converted animal like Peter is, this body is a purpose-built chassis. I'll try to find out, though."

As soon as Dr. Dubcek left Phineas and Ferb came in again, followed by Candace and their parents. After much cooing and admiration of my still-unnamed daughter, I went ahead and told my family a carefully edited version of the truth about how I had come to be in this body. It helped that Lawrence had recovered his memory of falling into my base and seeing me take an assignment the day of the Father-Daughter Competition. I asked for and got forgiveness for letting Major Monogram and Carl mess with his head.

Linda, however, was _very_ unhappy with me. I got a fifteen-minute lecture on the dangers I had exposed myself to, the potential danger to the family, the bad example I was setting for the boys, my responsibility toward the baby, and to top it off Candace was smirking in the background in delight at seeing someone _finally_ get busted.

I finally reached the point where I couldn't take it any more.

"Mom! Enough! I get it!"

Everybody stared at me.

"Oh... did I... say that... out loud?"

Linda's face contorted with emotions I wasn't sure I could recognize. It can't be easy to find out your seemingly mindless pet has been lying to you for almost seven years about his intelligence, his activities, being turned into a girl... and getting knocked up on the first date. I still hadn't gotten around to explaining _that _part_._

As it turned out, I didn't have to.

Lawrence spoke up, his soft voice full of warm amusement. "Linda, darling... I know we weren't expecting it this soon, but I do believe we're grandparents of a lovely little girl."

Linda's eyes went wide. "I... I'm a grandma?" Her lips curved upward and her chin wobbled.

It was Ferb who answered her. "I guess that makes us Aunt Candace, Uncle Phineas and Uncle Ferb."

Candace squealed, Linda's eyes filled with tears, the boys were grinning and Lawrence asked "Have you decided on a name for her yet, Terry?"

I felt my face fall and I looked at my daughter, who had fallen asleep in my arms. "Not yet... I'm waiting for her father to come." I couldn't bring myself to add that it would be if he was still alive. Even wounded Cardones was an extremely dangerous man.

It was Candace – of all people – who saved me. "Mom! We gotta go shopping for baby stuff! C'mon!" She grabbed Linda's wrist and pulled her along. Lawrence and the boys took their leave and followed.

I settled my baby onto the bed and curled myself around her, my back to the door. I watched her tiny eyelids flutter and wondered what she was dreaming of.

I was almost asleep when I sensed more than saw a hand reaching over me from behind. I instinctively grabbed the arm attached to it and launched my attacker over the bed and against the far wall. He landed with his head and shoulders on the floor, with the other half of his torso, legs and feet in the air.

He groaned and righted himself. "You're awake."

That was when I realized my supposed attacker was Heinz.

He looked like something Agent C had dragged in. His hair was even more of a mess than usual, there was a gauze patch on his cheek, his lab coat was torn and stained with what looked and smelled like magnesium smoke, motor oil and blood, he had obviously been soaked through and looked like he was still damp, and he had an elastic brace on his left wrist. Worst of all, his eyes were dark with emotions I couldn't decipher.

Somehow he had managed to retain his grip on a small black cube.

"Heinz... what happened?"

"The blimp caught fire. I had to crash-land the jet skiff in the M.O.A.T. to keep it contained."

"Are you all right?"

He shrugged. "I'll live. Which is more than I can say about a certain mutual acquaintance."

He picked up a remote control and clicked the TV on. KTSA News was on, playing footage of a body being pulled from the burning wreckage. _" – and what was confirmed to be a human liver was also found on the scene. The medical examiner has declined to comment but information has been leaked that the man is the notorious criminal Alberto 'Azrael' Cardones, and that the liver is in fact his. If so, the question remains of who it was that removed Cardones' liver from his body through his nostrils using the scorpion-like machine found attached to his face."_

The reporter sounded utterly bored by the whole thing. I recognized her as a transplantee from New York who had been demoted to the news boonies because she wasn't attractive enough – or willing to prostitute herself to the network's executives – to get an anchor spot on even the eleven o'clock newscasts. She went on with her report but I no longer cared. Cardones was dead. My loved ones were safe from him at last.

Heinz smiled bitterly. "Did you know a person can be dead and still go on screaming?"

I felt some small satisfaction, but the victory was hollow. We had done what was necessary, and the message had been sent. Do Not Mess With Danville.

He changed the channel to another news cast that was covering the destruction of the D.E.I. building. After the Danville P.D. Explosives Unit had inspected the building and found a dozen explosive devices in just the first three floors, the Fire Department had cordoned the area off and they were about to detonate them. We watched in silence as the windows on the upper floors shattered and blew outward, followed by several more blasts. The explosions had no obvious pattern but their effect was unmistakable. The forty-five-story tower crumbled and collapsed in on itself in a cloud of flames, dust and debris, taking with it one more reminder of my former life.

"I'm so sorry, Heinz."

Whatever he was going to say was interrupted by a little whimper that soon became a cry. Our daughter was hungry. I said "It's okay, sweetheart, Mommy's right here," and I put her to my breast instinctively. It took me a moment to remember Heinz was there... and I hadn't got around to telling him about the baby.

When I looked up his hand was clamped over his mouth and his eyes were wide. I couldn't help smiling as I gloated. "Cardones failed. That sick bastard _failed... _and we have a little girl."

Heinz came closer. I scooted over to make room for him on the bed, managing to keep the baby stable as she sucked away. He sat next to me, one arm around my shoulders, the other hand tenderly stroking our daughter's head. "But... how?"

"I haven't a clue," I admitted, "but she's ours, and she's here. That's all that really matters right now."

He passed the small black cube from the hand behind me to the other one and opened it to show me the contents as he said four words. It took me a moment to absorb them and their implications.

"You're serious."

"Yes."

"That... that would be the end of my career!"

"Your _career_?" He became visibly angry. "What about _her_? What's going to happen to this baby if you get yourself killed in action? Anastasia told me how badly injured you were." He listed every injury I had been aware of and a few more I hadn't noticed. "What am I going to tell our daughter when she asks me why you're not coming home? And what's her name anyway?"

"I was waiting for you... oh, Heinz..." I lay my head on his shoulder.

The baby chose that moment to spit out my nipple and gurgle for the other breast. As I shifted her over Heinz murmured "Cherry-pink lips... beautiful like her mother..."

That was what gave me the idea. "Cherry... Cherry Linda... do you like it?"

"Yes... so what do you say, _Geliebte_? Will you? The courthouse opens at eight tomorrow. Judge Weston said she'd gladly speed the process up for us."

I glared at him "You're not above using personal connections for gain, are you..."

"It's the way the world works. You won't get a thing if you don't pull that string," he sang. I couldn't help chuckling at that.

"_Geliebte_..."

"What does that word even mean?"

He smiled softly, his indigo eyes so full of love I could have drowned in them. "It means beloved. I'll ask again." He repeated his earlier words. Four words that changed everything.

I made my choice, nestled my head on his shoulder and purred. "Yes... yes, I will."

Heinz suddenly shifted and asked in a worried tone. "Hey... where's Peter?"


	20. Growth and Returns

"_... where's Peter?"_

The words were barely out of Heinz's mouth when I hit the call button for the nurse on duty.

I couldn't believe I'd forgotten to inquire about Peter. True, my new daughter had pretty much kicked any other ideas out of my head, but I hadn't jumped out of a blimp at 10,000 feet just for the fun of it.

I had elected to take responsibility for the boy just as much as Heinz had, and I now felt like I had neglected my duty. I said as much, but he shook his head.

"No... I don't blame you for not asking for him. I was assuming he'd be OK, but where is he?"

The nurse was quick enough to arrive but every second felt like hours. As soon as she stepped in I blurted out "Where's our boy?"

She raised an eyebrow and asked "Aren't you a little young to be his mother?"

Heinz cut me off before I started cursing her out. "Peter is our foster child. Where is he?"

That was enough to satisfy her. "He's in the pediatric ward, under a mild sedative. He suffered several nasty abrasions and a cracked clavicle, but he'll be fine."

It wasn't enough to make me feel better. "What are the chances of him being put in here with me?"

Heinz raised an eyebrow but said nothing. The nurse opened her mouth, perhaps to object but the look on my face must have told her I meant business. She pursed her lips a moment then said "I'll talk to Dr. Dubcek."

Once she was gone Heinz took a good look at me. "You're serious about keeping him here?"

I glared at him. "I didn't throw myself out of that damned blimp just for the thrill of it, Doofenshmirtz! Ever heard of 'Chinese obligation'?"

"Ah... that depends on your definition of it?"

"It means I _voluntarily assumed responsibility_ for a panda cub turned twelve-year-old boy. As did you, if you really have been fostering Peter. I don't know about _you_, but _I'm_ not going to shirk on a duty I signed up for."

"I never said you would... and yes, that's pretty much what I had in mind, too. I... ah... I can't believe I'm going to say this, but..."

Were his lips quivering?

"Say it, Heinz."

His eyes were dark. "Well... there's still time for you to... to back out."

It took me a moment to realize what he meant by "backing out".

"The hell...?"

"I know... I should have told you it's... well... any way you look at it, putting up with me is a package deal. You already knew about Vanessa, of course... plus, I told you Peter was staying with me, and I'm certainly not going to turn my back on the poor kid now, especially not after everything that's happened, – "

"Heinz..."

"... even less considering the way my so-called parents treated me... well, _you_ already know pretty much _all_ those back stories, except for what happened in Gimmelschtump this summer, so if you think this plan's really not going – "

"_Heinz..."_

"... to work out, I'd rather you tell me _right now_, just as long as we can come to an agreement about custody of our daughter now she's here, I don't want it to get ugly like when I got divorced, and boy was _that_ nasty! I tell you, Charlene's lawyers – "

"HEINZ!"

"What?"

I took a deep breath to keep myself from cursing him out. "_I'm not backing out_. I want this just as much as you do..." I looked down at Cherry, who was contentedly chewing on her fist, "and not just because of the baby." I looked at him again. "I love you. I really do. I don't know what happened between my first assignment and the last one that made me come to care for you as a friend. Time, and familiarity, I guess. But... it wasn't until you put me in this body that I really came to _want_ you. Maybe it's being a human female, maybe all I needed was the chance to be on equal footing with you; I don't know, and it doesn't really matter right now. I heard you out, I said _yes_, and _I meant what I said_. Besides," I smiled at him, "we work well together, so why not do it officially?"

The relief that flooded his face made me melt inside all over again. There had always been something compelling about those indigo eyes of his and the way he looked at me now made my heart flutter.

I decided to not mention that metaphorically spitting in Monogram's eye was one of the perks of the deal.

The nurse arrived followed by two orderlies bringing in a gurney with Peter on it. He looked pained and was obviously groggy but mostly aware of his surroundings.

"Oh...there y'are, Terry... wha's 'at?"

I motioned for the orderlies to push the gurney next to my own bed so he wouldn't have to move much. "There's someone waiting to meet you, Peter... this is Cherry."

The boy peered at the little bundle and smiled. "She's okay... I'm glad... Azrael's not gon' like it, is 'e."

Heinz and I exchanged a look of complicit agreement. Peter had no need to know what had happened in the blimp, and the less he knew, the better – at least for now.

Heinz nodded and said "No. No he's not. I'll be back soon, I'm going to call Vanessa and tell her where we are. Norm is also on his way." He ruffled Peter's hair and kissed my forehead. "Take care of my little strudel, you two."

"Nuh-uh..." Peter slurred as he dozed off again. "Not stru'el... too lil'... jus' a pop-tart." Both of us adults smiled at that.

Heinz took off to call Vanessa and get cleaned up, and I kept a tranquil watch over my children. I knew the following morning was going to be a busy one and I wanted all the rest my worn out body could get.

The other thing I wanted was food. I paged Dr. Dubcek and got her authorization to have stuff delivered, since the hospital regulations allowed it. I sent for Chinese food from my favorite place, enough to feed a medium-sized party crowd - or four teenage boys.

I ate my fill, nursed Cherry until she was satisfied, and started eating again. I was still eating when Peter woke up feeling hungry. There was more than enough left for him to fill up on. After he was satisfied he looked over the empty containers and counted the ones still unopened.

"You were that hungry?"

"I still am," I answered between mouthfuls of glorious pork fried rice. "That damned Angel-Inator burned so much off of me I have no reserves left, _and_ I'm nursing Cherry. I _need_ all this food."

"She seems to want some, too," was his less-mannerly reply as he chewed on an egg roll.

The chopsticks stopped halfway between the carton and my mouth. "What do you mean?"

"She's been watching those chopsticks like a hawk for a while."

I looked at where she lay next to me and waved my chopsticks around. Her indigo eyes tracked the brightly-colored food unerringly.

"Is that normal? I don't know much about babies..."

"I hate to admit it but neither do I... crap, I didn't even know I was carrying her. I have no idea of what 'normal' means when it comes to Cherry."

Peter leaned in closer and cooed "Hey, there, lil' Poptart... what'cha thinkin'?"

Cherry cooed and gave him a little smile. I picked up a rattle the hospital had provided with the newborn care kit all mothers received and she reached out for it.

She was waving it happily when Candace and Linda came back for the evening visiting hour. Linda took one look at the pile of empty containers and said "Are you sure that's going to be enough? When I was nursing I don't think I went half an hour without at least a snack, just to keep up with Candace and Phineas's demands."

"It will have to do for now..." I hesitated a moment then decided to make the necessary introductions. "Peter, these are Linda and Candace Flynn, they're – "

"We're her mother and sister, dear," Linda said, with a finality that made me want to cry. "Who is this charming young man, Pe- Terry?"

"This is my boyfriend's foster son, Peter Diaz-Moreau." The boy tried to get off the bed to greet them appropriately but the wince of pain from his damaged collarbone made my mother – I was so happy to be able to call her that openly! – rush over and start fussing over him. Peter lay back with a look of combined mortification and amusement, while Candace came over to the other side of the bed and showed me what they had picked up for my baby girl.

"We tried finding stuff that fit but she's just so small she'll probably be swimming in them. Isn't that right my widdle bundle of happy happy joy joy?" she cooed at her new "niece".

Cherry cooed and grabbed at her hair, pulling hard. "Ow... wow, she's got a really good grip for such a tiny baby... hey, that's not for eating!" Candace managed to get her copper-bright hair from the baby's grasp. "I didn't know newborns were that coordinated."

"Neither did I," was my answer, "but I was born a platypus, remember? Anyway, let's see if something fits her even halfway." We untangled Cherry from the swaddling blanket and changed her diaper before trying a tiny pink onesie.

It fit her perfectly.

"That's weird," Candace said, "I didn't think they'd fit so well. Look, Mom!" Cherry kicked and gurgled happily in her aunt's arms.

Mom came over and blinked in surprise. "Well... I thought she was too small for even newborn sizes, but I must have been mistaken." She leaned over – and Cherry grabbed one of her dangling smoky topaz earrings. "Ow! No, sweetie, that's grandma's earring, let go!" She pried the tiny hand away and stared in shock when the baby whimpered in obvious disappointment.

"Now, Cherry," I chided, "that's not yours."

Mom looked hard at Cherry and took off the earring the baby had grabbed so eagerly. She held it just out of Cherry's reach and passed it from side to side. Watching my daughter's eyes follow the bright jewel was fascinating. Even more surprising to her was when the little hand shot out trying to grab it.

"Oh, my goodness! I've never seen a newborn like this! She's as aware as a six-month-old!"

Candace asked, "Is that good or bad?"

It was Heinz who answered her as he came in. "That depends... I'd been wondering how she'd been born at all, never mind that she was fully formed. I know I didn't give you that much Insta-Heal on Friday after the... incident... at the Agency. Oh, hello, Candace."

"Hi Dr. D! So _you're_ Terry's mysterious boyfriend?"

I was in shock. "You... you two know each other?"

They both nodded and answered simultaneously, "Group therapy." Candace added, "Don't ask."

I'd hoped my mother wouldn't start grilling Heinz about his relationship with me, but it was a vain hope. She lit into him even more intensely than she had into me, and the lecture would probably have gone on for even longer if he hadn't cut her off short by showing her the contents of the small black cube he still carried. Her jaw dropped open again and it took her a moment to find her voice.

"When?"

Heinz snapped the cube shut and pocketed it, thwarting Candace and Peter who were craning their necks to get a look at the contents. "Tomorrow morning at the courthouse."

Mom was shocked. "But that's so _soon!_"

He sighed and admitted, "It's short notice, I know, but considering what's already happened, and what may still happen, we've decided it's the best course." He looked over to Candace and Peter who were obviously curious. "We'll leave the bread and circuses for later on."

By some unspoken agreement we adults left the children wondering. I started nursing Cherry again and she finished quickly. Her demands for nourishment were almost as draining as the Angel-Inator and as soon as she was done I asked for more food.

Heinz came over to take Cherry in his arms while I ate, and my mother told him what the baby had been doing. He took a good look and said "She does feel heavier, and she's... extremely aware. If I didn't know better I'd say she was exposed to a mass dose of Insta-Heal. It's part of what I used to grow Terry's human body to adulthood in such a short time."

My face must have told him something was up. "What is it, _Geliebte_?"

"I... after what Cardones did to me... I got loose and found some Insta-Heal in the bathroom cabinet."

"Well... that explains how you survived. Still, even one shot wouldn't have accelerated her growth, it would have been a stretch just to stop the bleeding."

"What if... I took more than one?"

His head snapped up from his contemplation of our daughter. "Exactly how many did you take?"

"Six."

"_Six?_"

I nodded. "Two right off, and the rest just before I took flight with the Angel-Inator."

"But you used the Angel-Inator, so that would still have burned off quickly, unless... oh good God. Were they the syringes with the red caps?"

"I think so..."

He held Cherry in one arm while making some calculations on the other hand, tapping each finger and his palm with his thumb, then flicking out the digit. Tap-tap-tap-tap-flick made five. I wondered what he was counting.

Heinz looked down at Cherry with infinite love and nuzzled her tenderly. When he looked back at me he was visibly worried.

"Terry... you have to stop feeding her."

My mother was shocked. "What?"

"The Insta-Heal in those syringes was super-concentrated. They were for near-death situations, and you're so loaded with the stuff it's coming out in your milk. You _have_ to stop nursing her or she'll keep growing at an accelerated rate."

"But how am I going to feed her if I'm not nursing?" I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place.

"You're going to have to use formula, dear," was my mother's reply.

The rest of the visiting hour passed fairly quickly. Dr. Dubcek came in as everyone was leaving and she shooed everyone out claiming doctor-patient confidentiality so she could check me once more.

I took advantage of the privacy and told her what Heinz had said about the Insta-Heal filtering through my milk. She examined Cherry and played with her a little to gauge her reactions.

After a while she asked, "You are not worried?"

"I... I don't know what to think. I have no knowledge of human babies. Not even of platypus babies." I brushed a lock of unruly brown hair out of my baby's eyes and she cooed happily. "All I know is she shouldn't be alive, but she is... and I'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe." I didn't add that it included killing anyone who even seemed a threat.

"Then do what you feel right." She smiled and added, "You still spend night here. Nurse as much as you want, tomorrow you decide."

After the others were allowed back in Heinz kissed us good night and went home to get some rest. Peter fell asleep and I spent the night taking naps and nursing Cherry as she needed feeding.

The following morning we were all discharged and headed for home. Vanessa let out an uncharacteristically girly squeal as she spied her new sister and took over her care while I went to shower and dress to get to the courthouse on time for our appointment.

After some more creative use of the reprogrammed Ballgown-inator I was ready in a smart new white suit with a blue blouse, my old wristwatch communicator in my pocket, and a necklace borrowed from Vanessa. Heinz was in a suit again and it took me quite an effort to not start drooling over him. Norm offered to drive us but we took a cab for anonymity's sake.

Judge Weston was waiting for us with all the paperwork already in hand. The whole thing was almost a blur as we signed the contract, with Mayor Doofenshmirtz and his secretary Melanie as witnesses. After Heinz and I sealed the deal with a kiss we left the courthouse and started looking for a cab.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a very large fellow in a trench coat and fedora trailing us. He didn't try to hide – at 6'7" or so it would have been difficult to be inconspicuous – but maintained a prudent distance. I carefully watched him a while, and once we caught each other's eye I knew I had nothing to fear. He touched the brim of his hat in acknowledgment and continued to trail us nonchalantly as we tried in vain to hail a cab back home.

After a quarter hour we still hadn't caught a cab, and the usually crowded street had slowly emptied. A large black sedan came down the street and Heinz said, "Oh, good, Norm came to get us!"

"Norm? But I didn't call – " My confusion tuned to alarm. "That's not Norm! It's – !"

A half-dozen OWCA Agents leaped out of the car onto us. I put up as much of a fight as I could but it was six to two odds and they soon pinned me face down on the sidewalk. I could see our watcher from the corner of my eye signaling from behind a column he would get help.

I hoped he could manage to get back to us in time. This kind of hit was what had happened to Tony when he tried to defect the year before.

Any confusion as to who had ordered the assault turned to shock when I heard Heinz cry out, "_Geliebte!_ What's going – _Perry the Platypus?_"


	21. Taken!

_**Author's note:**_

_**I must apologize for the long delay in updating. I had a dreadful case of creative block where this story was concerned. Not because I didn't know what was going to happen, but because I couldn't put my ideas into words for a while. **_

_**Worry not, dear readers, even if I am blocked again, I will continue on with my tale. You have my word that I will never, ever, leave a story unfinished.**_

* * *

Perry the Platypus was back, and knowing him as I knew myself, he was one _very_ unhappy Agent P.

I wracked my brain trying to figure out how he had recovered his memory, to no avail. I couldn't even ask Heinz what he thought, cuffed and gagged as we both were in that back seat, five agents sitting on us while Corton the Cougar drove and Perry rode shotgun.

I realized with a start the agents sitting on me had to be rookies. They hadn't patted me down right. I still had my bracelet, among other potential weapons. Biding my time was the best course now.

After what felt like half an hour the vehicle went down a noticeable incline and what little light there was came from artificial illumination. We had entered an access tunnel, but to which Agency base?

Once the sedan stopped we were pulled out roughly and half-shoved, half-dragged us toward a holding cell. The threw us in and slammed the door shut.

A quick look around told me there were no cameras; the wires for their installation were hanging out of holes in the ceiling. The air smelled of wet dirt, meaning the ventilation system was also still half-finished. My third status check was for Heinz.

"Are you OK, love?" I got onto my knees and wiggled my hands around. I managed to slip a finger under my wire-hanger bracelet and pulled.

"I'm fine... but how can Perry the Platypus be back? I mean, I _know_ what happened, I accidentally wiped his memory when I transferred your consciousness into that body, but we thought his mind was deleted! And now it turns out he's back! Or maybe he was never gone?"

I kept working as Heinz spoke and managed to get the bracelet open and off my wrist... only to drop it on the floor behind me. "Damn it... Heinz... do you think you can get that?"

He looked behind me and paled. "Is that...? _Mein Gott_, it is. How... how could you _keep _such a thing?"

"I took it when I thought Cardones had murdered Cherry. I planned to shove it up his nose into his brain. Afterward... I kept it as a reminder."

"A reminder of _what?_" His tone was somewhere between sickened and angry.

I decided that the truth was called for. "A reminder that even the best plan can fail... that a half-assed plan with no backup _will_ fail, that sooner or later I may be killed doing my job... and that my own death may be the least price I may have to pay." He had no reply to that, for which I was grateful "Now get that damn wire into my hand!" I snapped, adding "Please," to show I wasn't angry at him.

Heinz looked thoughtful for a while, then rolled onto his knees and picked the wire up with his teeth. A few shuffling movements later I felt his nose brush against my wrist and the spiraled end of the wire touched my palm.

Once he'd moved aside it was almost child's play to spring the catch on my handcuffs, and even easier to undo his. As soon as we were both free we exchanged a few quick kisses before getting up and examining our cell closely.

Love can be very distracting, sometimes.

After a several minutes I started growling in frustration. "Well, I can't see any way out except the ventilation system... unless you can bypass the electronic lock?"

"Maybe..." He pulled the panel off and fiddled with some wires for a few moments.

_***BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOTT!***_

Heinz picked himself up off the floor on the opposite side of the room, scorched and emitting smoke from several places. "Definitely the ventilation system..."

We managed to get into the ducts and I navigated by pure guesswork. After a few minutes of dead ends and shuffling in reverse to backtrack I reached a vent grate where I could see what was going on.

Seven feet below, Monogram was using a cattle prod on a panda. The fully-grown ursine should have been more than a match for the Major, but for some reason it was trying to get away. After a moment I could see why. The growling panda was protecting something behind it.

That something was a brown platypus pup that whimpered and skittered about, avoiding the panda's hind feet even as it hid behind them.

"Agent P!" Monogram shouted, "Get that pup into a cage already!"

Perry the Platypus ducked in behind the panda and managed to drag the platypus pup away from its unlikely protector. I heard Pinky the Chihuahua bark and growl at Perry but couldn't quite make out what she said over the panda's yelping and Monogram's curses.

For an instant the other voices lulled at the same time and I heard the pup's terrified wail. I knew that voice instantly and instinct took over.

The grate burst outward with a single kick and I launched myself at Monogram, tackling him to the floor. I punched him again and again until the pup wailed again from the cage. A red haze settled over my vision and I turned to the captor.

My former self settled his hat over his eyes and made the universal gesture for "bring it on". I drew myself to my full height and bared my teeth, setting my own hat back on my head. His eyes widened as he realized he was facing another Agent but he stood his ground.

We watched each other for a few moments before he launched himself at me. He was quick, and his being such a short opponent was giving me some trouble. I realized now why Heinz had always had such trouble facing me off as a platypus. Height really did make a difference.

I kept fending him off, moving away from the pup and the panda, and wondering whether Heinz was still in the ventilation duct or had backed up and taken a wrong turn again.

I didn't have much room for thought, Perry was on the offensive and I was busy blocking his every move. The double back-flip, avoided by simply skipping backwards. The tail-swat, which was easily ducked. The flying kick, blocked with a forearm. The machine-gun peck, stopped with alternating palm blocks. The leg-sweep, neutralized with my own back-flip. The arm twist, escaped by shaking his feet off of my back. The full nelson, which I escaped by slamming him into the wall.

Perry and I circled each other in a stalemate, neither able to get through the other's defenses. The confusion in his eyes at my skills and status didn't mask the determination to stop me. I was certain my own intentions were perfectly clear to his eyes as well.

I had an advantage, however. I was Perry – or had been, once. I knew his weaknesses as well as he did, if not better.

I pretended to lunge and Perry jumped at me. I dodged the kick and spun as he passed me, shooting a hand out to grab him by the scruff of the neck. He wiggled and kicked, to no avail.

"Quit fighting! You and I need to talk, Perry!"

He chittered something that had no translation into any human tongue. I replied with something equally unflattering and his eyes widened.

"Yes, I speak platypus. I used to be one... there's so much you need to know, about me, and about everything that's happened since you passed out at DEI all those weeks ago."

His gaze flickered to over my shoulder for a fraction of a second and I turned instinctively – but not in time to avoid taking a shock from the cattle prod to the trapezoid. The muscles at the back of my neck contracted violently and I yelped in pain as I dropped Perry and fell to my knees. I could barely see Monogram's stinking shoes though the tears that escaped me.

"I always knew you'd turn traitor, Fletcher." Perry started at the name but kept silent watch over me as the Major went on. "I should never have let you return to the Agency but we were so short-handed we couldn't really let you go. Now that Agent P is back with us, we have no more need of your services." He pressed the tip of the prod to my back and gave me another hit of electricity which was cut short with the sound of a solid punch hitting someone's face.

Monogram fell to the floor dazed and rubbing his jaw. I blinked, trying to get my bearings again and heard Heinz growl at my so-called boss.

"Francis... I'm going to make you regret you were born if you _ever_ touch my wife again."


	22. Half Identical Twins

**Author's note:**

**I love reviews. I really do, and critiques are always welcome as long as they lead to improvement of my craft.**

**I do _not_, however, take kindly to bitching, whining and threats. If you don't have the mental maturity to ask nicely when the next update is due, you obviously _don't_ have the mental maturity to be reading my work in general and_ this_ story in particular._ Especially_ from little wankers who leave anonymous reviews. You know who you are.**

**I will let it pass _once_. Any more crap and I will permanently switch my settings to signed reviews only. It will be nobody's fault but your own if I must resort to such measures.**

**To the other 90% of anonymous reviewers who are courteous and encouraging, I give my thanks. **

**And now, on with the show!**

* * *

The secret was out now.

I'd seen Monogram angry before, but never as satisfyingly as this. He turned a most unbecoming shade of purple as he got up, his wig riding too far back on his head and his false mustache askew.

"Wife? _Wife?_" he sputtered. "Inconceivable!"

"Really, Monobrow," I hissed, still aching from the shock he'd given me with the cattle prod, "what the _fuck_ else do you think we were doing at the courthouse this morning?" I held my hand up next to my face, palm in, so he could see the amethyst flanked by two diamond hearts that adorned my wedding ring finger.

The Major was not amused. "That's just a jeweled ring! And he's not wearing one!"

"Not on my _finger_..." Heinz pulled a golden chain out from under his shirt, a gold wedding band threaded onto it. "I can't risk it getting jammed in an engine when I'm working, you know. Good way to lose a digit."

Monogram was getting more agitated by the minute. "It still doesn't matter, she _can't_ get married, she belongs to the Agency!"

Heinz just smirked and said, "No she doesn't. I could say she belongs to _me_, but I'd probably get clobbered for it, and I don't believe in any of that male chauvinist crap anyway. Unlike _someone_ I'm looking at."

While they argued I crawled over to the cage and opened it. The pup whimpered, sniffed at me and crawled up onto my shoulder, trembling. The panda came over and nuzzled us, crooning an apology.

"It's all right, Peter," I told him, stroking his head. "It's not your fault. I'm glad you've been able to take care of Cherry at all under these circumstances."

Pinky patted my shoulder and growled at Perry, who wisely stayed back. I patted her head in gratitude, and managed to get back on my feet. I looked around and recognized my old base. That meant the holding cell we had been kept in had to be an extension under the neighbors' house.

I had turned my attention back to the others at just the right time, it seemed. Monogram was raging. "Inconceivable! The Agency bought and trained her, and any young produced by an Agent is automatically OWCA property!"

Pinky snarled angrily at the last comment, realizing what it meant for her. She was not only an Agent, but a show dog with an enviable pedigree and _not_ spayed.

I decided I had had enough of the bickering and stepped forward, holding Cherry the platypup to my shoulder. It was time to get down to business, chew some bubblegum, and kick Major Ass – in the gonads, if I got the chance.

"Monogram... you have ten seconds to explain how you turned my children into animals before I lobotomize you with _this_." I held up the piece of wire hanger and he paled.

Heinz's eyes lit up with the cold blue fire of rage I had seen in the airship. "You did _what?_"

Monogram scowled but decided it was safer to talk. "We have Diaz-Moreau's People-Matic. Some of our R&D specialists managed to put it back together with what was left of his notes in a broken laptop we found in the ruins of the house... Wait. _Your_ children?"

"I'll explain later. Peter, will the People-Matic work?"

Peter let out a sound that was between a growl and a bleat, nodding his head. He would know his former nemesis' work better than anyone so I felt confident it would work.

We headed to the lab where the People-Matic stood, making sure Monogram and Perry went in ahead of us. Pinky had definitely defected to our side and was sending someone a text message

Heinz and Peter took a look at the rig. Whatever it was they found made Peter gurgle loudly in annoyance. They opened an access panel and began a diagnostics checkup.

Perry was watching me like a vulture the entire time. I chittered a question at him and he reluctantly replied. After a few more chirps, grunts, chatters and growls I had pieced most of the puzzle together.

There was a gap of several weeks in Perry's memory, corresponding exactly to the dates between my falling asleep from the drugged cocoa and the moment Perry touched me and the static discharge that burned out the Angel-Inator.

We argued back and forth for several minutes, our mutual anger escalating. Perry refused to believe I spoke the truth and I finally lost my temper. "All right, you little wanker," I snarled, "let's get together and you'll see what I mean!"

My hand shot out and I scruffed Perry once more, using a vet's grip to carry him to the cabinet by the transport tube. I pulled out one of the electronic devices and pointed it at us. "If we can't do a Vulcan Mind-Meld, we'll have to settle for this." I hit the reverse switch and activated the molecular separator.

It was the worst mistake of my life so far.

I/He couldn't believe it. I/She had told the absolute truth. S/He _was_ me! I/We were the same person – yet weren't. Flashes of memories that weren't Mine/His sickened Me/Him. Waking in Doof's bed. _Kissing_ him. Hearing Doof greet Peter with warm surprise. More kisses up in the loft. The dart. The video camera. A sudden blazing agony I/He could not fully comprehend. A lost pup. I/She had a _pup_? With _Doof_? No! No! _No!_ I/We rocked from side to side, the mental agony of the fusion blocking out the horror of our merged bodies.

A soft whimper broke the stalemate and I/We looked over to the small brown pup.

_My_ pup.

I/She reached for the molecular separator and hit the switch, breaking our minds apart and leaving two human-platypus hybrids writhing on the floor. Perry lay gasping in shock, his humanoid body curled up in a fetal position. I turned and growled at Monogram who was still bitching at having to turn Cherry and Peter back into humans. I saw him pick up a wrench and raise it.

The only creature within reach was Cherry.

I launched myself at the Major and scratched at his eyes. He yelped and screamed for other Agents.

The first one through the door pulled me off of him and set me aside gently. When I saw who it was I smiled.

Monogram rubbed his face in pain. "Good work! We'll take care of these traitors right now Agent..." He looked up and gasped. "Agent T?"

Tony the Tiger growled humorlessly and grabbed Monogram by the throat with one hand, tapping my workstation's keyboard with the other one. Admiral Wanda Acronym appeared on the screen, Carl at her side.

"Francis, what in blazes is going on?"

Tony let go just enough to allow Monogram to speak – well, shriek. "Mutiny! It's mutiny, I tell you! These animals have rebelled against the established authority! They need to be put down!"

It was Carl who answered him. "Actually, Sir, you're the one contravening Agency statutes, specifically article 42." He quoted from memory. "No Agent's family – including parents, siblings, spouses and/or children – shall be threatened in any way, shape or form, nor shall any offspring be harmed for any reason."

"Carl! You _traitor! _That's for human Agents! There's a reason we don't hire them!"

Admiral Acronym spoke in a cold, cold tone. "You should have thought of that before you tried to use Dr. Doofenshmirtz against his wife."

"_She's not his wife! _That's inconceivable!"

Heinz rolled his eyes. "You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means. _She's my wife_. My brother was a witness, and Judge Weston herself married us this morning – before your deadline, by the way, and the answer to that is NO. So, Francis, you can either put up, or shut up. In fact, do yourself a favor and just shut the fuck up already."

Peter was already human by now and he led me to the machine. Cherry ran up to me and I picked her up. She still knew me, and I was grateful beyond measure.

I covered Cherry's eyes and closed mine as the huge machine hummed and buzzed, the ray hitting us squarely. When I opened my eyes, my naked daughter was the size of a two-year old.

"Heinz...!"

He came over and took a look. "Didn't you stop nursing her?"

I realized with a pang that my milk had dried up suddenly. In all likelihood t was a side effect of the transformations. "Her last feeding from me was last night... wait. She was a platypus pup for a while. Remember what you told me, that the People-Matic turns you into the person you are in your head?"

"Yes... what are you thinking?"

"Platypus pups are more aware than human infants... and she was already far advanced for her age."

Cherry looked up at him and spoke her first word. "Dada?"

Heinz all but melted into a puddle on the floor. Picking her up he nuzzled her lovingly. "Yes, sweetheart, I'm your Daddy."

Perry had by now managed to get up and pattered over to us. He chittered a request which needed no translation.

"Of course. Just stand here," Heinz replied, helping me up and guiding me to my work chair. I was naked now, a side effect of the People-Matic. I put on the jacket my husband offered me. Cherry could run around undressed a bit longer. Tony had released Monogram and was conversing with Perry.

My purse was on the console and I checked the contents. The syringe I had filled at the destroyed lab was still there. It was my weapon of last resort, a fate worse than death if used correctly. I palmed it, knowing an attack was imminent. I could see it in Monogram's eyes. He was so far gone he was certain to do something stupid.

My erstwhile self stood aside and let the big tiger take the next turn. Once Tony had become human – and a most impressive one, at that – Perry went to take his turn. The machine hummed and crackled, building a charge.

Perry's chitter was the only warning I had of Monogram's attack as he pulled a knife from somewhere and stabbed at Heinz.

He instinctively turned and covered Cherry with his own body and the knife slashed down his back, tearing his shirt open – but not his flesh. The blade skidded along the back brace that had been my husband's secret for several months, launching a couple of sparks as the edge bounced off the metal boning that kept Heinz upright.

Monogram was furious. "Inconceivable!"

"No, scoliosis brace!" Heinz snapped as he backhand-slapped Monogram with his free hand. I stepped in front of my husband and daughter to finish it.

Monogram yelled incoherently once more as he stabbed downward. I dodged it easily, ducking and stabbing him in the gut with the syringe.

He blinked, pulled it out, then started screaming, a high-pitched sound that went on and on. He convulsed and spewed curses, pausing only for the occasional raged intake of breath.

Perry came over in human form, eyes wide. "What the hell did you do to him?"

I grinned ferociously as Monogram writhed and screamed. "I gave him a gut-ful of undiluted platypus venom. He'll live... but he's probably wishing he hadn't."

He shuddered. Platypus venom is nothing to sneeze at.

I looked Perry over. He was maybe two inches taller than me, his hair teal where mine was white-blonde. "Why are you human?"

"Peter couldn't turn me into a full platypus," he grumbled. "He thought maybe making me human then reversing the effect should work... and why the hell do you and I look so much like Bobbi Fabulous?"

I had never realized the resemblance until now.

Heinz handed Cherry over to Peter and went over to the still-crackling People-Matic. He scratched his head and put a hand on it to hold his weight while he leaned over to check a shoelace.

The People-Matic creaked, groaned and toppled over, breaking apart into hundreds of pieces.

"_NO!" _Perry screamed. "_What have you done?"_

When Admiral Acronym's Agents arrived, they found Francis Monogram screaming and writhing on the floor, four mostly naked people, the People-Matic was a broken pile of junk on the floor and Perry was raging.

"I can't go home like this! You have to change me back, Doofenshmirtz!"

"I... I don't know how."

Perry went pale at that. He jumped up on the chair and grabbed Heinz by the lapels, shaking him back and forth with the speed and force of a bartender mixing a martini for James Bond.

_"What do you mean __**you don't know how?**__"_ he screamed. SHAKESHAKESHAKESHAKE _"You're an evil fucking __**scientist**__, you jerk-off!"_ SHAKESHAKESHAKESHAKE _"You violate the laws of physics __**all the fucking time!**__"_ SHAKESHAKESHAKESHAKE _"Now you're telling me __**you don't fucking know how?**__" _

At the last syllable Perry let Heinz go. He landed on his ass, teeth rattling a few more seconds.

"It wasn't my creation, remember? Every evil scientist has... well, his or her own signature style. Oh, my head... I'm dizzy now." Heinz put his hands over his face, probably so the room would stop spinning. "I'll have to reverse-engineer the ray, and that will take time." He looked at the shattered remains of the unfamiliar machine. "It's going to take a lot of time. I'll need Norm to get this to my workbench."

Perry jumped back down off the chair. "What will I do meanwhile? Where will I _go_? My family would never believe it's me!" He was pacing back and forth, extremely agitated.

I decided it was time to intervene. "Yes they would, Perry. They already know about us being an Agent."

He turned to me, eyes full of hate. "You _told_ them?"

"They already knew. They don't care. They'll love you just the same, the way they love me... and Cherry."

Perry's rage was obviously growing. "You... you really are me. How... how _could_ you? With _him_ of all people?

"Because I love him."

Perry launched a punch at me. I sidestepped and tripped him, making him lose his footing. His head slammed into the edge of the work console, splitting his scalp open and leaving him unconscious. Admiral Acronym gave orders to get him to the hospital.

I made a phone call to my parents to explain what had happened. When Perry woke in the hospital our family would be there for him. I hoped that some day he would understand why I had made the choice to stay with Heinz.

I hoped some day Perry could fall in love, too.

We headed for the carport with Tony carrying his new friend Cherry, and Peter holding his free hand. He was clearly eager to get back to Dr. Dubcek and try our his new human form. Norm could drop him off without much trouble... or so we thought.

Norm clearly had other ideas.

Heinz's hand clamped itself over my mouth and dragged me back into the hallway we had just exited. When he finally let me go I was fuming.

"What the hell, Doofenshmirtz?" I spat. "Didn't you see what that pervert robot of yours is doing to my motorcycle?"

He just shrugged and replied blandly, "After what happened with Gladys, I think Norm deserves a little enjoyment too."

"By raping my Kawasaki?"

Peter and Tony both snorted back guffaws.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed in resignation. "Fine. I guess we'll have to call Anastasia and have her come pick Tony up."

The former tiger spoke up for the first time. "That would be GRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!"


	23. The End Is The Beginning

**Author's Note: Graphic sex ahoy!**

* * *

A few days later I decided to make an early evening of it. Vanessa had taken Peter to the movies to see the latest "Eldritch Abomination" film. Cherry was at my parents' house, with her doting aunt and uncles to fawn over her. Heinz was working on something in the labs and I was tired after several depositions for Admiral Acronym's investigation into Monogram's abuses of power. Carl had been placed as interim head of our division, but he was so popular with the rank and file that the odds were in favor of him being confirmed as the next division chief.

It would be a welcome change.

When I woke there was a sleep mask ever my eyes ensuring I could not see – not that I needed to. I could tell I was shackled naked to a bed, wrists above my head and ankles spread far enough apart that I couldn't get my knees together. My hat was gone, lying who knew where. A cushion of some sort arched my back up, leaving me exposed and vulnerable.

The bastard had me this time.

A familiar voice chuckled nearby. "Not so tough now, are you, Fletcher? We'll see how you soften up after a little 'special treatment'."

My growled reply turned into a sharp gasp as I felt him pinch and twist my nipple. He followed suit with the other one, alternating between that and roughly squeezing my breasts.

I managed to grit out a few words. "What is it you want?"

"To hear you scream, of course," he laughed. "What else would your enemy want from you?"

"You're wasting your time. Nothing you can do could be worse than what I've already been through."

"Maybe... Let's find out together." His breath was hot on my ear and he licked my jaw, then sucked on the earlobe. I shook my head to free myself from him and he chuckled again. "So spirited..."

The shock of ice sliding along my skin made me gasp again, the wet chill circling around my nipples, making them harden in spite of myself. Goosebumps appeared along my arms and down my ribcage as the ice trailed all over me, pausing for a few long seconds inside my navel. After the meltwater had filled it, the ice began moving again, trailing down my belly.

I bucked and wriggled when I realized where the ice was headed but he had me tied down tightly; fighting it was futile. The chill meandered around my pussy's outer lips before trailing along the inner lips and circling my clit, the small remnant finally sliding inside me. I managed to suppress a moan as I felt it melting inside me, the meltwater dripping warm down my taint.

Far worse was my own growing wetness, my body reacting against my will.

I couldn't hide it for long, even with the almond scent of the oil he was rubbing into my breasts and belly covering the scent of my arousal. His hands were strong and skilled, the pressure of his thumbs against my lower belly and the inside of my thighs making me tingle deep inside.

He laughed again, his voice low and smug. "So there _is_ a limit to your resistance... let's see how far we can take you."

"Like hell you will!" I hissed, trying hard to not groan in pleasure as his hands worked me, his thumbs now firmly stroking my pussy lips. When they brushed against my clit it took everything I had to repress the shudder that shot through me.

My captor paused and I almost whimpered, half in relief, half in disappointment. The reason was soon apparent as I felt the cushion underneath me be shifted, raising my hips even higher, my knees spreading even more, all against my will.

His thumbs brushed against my naked, helpless clit again, then rubbing up and down my now-swollen inner pussy lips. One hand pulled away and after a moment I felt a warm liquid drizzle onto my tender flesh, some of it guided into my vagina by two of his fingers that held me open for the purpose.

He spoke once more. "Now you'll get what's coming to you." His hands slid up my body and kneaded my breasts a few times before he thrust himself into me, making me cry out in spite of myself. He was large, thick and rough, and I bit my lip, refusing to give him the pleasure of hearing my voice.

He moved slowly for a while, perhaps gauging my responses before fucking me hard, the head of his cock thumping against my cervix. Whatever that scented oil had been, it made me feel every ridge and bump as it slid in and out of me. His thumbs kept working my clit, and the pleasure grew by the second. My hands clenched and unclenched, and my hips bucked in spite of my efforts to control them.

He chuckled and spoke once more. "Maybe we should kick it up a notch?"

His hands slid up to my chest and started working on my breasts as he leaned forward, his pubic bone pressed against mine, his balls pressed against my ass as he thrust faster, his cock filling me beyond anything I had felt before. Still thrusting, he lowered himself onto me until I could no longer even try to buck him off, his weight pinning me.

I no longer cared about escaping. All I wanted was to get my ankles free to point my feet into the air with my legs open as far as I could spread myself while my enemy pounded me into oblivion, and wrap my arms around his ribcage to hold on tight by digging my nails into his skin.

"See? It's not so bad, it it?" he breathed before sinking his large, sharp teeth into the flesh of my shoulder. The pleasure-pain of the bite pushed me over the edge and I came, short screams of ecstasy coming in time with the contractions of my pussy around his thick cock that kept fucking me and fucking me and fucking me until I was almost unconscious.

He suddenly stiffened and groaned, pressing himself deep inside me. I felt his sperm flood into me, my spasming pussy milking it as I screamed again and again, begging him for every last drop.

Once he was done he growled in satisfaction and nibbled under the corner of my jaw, murmuring "That wasn't so bad now, was it, _Geliebte_?"

"Some days I don't know if I love you or if I hate you, Doofenshmirtz... you letting me loose anytime soon?"

Heinz slid his tongue into my mouth, and I sucked on it gently as I kissed back. He slid the sleep mask off of my eyes as he nuzzled me. "Ah, but you and I both know how much you enjoy being tied up. Why spoil something so good so soon?"

I kissed along his jaw and neck before growling "Because as much as I love having your cock stuffed into me, the pressure you're putting on my bladder is making me want to go. _Now_. So pretty please?"

"Oh, in that case...!" He pressed the quick-release buttons on my wrist shackles and pulled out of me as I sat up and clicked open the ankle restraints.

I hadn't been kidding. I relieved myself, then decided to give myself a quick rinse-off on the bidet. The cool water made me gasp, I was so tender. He was the best at what he did, in that respect at any rate.

When I got back to the bedroom Heinz was outside in his bathrobe, puffing on the end of a hose attached to a strange-looking contraption. The glow of pizzazzium infinionite spilled from the open lock-box and the bag of plant matter I had seen before lay inside the lid, open and with a portion obviously missing.

It finally hit me. The contraption was a _hookah_, and what was in that bag _wasn't_ oregano.

I stepped out into the cool evening air. It was very mild for a November night, but the forecast was for snow within the next few days. I decided to mention it.

"You won't be able to smoke outside much longer... and just how long have you been using that stuff anyway?"

He turned his head to look at me over his shoulder and smiled. "Longer than you've been alive, _Geliebte_. And before you ask, yes, I _was _high as a kite that time at Lake Nose."

"I see..."

"No," he answered. "No, you don't. You can't, really, unless you experience it yourself. This is one of the things that's kept me sane all these years. Your brother could use some, while we're at it. It can only improve his sour mood... thank badness he and Cherry are so infatuated with each other."

"I know... it surprised me for a while, but come to think of it, he and I were fused together just long enough for it to sink in. He wouldn't take it out on her, anyway. We're not like that."

"I know, _Geliebte_, and I'm grateful for it. If he ever hurt Cherry or Peter I'd kill him without a second of regret."

"Neither would I, love..."

He offered the mouthpiece and I accepted out of no greater reason than sheer curiosity. As an Agent I'd been given all sorts of information about marijuana, but so very much of it was contradictory. That Heinz was a semi-regular user was no surprise, but that it had no apparent ill effects merited investigation.

I pulled deeply, the hookah filtering the smoke and making it easier to inhale than I expected. The smoke was slightly acrid, and it tickled my salivary glands a bit, but it wasn't too unpleasant. I took a second hit before Heinz took it away.

"Easy... it's your first time. Give it a few minutes."

I leaned onto the balcony rail and waited as instructed, thinking it wasn't going to work... then a warm sensation of well-being settled over me as my perception changed subtly. A thought that had been simmering just under the surface rose to the fore and I made my decision.

"Heinz... after we get back from Jamaica we're going right back to work."

He looked at me skeptically. "Are you sure about that? I don't think we can be nemeses now that we're married and have a daughter and a foster son."

"Oh, no... not like that, love. Perry was always your nemesis, and he's going to need you to focus on now that he's human. He needs the stability. I meant us, as a couple, getting to work."

"On what?"

"On taking over the Tri-State Area."

He blinked in surprise. "Wait, what? Didn't I tell you to not inhale too much right off the bat?"

"Oh, no, it's not that way at all. I've been working on it in the back of my mind." I looked at him directly. "I want Cherry and Peter to grow up in a safe place. Cardones proved that the authorities as they are now can't stop someone like him from coming in. If it hadn't been for your help, he would have taken over Danville already."

"I still fail to understand what you're getting at, Terry."

"It's simple, really. Since it takes evil to stop evil, it may as well be _us_ taking over. I'll stay with the Agency to keep other threats at bay. _Your_ job is to take over the Tri-State Area... while keeping Perry busy with false leads."

He took another puff of the hookah. "That's a tall order, don't you think?"

"Not for the two of us together. I'll even put a lab coat on if you want. Over a purple dress, and black thigh-high boots."

He thought for a moment then laughed. "Ah, _Geliebte._.." He pulled me close for a passionate kiss. "This is going to be _so_ much fun."

We are, after all, a perfect match.

* * *

**Author's note:**

**And so it ends... for now. The next installment in this series, "The Once and Future Platypus" has already begun! **

**My thanks and love to all of you who have followed my work for over a year since I first began publishing. If it hadn't been for your encouragement none of this would have seen the light of day. **

**See you around teh Interwebz... and don't do anything I would do!**

**Love,**

**MayaSerena/Tetsu-neko/Giselle  
**


End file.
